This one’s for you, ladies.

[cues up dirty stripping music]

[plugs in slide projector]

[taps mic]

Testing? TesSKKKKKKKKKKKRREEEERRREEEEEE

…

taptaptap

Sorry.

[music changes to Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy”. Disco lights suddenly light the room]

[in ridiculous French accent] Ah, bonjour, madames et monsiours. Today we have ze vehree special show pour vous. We have ze Edward Norton photos, each more sex zan ze last. Often, during ze course of zis presentasseeon, you may think, “How could next photo be ze more sex?” but zen it is. Zat is because Edward Norton is… how you say…

…TOO MUCH SEX…

CHK!

…Ah, zere he is. He look at us, as if to say, “Look at my sex. Look how much of eet zere ees.” Look at heem pull at hees shirt sleeve, like a sexy man. How many ladies in ze audience would love to be ze shirt sleeve, non? To have heem pluck you by ze head and pull with sex…

CHK!

Ze show heats up a leetle weeth our second photo, as Edward Norton continues to look at ze camera. He is ze good actor, yes? Imagine, ladies, that he is weeth you tonight… and… and taking you out to dinnaire, in ze verrai nice place, yes? With ze sal-ADS and ze wine and… well, you know. Also, I should point out at zis point in ze show, Jay Pinkerton Presents An Edward Norton Striptease Spectacular, zat saire will be no… how you say… refunds. Next slide…

CHK!

Oh, yes, Monsiour Norton. Look at how you undress us weeth your eyes. Look at how you are ze good actair and verrai reech. And then look at your SEX. Look how much sex you have, Monsiour Norton. It is shameful. Take off your pants, Monsiour Norton. Take zem off. Take zem off.

CHK!

Oh, yes, you have taken off your pants, Monsiour Norton. What an excellent sex show zees ees. Surely there will be no need… to ask for ze refunds aftair. Non. And what ees zees? Oh, ze Edward Norton is offering you ze pants. For ze folding, you think? Or perhaps for ze hemming or ze letting out of ze seams? But no. For ze SEX. Soon, I sink, we will be seeing hees penis.

CHK!

And now…. Edward Norton is sleeping. In hees black socks on ze couch.

I… well, you know, maybe he was verrai tired. Look at ze drink on ze coffee table, you know, eef you stop ze drinking after you start ze drinking, you get verrai groggy sometaimes, I know zis, I…

CHK!

…I… hmm. Well, here, ze Ed Norton has woken up, and… oh, still he ees verrai sexee, non? Yes, he… well, when you squint and step back, it looks…

CHK!

Oh, good lord.

Um…

Well. He is raytahrded, yes. But for the SEX, he is ze raytahrded. For ze passion. For ze… ze… no refunds. No refunds!

[curtain closes hastily. Right Said Fred is turned off]