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Everybody
loves the Bible.
It's shit-full of good advice you can apply to everyday life, from
"turn the other cheek" to "God hates fags."
What many people don't know, however, is that the Bible isn't just
the basis for highly collectible Jesus plates—it's also an
enormous goddamn thousands-years-old book.
A
lot of
it's still applicable today. If you're looking for sage advice as
to the spiritual direction of your life, Jesus apparently knows
the score. I've never spoken to the man personally — but he's
gotten enough thumbs-up reviews from friends that, fictional or
no, he's probably at least as smart as Oprah. A guy could
pay attention to Jesus and do well for himself. Worst case scenario:
you don't get to fuck your neighbor's wife, and everyone gets to
slap the shit out of your face.
But
keep in mind, the Bible's as thick as a phone book. For every chapter
about Jesus wind-sprinting across a lake to tell you how much he
loves kittens, there's another with God making a smoking peasant
fireball because they sacrificed a goat to Him with the wrong knife.
Once
you wade past the shallow end of the New Testament into the back
half of the Old Testament, get ready: it turns out God's a fucking
lunatic, and He loves the taste of your blood. Old Testament God
ain't letting Himself get nailed to any crosses like some pussy;
OT God wouldn't spit on your balls if they were on fire. If He covers
your eyes with boils to win a bet with Satan, consider yourself
lucky He didn't turn your city into a mushroom cloud for not praying
to Him enough. Even a cursory reading of the Old Testament leaves
only one conclusion: God is a total hardass, and if you step out
of line He will most likely drop you in the time it takes
most people to open a door.
It
can't be too many more years before Christians get themselves a
decent copy editor and start publishing the Bible with a quick paragraph
about the Garden of Eden and Noah before seguing right to Jesus,
thus bypassing a thousand pages of dense insanity completely. Until
then, enjoy this candid look at the Bible's backlog.
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