Conserving Energy in the Home

This was my first article for the National Lampoon. Read it here or below.

With our country's once-great power supplies stretched to their breaking point from state to state, experts agree (really good ones) that America is in the grip of a full-blown Energy Crisis.

Rolling blackouts plague your neighborhood. Entire families cook food by flashlight, and it saddens you deeply. Unnecessary appliances sit dead on your kitchen counter, your carrots tragically un-diced, your soups lukewarm and gross.

You may be asking yourself: "What can I, one lone power-saving citizen, do for my country? I've already thrown out my air conditioner. I even tape bowls of ice cubes to a makeshift bellows in my living room. Surely I've done enough?"

Frankly, sir, your arrogance astounds me. You have barely even begun to wage the war of energy conservation in your home. If you truly want to take the power back - if we are truly ready to band together, to banish the blackouts for good - then your journey has just begun.

First Steps
Taking the first step to conserving energy in your home is a difficult one. More than anything else, you must learn to become aware of how much energy your home actually uses. The members of your family - your spouse, children, pets - are more than members of a functional family unit; they are drains on your home's energy. Your energy. Therefore, any approach to energy waste should begin with the big question: what do you intend to do about it?

Be Aware
Make an effort to "energy audit" your family's energy use and patterns, especially in high-use areas such as the living room and kitchen. Learn to "shadow" your family at all times. If a family member hears a noise behind them and darts around suddenly, the only reminder of your presence should be one wobbling shoe on the linoleum. Prey on your family. Stalk them through the darkly lit rooms of your home as a wolf would a nimble fawn. When your alert senses are finally rewarded with evidence of them failing to conserve energy (such as forgetting to turn lights off when they leave a room) strike quickly and without mercy. Let the law of the jungle consume you as a dark, unforgiving shroud -- studies show this could save you over three dollars on your monthly heating bill.

Lighting
Replace high watt light bulbs (100 watts and over) with lower wattage bulbs. Gradually reduce the wattage over the course of months. Finally, remove the lights altogether, leaving only exposed wiring. A family member will no doubt attempt to check the bulb and, with visibility low, will be rewarded with a crippling surge of electric volts. Like Pavlov's dogs, by God, they WILL remember to save your energy.

Assign Priorities
Having identified places in your home where you are losing energy - where precious energy is in effect being stolen from you; ripped from your hands like an only child - assign priorities to your energy needs by asking yourself important questions.

Which rooms represent your greatest energy losses? How long will it take for an investment in energy efficiency to begin paying for itself? In the war against energy loss, which of your family members are expendable? How much are you willing to spend on maintenance and repair? On incendiary devices, explosives and trip mines? If it came to it - and it might never happen, but it could - would you be willing to put a bullet between your daughter's eyes to save energy?
Are you prepared to make sacrifices? Are you enough of a man to endure the nightmares, the screaming, the sleepless memory-haunted nights?

If so, let's save some energy.

Planning Ahead
Once you have assigned priorities to your energy needs, you can begin to form an efficiency plan for your home. Your plan should provide you with a strategy for making smart purchases that maximize energy efficiency while saving money.

Your plan should also be flexible enough to allow for setbacks, like a sudden midnight attack from the energy wasters in your house, sending the message that your energy-saving tactics would be welcome elsewhere.

"Everyone in my family supports my energy efficiency plans," you say. But then, you haven't been knee-deep in it, have you? You don't know a damn thing, my friend. When you wake up in the middle of the night with all the lights in your bedroom needlessly turned on and your dog nailed to the wall, that's when you know who's on your side. That's a moment that focuses you, that kills off anything inside you that isn't dedicated to conserving energy. Save energy. At all costs.

Also, check for holes or cracks around your walls, doors and windows for heat leaks.

Outsiders
For a price, a professional contractor will analyze your home's energy use and compare this figure against your utility bills. For a price. A good contractor will usually give you a list of recommendations for cost-effective energy improvements that should also enhance the comfort and safety of your home.

If your contractor does not offer you this list, know immediately that he is not to be trusted. Somehow he has been brought to their side. Don't waste valuable energy worrying how they got to him; attack, quickly. Use diversionary tactics while you disengage small arms from their places of concealment on your body. Ask the contractor to calculate the return on your investment in high efficiency equipment versus standard equipment. The second he breaks eye contact, make orphans of his children. Leave the corpse in the room of your home where energy is wasted the most.

As a message. Let them know they can't break you.

Leaks
Areas of your home that leak will cost you money and time. Attic entrances and furnace flues, for instance, can leak significant amounts of heat. Similarly, loose-lipped members of your family may leak far more than heat; they can leak information, revealing fundamental aspects of your energy-saving strategies before you even have a chance to strike.

When securing your home against energy loss, always remember to check the walls first - because my friend, those walls have ears. Isolate leaks quickly. Duct tape baseboards and interior trim. Inspect high ceilings and attics for insulation gaps. Wait in the broom closet for your eldest son. When you hear him padding down the hall, leap, don't think. Putting a bag over his head to avoid him recognizing you and stabbing him a few times in the thigh should get the message across. Whisper in his ear: "We don't like leaks around here. Why don't you save some energy and keep your mouth shut?

Additionally, caulk and weatherstrip any doors that might leak air.

Fireplaces
When the fireplace is not in use, keep the flue damper tightly closed. A chimney is designed to let smoke escape, meaning precious energy escapes all the time, right in front of your face. Taunting you. You can hear it escaping right now, can't you? It's eating you up inside. Listen. Listen to the energy leaving your home. Like energy is abandoning you, like you don't deserve it.

You promised yourself a long time ago you would never be abandoned again. If you let it happen now, after all you've done, then I was wrong about you all along.