Originally appeared in July 1st (97) issue of SASSY!, under the title of "DOES ANYONE SMELL SOMETHING?"
SASSY: Mr. Sheen, I'd like to start with-- hey, can I call you Charlie?
SHEEN: Actually, I'd rath-- [retches violently]
SASSY: Super, Charlie it is. Charlie, I've got to tell you, I'm one of your biggest fans. I loved you in Wall Street, and I thought Platoon was fabulous.
SHEEN: Hey, that's great. Do you, uh, like anything I've done recently?
SASSY: Recently?
SHEEN: Uh, yeah, recently. I've done about twenty films since Wall Street.
SASSY: Twenty films, wow. I had no idea. I'll be honest, I always thought you'd joined some cult for ten years or something.
SHEEN: Beyond the Law? The Arrival? You've never heard of them?
SASSY: Oh, wait. Maybe...I seem to remember...
SHEEN: Yes? Yes?
SASSY: Nope. Sorry. Total blank. Did they do well at the box office?
SHEEN: Well, that's a difficult question, really. In Algeria, for instance, we marketed The Arrival under the title Independence Day, and it cleaned house. And Bulgaria-- whoo, don't get me started on Bulgaria. I'm worshipped like a god there, I tell you--
SASSY: So, in other words?
SHEEN: No. They didn't do good box office. Happy?
SASSY: I'll move on. Recent allegations have surfaced that you frequently-- oh, how do I put this? You...uh...purchase...female...uh..company?
SHEEN: Oh, the hoes. Yeah, I dig hoes.
SASSY: You seem rather open about it.
SHEEN: What can I say? I was on drugs at the time. I didn't know what I was doing.
SASSY: That's another thing. During your last arrest, it was revealed that you had ingested five quarts of low-grade horse tranquilizer. Care to set the record straight on that?
SHEEN: Yes I would. This is an example of the media just plain manipulating an innocent situation. I was mistaken for a horse, and I was unwillingly injected with the illegal substance. Twice.
SASSY: Right.
SHEEN: Right. And that's why I was caught later with a prostitute, wearing a saddle and neighing. You see, I thought I really was a horse. Cause of the drugs, right? And the prostitute thought I was, too, see? Which explains the photos of her riding me like a stallion. And did the media bother to listen to what really happened? No, they just made up some story about me being a pervert.
SASSY: When in fact you thought you were...a horse.
SHEEN: Exactly. See, you get it. [pauses] Wait. Did you see that?
SASSY: What?
SHEEN: THAT! [points at empty space beside him] See, that little elf! Hey, look, he's dancing! What a merry little sprite he is! Why, I'll bet he's into all sorts of mischief!
SASSY: Charlie, are you feeling alright?
SHEEN: Quiet, you'll scare him! Come here, you jolly little imp! I won't hurt you! Me friend! Me friend! [jumps out of chair, starts chasing hallucination around room]
SASSY: Charlie, sit down! You're knocking over all the furniture!
SHEEN: [stops, looks at path of destruction] Oh...sorry.
SASSY: I think this interview's over. Now.
SHEEN: Oh. Okay. Hey, can I borrow fifty dollars?
SASSY: No.
SHEEN: Well, fine. I'm outta here.
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