Jay Pinkerton: “Well, your application looks to be in order, Mr. Walker.”

Mr. Walker: “Thanks.”

Jay Pinkerton: “Welcome to the Nation of Islam, Mr. Walker. I hereby free you from your slave name, Michael Walker, and give to you your Islamic name in the spirit of Mother Africa: Tito Blackenstein.”

[a pause]

Mr. Blackenstein: “I’m sorry?”

Jay Pinkerton: “Next.”

Mr. Blackenstein: “No, wait, fuck that, I thought I’d be getting a cool name like Elijah Muhammad or something. I’m not going to join the Nation of Islam if my name’s Tito Blackenstein!”

Jay Pinkerton: “Are you questioning my name-giving choices, Tito?”

Mr. Blackenstein: “Yes, goddamnit! What’s wrong with Michael? Can I at least be Michael Blackenstein?”

Jay Pinkerton: “You remember when I touched my stapler after I said your name? That meant the name-giving ceremony was over. And thus final, Tito Blackenstein. Go forth in peace.”

Mr. Blackenstein: “This is ridiculous. What kind of an African-American Islamic Help Centre is this anyway?”

Jay Pinkerton: “The one that’s about to get all crazy on your ass if you don’t stop being a bitch and go forth in peace.”

Mr. Blackenstein: “My name is Michael, you—!”

[brief scuffle; Jay is pulled away from fray by African-American Islamic Help Centre Coordinator, Brother Philip Mohammad]

Brother Philip Mohammad: “Is there a problem here, Brother Pinkerton Mohammad?”

Jay Pinkerton: “No problem. Assface here wouldn’t go forth in peace, is all.”

Mr. Blackenstein: “You son of a…” [makes lunge for Jay]

Brother Philip Mohammad: [getting Jay away] “Um, let’s go talk over here.”

Jay Pinkerton: “Good call. Tito’s crazy. I tell you, Brother Philip, you should really consider some stricter entrance policies to the Nation of Islam.”

Brother Philip Mohammad: “Brother Pinkerton, when you were arrested last week for exposing yourself, you requested that you fill out your community service term here, because of the—”

Jay Pinkerton: “Nice hats.”

Brother Philip Mohammad: “Yes. Because of the… the nice hats. Since your arrival, though, Brother Pinkerton, enrollment has been down 87%. We couldn’t help but wonder if your… unorthodox name-giving might have something to do with it.”

Jay Pinkerton: “Brother Philip, if I bring someone through the Gates of Islam, am I not allowed to give him his name before Allah?”

Brother Philip Mohammad: “Well, no, not strictly. And to be perfectly fair, we have some rather set rules about the naming that we’ve discussed many times before, and…”

[sound of bells]

Jay Pinkerton: “Whoop, that’s the door. I’d love to stay and chat, Brother Philip, but we’ve got a customer. I free you from your slave name Philip Mohammad and give you your Islamic name in the spirit of Mother Africa: Chocolate Superfly. Go forth in peace.”

Brother Philip Mohammad: “I really think you’ve missed the point of…”

Jay Pinkerton: “Tell it to Tito Blackenstein, Brother. I’ve got a customer to convert.”

Brother Philip Mohammad: “Please stop calling them customers.”

Jay Pinkerton: “Semantics.”