I'd planned to write a big opinion post about the Fantastic Four trailer that came out last week. My points:

• It looks ridiculous!
• Scratch that. It looks 4diculous!
• Weren't they just casting this thing a few months ago? Did they film it with a picture phone on the drive over to the editing room?
• Didn't The Incredibles already sort of do The Fantastic Four? More to the point, didn't The Incredibles already do it in a far, far superior way to anything this rushed, inexpensive-looking flotsam could accomplish?

Those were pretty much the bases I was gonna round on this one. However, as is so often the case with our false illusions of individuality, I discovered that every one of these views has, for the last week, been flogged ad nauseum by the Simpsons-quoting hive-mind known as the internet. It's incredibly depressing when the thoughts you'd assumed were yours are simultaneously posted by several hundred thousand others in a one-week timeframe — many of whom, judging from their vernacular, see literacy and grammar as shackles to be hewn by the strength of their passion for the subject matter.

At any rate, the discovery left me without a topic to criticize for thousands of words, as is the tradition around these parts. As a substitute, I invite you to check out the cover for Justice League of America #103, in which the world's greatest super-heroes are confronted with a nightmarish and needlessly melodramatic tombstone prop by the translucent and equally melodramatic Phantom Stranger:

Despite his non-corporeal state, the Phantom Stranger manages to grip a shovel easily, suggesting he spent the entire evening digging the plot himself. I can't help but marvel at the prepwork implied here. Once he'd gotten down six feet, he then drove over to the engraver's to pick up the tombstone he'd pre-ordered; then phoned the Justice League to have them meet him at the graveyard at precisely midnight (they evidently had no objections to this); then raced back to the cemetery before midnight and hid behind some bushes. That's a hell of a lot of effort just to theatrically illustrate to someone that you're going to kill them. He could have achieved the same reaction if he'd just held the shovel menacingly over his head.

I also love the indignity suggested here by the Phantom Stranger. Digging up one plot was exhausting and time-consuming — he’s certainly not going to be bothered to dig six, happy to simply stack our heroes one on top of the other before filling the grave back in. (With that many bodies, he couldn’t need more than a shovelful of dirt or two.)

Hunting out this back issue would doubtlessly reveal a storyline completely at odds with the attention-grabbing cover, of course. You’d find out that the Phantom Stranger was merely warning the Justice League of their doom, rather than threatening it (making it even more pathetic that he’d go to all that effort with the grave business). Comic book covers are famous for this. Leafing through issues at the convenience store, you’d get your attention grabbed by this totally kick-ass cover with Green Arrow holding a loaded gun to Batman’s temple or something, frantic with rage and shrieking at the Justice League in all caps, “STAY BACK! I’M GOING TO KILL BATMAN!” You’d have no other options but to buy the comic. What did Batman do to snap Green Arrow’s tether like this? Drank all his Dr. Peppers out of the Justice League fridge, maybe? Who knows? Worth checking out, anyway.

Naturally, within the first two pages you’d find out they’d just been rehearsing for a play, or something equally stupid. By page five they’d be rushing off to battle Lex Luthor’s Kill-Bots, the electrifying confrontation promised on the cover a distant memory. I’d probably be more furious with comics for manipulating my emotions so nakedly if it wasn’t for the fact that I managed to fall for it every time. Seriously, you think I'd have caught on.

I think my favorite part of this cover is Batman’s reaction to all this:

How can you not love the moxie on this guy? Threatened with death by a hat-wearing phantasm, every other member of the Justice League is understandably horrified. Batman, on the other hand, just looks irritated. The look of disgust on his face, the outstretched palm to Superman, as if to say, “Can you believe this guy?” He’s a busy man, that Batman. Getting dragged to a graveyard at midnight marked the limit of his patience, Phantom Stranger, and you just went over.