Okay, so what exactly is new about this page? Well, in all honesty, not too much at all. Actually, it's the same page I had before. So why is it all-new, you may ask? Well, because it's technically ILLEGAL! That's right kids, this page is 100% Above The Law. Allow me to explain.
You see, right about the time I made this page originally (about six months ago), a group of raving psychotics by the name of the Charlie's Angels, headed by their fearless and gender-questionable leader, SheenMan, took it upon themselves to make my life a living hell. They, it seems, are really, really, really, really big Charlie Sheen fans-- you know, the kinds of people who go through a celebrity's garbage in the hopes of finding that choice yet ellusive half-eaten tin of salmon. After much deliberation by these people on various Charlie Sheen talk pages, it was unanimously decided that I was in fact the Antichrist, and the next day, I began receiving three emails a day, every day, begging me to take my page off. Some of the requests were heartfelt and thoughtful:
"Tearing someone down for the mistakes they've made is not funny, it's sad. Can they, or you, say you've never made any mistakes? . . . I understand you thought it would be funny, but it just wasn't-- not to us, his fans."
Some were less than kind:
"You stupid fuck. There's no reason (unless you're mentally unstable-- which you appear to be) to spend the time to make a web page putting someone else down. . . You just make up things to suit your need, and some poor asshole out there is gonna believe that Charlie actually said those things."
And some were just plain incomprehensible:
"Well, sweetheart, if you're on your way I do hope that you remember to bring your 'coffeetron dick defender'. Does the name Lorena strike fear into thee?"
To this day, I have no idea why she felt I needed to defend my dick, or why a robotic coffee machine seemed to be the obvious choice to help me defend it. Also keep in mind I had never even heard of any of these people before, and the name Lorena struck little to no fear into my heart. My heart was just as stumped as me as to what the hell she was talking about.
Weeks passed, and the hits just kept on coming. Sometimes the strategies changed-- vague death threats turned into mild come-ons over the passing of time, and a few of them told me how much they loved my page before asking me to destroy it forever. I still don't get the problem, and I guess I never really figured out where these people were coming from. If they hated it so much, why did they keep going to it? The majority of the hits to my website were these people, telling their friends, poring over every word like gospel.
The main criticism I got was how evil I was for having the nerve to mock Charlie Sheen, or anyone for that matter. I can't understand this. Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Mad Magazine writers-- these are people who make a living mocking others. I'm not saying it's morally right to mock other people, but come on now. Am I really going to hell because I implied that Charlie Sheen is a "pudding-headed crackhead?" It was supposed to be funny, and I never got the constant criticism. There are things out there that I love, but if someone mocked them, I doubt I'd be running to get my gun. It's a website, people. Not the Apocalypse.
Anyway, long story short: these nutjobs wrote Geocities again and again, and finally got my site off the air. I wasn't really sure what pissed me off more-- that I had gotten into an online war with a group of infantile morons, or that I had apparently lost. I wrote a few nasty letters to them, and then, as it always tends to, life went on. I forgot all about Charlie Sheen, my destroyed webpage, and the legions of Charlie Sheen fans waiting for me in shadowy seclusion on grassy knolls.
But then something really great happened. I was cleaning up my computer the other day-- sending missing links and useless folders to the recycling bin, when I came across saved copies of my Charlie Sheen Super-Keen Dream Page. Everything was there, untouched, unscathed, and begging to be brought once again to the World Wide Web.
So here it is. I don't know for how long, but for now, the Super-Keen Dream Page rides again. If I manage to last a week without getting erased again, I'll start adding some new sections. I hope you enjoy the page, whoever you are. If you've ever had a webpage you know how hard it is to get people to come see it. Chances are, you're probably my mom. If not though, please enjoy my little page, and if you like it, let your friends know.
Oh, and if you're the Charlie's Angels or Sheenman... fuck off. Please. Just leave this site. Now. Don't ever come back.
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