Yes, believe it or not, but Charlie Sheen has had many a run-in with the seedy underside of Hollywood. "No!" you say. "Oh yes!" we reply, wagging our fists menacingly.

Charlie Sheen has had his share of ups and downs during his illustrious, heroin-fueled rocket to stardom. So, let's us sit back, grab some popcorn, and take a leisurely stroll through the sordid tale that is Charlie "Whores? Yes, Please!" Sheen's life to date.

SHEEN:

The Man, The Legend, The Countless Episodes With Cheap Drugs And Whores

June 6, 1966: A young Charles Sheen is born, his innocent veins as yet carefree and clean. A drunken Martin Sheen reminisces about young Charlie some months later with People magazine. "He survived a week in the ditch out back," said the elder Sheen, "and, that being the yardstick for keeping any damn kid I accidentally make, I was forced to keep him." Charlie is an exuberant baby, and is soon walking, talking and acting badly in no time at all. The young child's problem-solving abilities present themselves early on in life too, as he stacks his baby blocks to climb up to the medicine cabinet. A six-month old Charlie Sheen would find himself in and out of infant detox centers almost weekly. Later, Charlie would say of his childhood: "It was rough. The amphetamines helped me get through finger painting."

August 27, 1973: An adolescent Charlie nurses a growing interest in science, and almost wins his local science fair. His entry, "Crack Pipes With Engines: The Way Of The Future?" is later rejected on the grounds that it promotes drug use. The prize instead goes to a young Mickey Rourke, for his project "Gravity and Beer Funnels." A competitive rivalry is born that will carry itself well into the future.

May 21, 1978: A teenage Sheen wades through high school, earning acclaims from the drama department for his roles as "Pantless Drunk #2" in Godspell, "Crack Addict #1" in Death of a Salesman, and the lead role in his senior year one-man show Paying Women For Sex & Getting Unbelievably High. Bruce Fairchild, Charlie's drama teacher, encourages the teen to consider acting professionally. Failing that, he encourages Charlie to kill himself. Charlie, after much soul-searching, chooses the former. A star is born. An unbelievably high star, whose hydrogen atoms somehow manage to pay women for sex.

January 7, 1986: Wallstreet opens to rave reviews. A twenty-ish Charlie Sheen has exploded all over Hollywood like a big shower of meat, and it seems as though people can't get enough of his two facial expressions and forced dialogue. Les Whelen, Charlie's agent at the time, is quoted as saying "I think Charlie's star is gonna go up, up, UP. I can't see the public ever losing interest in this hot young star-- unless of course he becomes a boozy, whoring nutjob. But what are the odds of that?"

April 17, 1993: Sheen has become a boozy, whoring nutjob. Les Whelen, Charlie's agent, is quoted as saying "Whoops." Charlie's movie career begins a tailspin that will produce such notable flops as Beyond The Law, Terminal Velocity and The Arrival. Sheen is asked how he picks his scripts. His response: "Whichever one I don't barf on."

November 7, 1995: Early morning in Beverly Hills finds a nude Charlie Sheen face-down on the sidewalk, mumbling about elves and brandishing a handgun at imaginary beings only he can see. Upon awakening, Sheen stumbles into a local cafe and pees into coffee cups from distances of over twelve feet for nickels. Sheen is arrested, yet later released, on the grounds that "he's a walking drug factory, and his brain is pudding." Close friends Rob Downey and the New York Pimp Alliance offer moral support.

January 1, 1999: Charlie Sheen is set to stage an enthusiastic comeback. When asked if he's finally decided to be high on life, he responds: "No, I'm still going to stick with crack." Future movie deals include Oh Brother!, a "buddy" picture currently in the works with Jim J. Bullock, and Terminal Death, a thriller co-starring Fozzie from the Muppets. Will they be as successful? Will they bring back the fame Charlie once had?
ANSWER: No, no they won't.