DO NOT allow strangers into the house unless your employer
specifically informs you that they want you and their children to be
brutally murdered.

DO NOT tell a caller that you are the baby-sitter alone with
children. Mentioning children can often be a turn-off for potential
suitors. Focus instead on your articles of clothing, mentioning how
they feel on your sensitive, downy young skin.

DO bring items to entertain the children with, like coloring books,
colored paper, color markers, tape, board games, puppets, pens, old
newspapers, tacks, dirt, aerosol spray cans, mail, Tabasco sauce,
malt liquor, gasoline, bleach, currants, fast food wrappers, and
anything else you can grab a hold of. Lay these items in a pile in
the center of the room and watch as the imagination of children takes
hold. Feel free to use this time to rifle through their parents'
dresser drawers, or to masturbate vigorously in the bathroom, knowing
someone could burst in at any time, thus adding to the level of
danger.

Children learn about the wonders of electricity
for your amusement.

DO NOT go outside to investigate suspicious noises or activities. Any
suspicious noise should immediately be responded to with as much
buckshot as you can fire through the front doorway, followed by a
confident "How you fucking like me now, Osama?"

DO keep matches locked away from children. Be sure to let them know
that you are doing this only because matches contain magical powers
that give their user the power to cast any object aflame, like a
wizard.

DO NOT leave a child alone in a bathtub, unless the call is very very
important, like from your boyfriend.

DO NOT allow the children under your care to place garbage bags over
their heads, unless you have poked a hole in the top of the bag and
you are certain you will be back from your friend's place in under
ten minutes.

You probably shouldn't bake your baby.
But if you do, use butter, or it'll stick to the pan.

DO keep portable heaters away from play areas, curtains and
furniture. Keep portable heaters close to the children at all times,
so that you have the assurance they are warm.

DO NOT allow children to hide in the refrigerator for any reason.
Pick one child at random and place them in the refrigerator for at
least forty minutes, to illustrate the dangers inherent in this
activity.

DO show children how to stop, drop and roll in case their clothes
catch on fire. Remind them that the event of their sudden combustion
is a very real possibility, and should be feared and dreamed about at
all times.