Dental Care Advisory

Thank you for purchasing Placid Springs Tartar Control Toothpaste. The following warnings are for your protection and care. Use only as advised.

WARNING

Placid Springs Tartar Control Toothpaste contains fluoride, which can be harmful in large quantities. Do not allow children to use in excess of three times a day.

Please do not swallow in large amounts.

SUPPLEMENTAL WARNINGS
(as result of 05/11/01 lawsuits)

Do not squeeze Placid Springs Tartar Control Toothpaste directly into eyes.

Should not be used as a contraceptive.

Placid Springs Tartar Control Toothpaste is not a substitute for food.
Contains trace amounts of addictive substances.

Please do not remove pants and insert Placid Springs Tartar Control Toothpaste in anus with the intent to amuse others.

SUPPLEMENTAL WARNINGS
(as result of 25/06/02 lawsuits)

May contain beef tallow.

Applying Placid Springs Tartar Control Toothpaste may cause user to involuntarily lactate. 23% of people within twenty-yard radius of user may also lactate involuntarily.

May cause mild gum rot.

Direct contact with Placid Springs Tartar Control Toothpaste may cause it to bond irreversibly with skin.

May contain trace amounts of formaldehyde, aluminum, body talc or hair dye. If swallowed, induce vomiting immediately.

If prolonged usage results in violent seizures while brushing teeth, stop brushing until seizure subsides to avoid accidental skull punctures.

SUPPLEMENTAL WARNINGS
(as result of 14/08/02 lawsuits)

Placid Springs Tartar Control Toothpaste is currently under investigation by the FDA on charges of cancer-inducing agents. If cancer is contracted through Placid Springs Tartar Control Toothpaste, please discontinue use.

In some cases, Placid Springs Tartar Control Toothpaste can be damaging to teeth. If prolonged usage causes teeth to fracture, chip, crack, fall out, explode or retreat violently into skull, discontinue use and consult a physician.

May cause fatal bowel blockage if used orally.

Do not expose Placid Springs Tartar Control Toothpaste to sunlight, moonlight, excessive heat, excessive cold, room temperature environments or water. If applied accidentally to skin, remove section of skin immediately before rash spreads.

Prolonged exposure has been known to cause mild permanent blindness, liver dysfunction, hair loss, rectal inflammation, glandular tumors, cataracts, respiratory infections, complete nervous system collapse and ringworm in women, children and the elderly.

SUPPLEMENTAL WARNINGS
(as result of 12/11/02 lawsuits)

Prolonged use of Placid Springs Tartar Control Toothpaste may cause the spontaneous growth of a vestigial tail or superfluous genitalia.
Placid Springs Tartar Control Toothpaste may change user’s blood type and consistency. Consult a physician if blood begins to smell of almonds or grilled steaks. Do not ingest blood if it transforms into any of the following:

• Glutinous black tarry substance
• Marmalade-like substance
• Small pebbles of petrified calcium

If entire skeleton begins to feel "spongy", please discontinue use of Placid Springs Tartar Control Toothpaste.

SUPPLEMENTAL WARNINGS
(as result of 04/01/03 lawsuits)

Placid Springs Tartar Control Toothpaste has been known to cause symptoms of diseases previously unknown to science. Please contact The Genetic and Rare Diseases Information Center if you note an ailment that confounds and horrifies people of medicine.

May induce temporary insanity. In the event of insanity, please resist urges to commit acts that could be considered steps in a divine plan.

Some Western religions interpret the use of Placid Springs Tartar Control Toothpaste as a rejection of God / allegiance to the forces of darkness. If denied entrance into Heaven, please discontinue use and consult priest.

When using Placid Springs Tartar Control Toothpaste, examine fecal waste daily for any evidence of having defecated organs. If an organ is found, consult a physician immediately.

May cause SLD (Sudden Leg Disappearance) in users.

By reading, looking at and/or being in the proximity of these warnings, users of Placid Springs Tartar Control Toothpaste absolve Placid Springs of any and all responsibility for mutation, horrifying disfigurement, sudden death and/or eternal damnation as a result of product's use.

Placid Springs takes the user's awareness of these warnings (including the awareness of warnings in general and/or the vague concept of words printed on paper with the intent to warn) as a tacit agreement that the user has agreed to take extreme risk with his or her life.