|
|
|
Down With Love
I also continue to be mystified as to Renee Zellweger's sex appeal -- to clarify that, I continue to be mystified that Renee Zellweger has sex appeal. I recognize that she has a certain earnestness to her, which I suppose translates to "easy" in guyspeak -- so I guess I understand the basic appeal. Nonetheless, I refuse to admit that scrunched up, "the sun's forever in my eyes" face thing she's always doing is getting any man thinking sexy thoughts, unless that man is an optometrist or the sun. I couldn't imagine enjoying any kind of sex fantasy involving Renee Zellweger -- most likely I'd just be looking at her pinched, wincing sex faces and wondering how my semen somehow got replaced with grapefruit juice. Pinkerton's Verdict: If Down With Love was honestly trying to recreate the chemistry of Doris Day and Rock Hudson, they should have given Ewan McGregor's part to David Hyde Pierce. Either that, or they should have given Renee Zellweger's part to a lamp post. At least the title's accurate. I will never rent this, and if you do, I will make fun of you. The Italian Job
There's a lot of heisting going on here, and the acting's solid. On the demerit side, though, there's also more than enough scenes of Charlize Theron with moist, tear-wet eyes, which after 167 straight films, I hope I'm not alone in being sick to death of seeing. The film really takes its time, too, and the finale takes place with a helicopter chasing a car, which is about as effective as you'd guess an ending with the hero and villain hundreds of feet away from each other at all times would be. Pinkerton's Verdict: If you're really expecting something, you'll be let down. If you're just sort of kicking around the house and in the mood to rent something, it'll fill the bill. With helicopters.
Pinkerton's Verdict: Fuck, you got me. It might be Citizen Kane 2: Rosebud's Revenge for all I know; regardless, that's a pretty sissy-looking video case to be taking up to the cash register, no matter how good the film ends up being. I wish video stores would make potentially good films with two different covers -- one with the original poster, and the other with like explosions and kickboxers airbrushed in. That way I could finally rent Bridget Jones' Diary without dying of shame before I got to my car. In conclusion: I'm not renting anything that looks like it wants to teach me something about life and stereotypes. If I wanted a lecture, I'd rent documentaries. Bend It Like Beckham looks like it wants to teach me something, and probably be uplifting and spirit-soaring in the process. It also looks suspiciously like nobody will be getting naked. I'm passing on Bend It until someone gives me a good reason not to. 2 Fast 2 Furious
Pinkerton's Verdict: If I have to tell you you shouldn't rent this, then you probably should rent this, because you're just dense enough to be the target market. Maybe they should put Bend it Like Beckham in 2 Fast 2 Furious cases. That way nobody feels like an idiot in the video store line, and nobody becomes an idiot while watching the film after. |
 |
      |
 |
Down With Love is an attempt to update the Rock Hudson/Doris Day romantic comedies of the 1960's. While I admit it might be tempting to try and recapture Rock Hudson's on-screen chemistry with women -- let's face it, that's lightning in a bottle -- one could also argue successfully that Rock Hudson/Doris Day comedies were all punishingly stupid. Updating them with an ironic 21st century in-our-faces sensibility is like taking a huge shit, then making quote gestures at it while saying "Whatever."
The trailers for Italian Job not only gave away the big double-cross that the entire film rests on, but also made it look like the whole movie took place in Italian speedboats, thus making it all Europe-y and gay. Luckily, only the opening takes place in Venice -- after the credits, the whole film goes back to the good ol' U S of A, and American heterosexuality is safely restored. 
Bend It Like Beckham looks pretty darn inspirational. Even the poster, which shows two triumphant soccer players in the throes of victory, fills me with uplifting can-do spirit, like I can do anything boys can do. I've never seen Bend It, so I couldn't tell you if it's any good or not. All I know is I made a joke about it once on a yahoo group with friends, and several people leapt all over me about it -- "It's a really good movie! It made a ton of money!" (I believe I had intimated that it had made $4.93 its first week in America.) So: either Bend It Like Beckham is a surprisingly great film that only looks like after-school-special ass dribble, or it is ass dribble and I need to get new, non-retarded friends. 
Outlaw racer Brian O'Conner superteams with his ex-con buddy in an effort to clear their reputations through nitro-penis street-penis racing in their too-fast, too-furious, too-too-penis cars. Should appeal to the too drunk and the too stupid. Penis.
