The 1960's camp version of Batman had soured in the populace's collective mouth. In an effort to take Batman back to his dark roots, Warner Brothers enlisted Tim Burton in the late 80's to direct a feature-film version of the popular character. Known for his dark work in Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, as well as for his hilarious hair, Burton seemed the perfect choice to reinvent Batman as a gritty noir hero, and have hilarious hair while doing so.

In 1989 the Batman franchise entered box office lore to a media frenzy. Some fifteen years later, the buzz surrounding the film has finally died enough to objectively pronounce the film... sort of okay. Michael Keaton (as Batman) and Jack Nicholson (as the Joker) were upsettingly miscast; the script doesn't make a whole lot of sense; and the whole film is really, well... dark. Not dark in the sense that it's gritty and realistic — dark in the sense that Tim Burton forgot to turn on the set lights before shooting.

Also, controversy raged over the casting of Keaton as the titular detective crimefighter; at the time, Keaton was known mostly for comedies, as opposed to now, when he's known mostly for... well, something. What few realized, though, is that Burton purposely cast the role with a controversial actor, so as to draw attention away from the tie-in Batdance video, in which Prince expresses the struggle of Batman and the Joker with the most homosexual interpretive dance allowed at the time.

Those of you who don't remember this video are among the truly blessed; those of you who do remember it most likely share the trauma I have of sitting bolt upright in bed in the middle of the night, shrieking, while visions of a hermaphroditic half-bat/half-clown sashaying after me linger in my subconscious.

Ughghghghhgghghghghhhh.

The new, dark Batman was a huge success. Burton was tasked to direct a sequel, with the goal of making it twice as dark as the first ne. In this he succeeded; fully 70% of the action in Batman Returns is obscured in darkness and completely unrecognizable.

Returns was also notable for the inspired decision to cast a skintight PVC catsuit in the role of Michelle Pfeiffer's body. However, Returns loses points for managing to somehow make Danny DeVito look even more freakish and disturbing than usual, then project images of him gnawing the heads off of halibut while holding them in his webbed, fetish-gloved three-fingered hands for a goddamn hour and expect people to be pleased about forking over $10 to see it.

Final analysis: Returns would have been much more successful if they'd just listened to me and filmed my script, Sexy Sexy Michelle Pfeiffer Licks Herself in Her Sexy Sexy Catsuit For an Hour and a Half.

With two successful entries in the Batman franchise under his belt, Burton decided to leave the series to devote more time to avoiding shampoo. In his place, Warner Brothers needed a director willing to sink the franchise into the depths of the ocean; they found that director in Joel Schumacher.

The next two films under Schumacher, Batman Forever and Batman & Robin, are almost unanimously believed to be among the most despicable, malice-filled, evil and depraved things ever put to film. Despite this, however, both made hundreds of millions of dollars each, proving that there is nothing so awful that people won't pay money to see Jim Carrey in.

Forever and B & R are mostly known for returning Batman to the campy 60's feel the film series had been created to dispel in the first place. However, it's notable that when Adam West pulled bat-shark-repellent out of his utility belt in Batman: The Movie, it was meant to be wink-nudge ridiculous; whereas when George Clooney and Chris O'Donnell yell "Batskates!" in B & R (ejecting voice-activated bat-skates from their boots), then jump out of a plane and skate vertically down a frozen building, there isn't enough irony on the fucking planet that would make the scene anything other than profoundly embarrassing for all concerned. On behalf of Planet Earth, Joel Schumacher: we know you're sorry, and we will never, ever forgive you anyway.

George Clooney later apologized publicly for Batman & Robin. Ironically, the only man to take the time to say "Sorry about that" was the only one who wasn't either a) spouting ice-related catchphrases, b) getting out-acted by Alicia Silverstone's rubber nipples, or c) being Chris O'Donnell, who is in a position to apologize for pretty much everything he's ever done.

Catwoman became a laughing stock when photos of Berry's costume were released, boldly reinterpreting the heroine as some sort of crime-fighting badger. It wasn't clear what the director (the made-up sounding Pitof) was going for with the new look—though we doubt "making our dicks laugh" was anywhere close.

Based on my fond pubescent memories of Michelle Pfeiffer slinking around in Batman Returns, Pitof's decision to make Berry's updated outfit 100% erection-proof was either evidence that the man had no genitals, or that he spent his leisure time slapping them up against people who weren't women.

The real shock here was that Warner Brothers even hired Pitof—a man whose highest profile job was FX Coordinator for the French live-action fruitfest Astérix et Obélix contre César. It's like Mom always said: if you hire Prince to redesign your kitchen, don't be surprised when he replaces the oven with an enormous vagina-shaped piano.

Following Batman & Robin, the Batman franchise was declared officially dead — thus giving Hollywood executives the opportunity to immediately begin plans for reviving it. At one point there was talk of a Batman vs. Superman project. This was ultimately abandoned under the pretense that it would last ten seconds.

Batman: "To defeat Superman, I'll need to use all my deductive reasoning! First I'll—"

Superman: "Huttah!" [punches hole through Batman's chest].

Other potential ideas for a fifth installment included Batman during his first year of crime-fighting; Batman as an old man; Batman as a teenager; Batman eating bugs for money; Batman in space; and some stupid ones.

Finally Memento's Christopher Nolan was hired to direct Batman Begins, with Christian Bale taking on the starring role. Given the campy excess of the last several Batmans, the pendulum has once again swung back to making the movie "gritty" and "dark," like... well, like Tim Burton already did.

If the makers of future Batman fims are reading this, I'd really like to clear this up to avoid further difficulties with what should by all rights be an enjoyable franchise.

• Batman isn't a great character because of the camp value.
• Batman isn't a great character because he's dark and gritty.
• Batman is a great character because he's batshit-bat-fucking-crazy.

Nobody identifies with Batman. He's a billionaire. He owns collapsible bat-themed hanggliders. He can only solve crimes if the criminals leave rhyming clues while wearing question mark-covered unitards. He beats up mutant penguins and lives in a cave with a ten-year-old boy. If anybody in the real world knows anyone remotely like Batman, I can assure you we avoid them like lepers, let alone look to them for spiritual guidance.

No, the reason we come back to Batman as an icon again and again is because the title character, like most entertaining people, is so clearly a barking lunatic. Unlike Green Lantern or Wonder Woman, who at least have the pretense of powers to justify their lunacy, Batman is just some guy who dresses up like a bat every Friday and beats up criminals while Robin holds them down.

Even Batman's haunting ground, Gotham City, is a psychotic nightmare. Criminals attempt to poison the revervoir more often than city officials bother to chlorinate it. Gotham City museums actually have things worth stealing in them, but have yet to install any kind of reliable anti-theft device despite weekly break-ins. The police are unable to close the simplest of cases without sprinting up to the roof and shining an emergency "Get The Guy Who Dresses Like a Bat Over Here" floodlight into the sky. There are evidently so many aviaries and circuses in Gotham City that there are over a dozen abandoned ones handy for rental as lairs by villains.

I wholeheartedly support Gotham City's enthusiastic funding of bird and circus-based attractions, but it's still clearly a town packed to bursting with the mentally disturbed. Only in a place that crazy could a Bat-Man ever even exist, let alone thrive.

That's the simple beauty of Batman's enduring legacy. We don't identify with him. We don't laugh at him. Mostly we just marvel at him, I think. In most movies, the villains get to have all the fun, and the heroes tend to be fairly bland. Batman's one of the few characters I can think of who's as monumentally fucked up as the criminals he's chasing. Tim Burton and Michael Keaton understood that.

I'm optimistic that Nolan and Bale understand that too. I'm going to go out on a limb in saying I don't think there'll be a bat-skate in sight June 15th.

See you in the theaters.

- Jay Pinkerton, 2005

The Untold Story of Batman, With The Cast & Crew of The Batman Series

Tim Burton (Director; Foe of combs): "I brought in Batman and Robin as consultants on the first Batman to make sure I got the details right. For the most part, it went really well. They'd walk through the sets and say, 'Oh, the bat-computer had a bigger screen,' or 'The entrance to the Batcave was through the grandfather clock.' But this one time, it was on the Batcave set I think, I remember Robin said, 'Tthere should be a mattress here,' pointing at this alcove behind the batmobile, right? And Batman, wow, he gave him this look, and Robin didn't talk for the rest of the day. Did I suspect? Yeah, I think we all did."

Michael Keaton (Actor): "I'd grown up with Batman comics as a kid, so to actually meet the man— it was this huge honor. He and I hung out a lot during pre-production on the first Batman. He'd show me how he threw a punch, and how to run so your cape isn't getting caught up in your calves. I do remember this one time, though— we were in this club on the Strip, and Batman was in full get-up, so he was getting all this attention. And he'd been drinking a fair bit, too. So anyway, suddenly he nudges me in the ribs and nods over my shoulder. 'Check out the ass on that,' he said. So I look around, and all I can see is this fifteen-year-old busboy. So I turn back and say, 'Where is she? I don't see who you're talking about.' He looked over, then looked at me, then looked over again, then just changed the subject. I didn't think anything of it at the time. After I'd heard some of the stories, though..."

The Joker (Psychotic Killer): "Crime? Well, I've turned my back on a lot of that now. Actually, you should hear Samantha, my wife, harp on me about that. [laughs] Don't mention my mass murders in front of her, that's all I'm saying. I never hear the end of it. I run a bait and tackle shop in Miami Springs. I pretty much live and die by the tourist season now. I also do some marlin charters on the side if it's slow, just get some tourists out there with some poles in the water. You don't make a lot, but it's a fun time. So, but, yeah— yeah, I used to be a pretty big in the crime thing. I think me, Lex [Luthor], maybe Brainiac— we were the big names back then. Did I know about what was going on with Robin? Well, I always kind of figured. Penguin used to tell me all sorts of stories when they'd caught him—congratulatory ass-pats, 'Grab onto me for safety!', that kind of thing. I never saw much, though. Keep in mind I was killing hundreds back then, so I had my plate full. But sure, I heard the stories."

Other JP.com Batman Articles

Batman Origin Comics

Batman: The Motion Picture: The Soundtrack

Batman Live Action Comics

The Dark Knight Adjourns

The Comics Critic: Justice League of America #103

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