Mommy and daddy are always fighting, and you’re confused. When you ask mommy if she loves daddy, she says yes — but they don’t act like they love eachother. Mommy says she loves you more than anything in the world. Is she lying about that too?

Now daddy’s sleeping somewhere else. He still comes by at night and watches TV with you. When you ask daddy if he’s gonna come sleep in the house again soon, he doesn’t say anything for a while, and then says “We’ll see.” And when you go to bed, mommy and daddy are yelling again. And you can’t help but think: If I tried harder, would mommy and daddy love each other again? Am I the reason daddy’s leaving? Is it my fault?

According to new findings, that answer’s a big fat yes, if you’re a girl!

An article in Slate Magazine, called “Oh No: It’s a Girl”, puts forward the hilariously horrible notion that little girls are absolutely worthless, thus destroying twenty years of equality movements and inspirational soccer movies.

As it turns out, though, the fault doesn’t really lie with poor little girls, but apparently the fact that adult men are petty, self-centered scum. Again according to the article, most men want boys, and if the baby turns out to be a girl, the man will stick around longer in a relationship in the hopes that the next bun in the oven might have a penis. As for divorce, men seemingly feel more comfortable abandoning an eight-year-old girl to raise alone by a mother, whereas leaving an eight-year-old boy without a strong male role model in the house is, of course, inexcusable.

This child of divorce looks for evidence of her parents’ love in the microscope — coming up snake-eyes, of course, because she has a uterus.

No doubt the children of divorce reading this article have a few things to say about it, like: “I’m a guy, and my dad had no problems leaving,” or “I’m a girl, my parents divorced, and I still see my dad all the time. He loves me very much.” According to science, you’re both wrong: parents prefer boys. If female, it was all your mother could do to stop an enraged dad from eating you whole as a baby.

Other news breaks from science expected in the near future: enjoying sex will make your genitals explode in flame; drinking alcohol past 5:00 PM will result in permanent, irreversible brain damage; your children will not remember anything about you after you die; and life is a meaningless chaos amidst which the only purchase you can find is misery and loneliness.