Lost in Translation
I recently got into a heated discussion with someone about the indie darling Oscar nominee
Lost in Translation (they liked it, I didn't). I thought it was sluggishly paced and poorly directed; they thought it was nuanced, textured and real. We agreed to disagree.
Afterwards, though, I tried to think about how I might have made it better. I think the results speak for themselves:
| They're
Extreme Tactical Weapons Force. The most elite branch of National
Security. |
 |
"You
ever gonna change, Murdock?" |
|
They
break more rules before breakfast than most people make all day...
|
 |
"A
scorpion can't change its poison tail, Talia. You know I break more
rules before breakfast than most people make all day." |
 |
"I
guess it's a good damn thing I don't play by any, then." |
|
Their
methods are dangerously extreme.
|
 |
"Extreme
Tactical Weapons Force is out of control, sir! We have to pull them
in!" |
|
"They're
also the best damn Extreme Tactical Weapons
Force we've got. And you damn well know it."
"Damn you
for being so damn right."
|
|
But
when an elite corps of albino terrorists threaten to unleash biological
thought bombs on America…
|
 |
"I
want one billion dollars in kruggerrands, or I'll see to it that every
mind in America gets, shall we say... a very bad cold."
[laughs] |
 |
"You're
insane." |
 |
"Am
I? Or is it that I'm so sane, I'm unleashing biological
thought bombs on America?" |
|
BILL
MURRAY
IS
BLADE MURDOCK
|
 |
"Don't
insult me, Murdock. You'll never make me talk." |
 |
"No.
Maybe not, Vorkandac. Maybe not." |
 |
"But I
think I've got a group of business suit ninjas here who can."
|
|
"Bonzai,
mofo." |
|
SCARLETT
JOHANSSEN
IS
TALIA CHANCE
|
 |
"Something's
wrong. Murdock! That gasoline salesman! He was an albino! GET
DOWN!" |
 |
BOOM!
|
JEREMY
IRONS
IS
BENEDICT MATRIX
|
WILLEM
DAFOE
IS
FAST EDDIE
|
 |
"Here's
the deal, Benedict. I give you Murdock and Talia on a platter. You
give me the blueprints to your thought bombs." |
 |
"What
a strange, sad, hot dog-scented little man you are." |
 |
"Ha
ha ha! GUHHHHN FINGAS!" |
|
With
WINONA RYDER
as "Patches"
|
 |
"Get
down on the ground! There's a warrant out for your arrest, Talia!
This is real! Don't make me shoot you!" |
 |
"Damn
it, Patches. There's a bomb in that Thanksgiving turkey. If
I don't diffuse it, Murdock's family will eat it, and explode.
I can't let that happen. So if you're gonna shoot... shoot." |
 |
"Goddamn
it, Talia. I hate it when you're right." |
 |
"MURRRRDOCCCCKKKKK!" |
|
EVERYTHING
YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW ABOUT SUSPENSE...
|
 |
"Damn
it, Collins, I said shoot Blade Murdock! That's an order!" |
 |
"I...
can't, Sarge." |
 |
"Looks
like your men went and grew a conscience, Williams." |
|
"DAMN
YOU!!!!" |
|
EVERYTHING
YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW ABOUT LOVE...
|
 |
"When
I'm with you, Talia, I... feel like I'm drowning." |
 |
"So...
what's so bad about drowning, Murdock?" |
|
"Well.
You die." |
|
"Okay,
two things." |
|
EVERYTHING
YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW ABOUT BIOLOGICAL THOUGHT BOMBS...
|
|
"Ha
ha ha! THOUGHT BOMMMBS!" |
 
 
|
"But...
but you can't kill me. I have diplomatic immunity, Murdock.
And you have the papers to prove it." |
|
The
meaning of those papers, Benedict..." CHK-CHK "...might
have gotten lost. In translation." |
|
"Ha
ha ha! GUHHHHN FINGAS!" |
|
