What's in Men's Health

I grabbed an issue of Men's Health off a pile of magazines at work today to read on the subway home. I was unfamiliar with the magazine, and, as I read it, progressively more horrified. Here's why.

The first third of Men's Health, it turns out, is helpfully devoted to every single minor irk, itch or irritation you’ve experienced today, and why it’s cancer and is excited about killing you. Having trouble sleeping at night? Depression, and also probably diabetes. OR cancer. Heartburn? It’s making you less productive at work, studies show, which in turn might cause you to lose your job. Got enough vitamin D in your diet? You’d better hope so, or your teeth’ll fall out. Chat online? Don’t – it leads to depression, studies show. Don’t get depressed about all this, though, since depression is a trigger for cancer. Also remember to dust, or you’ll get asthma, then lung cancer. Mistake avian flu for regular flu? This will be the deadliest mistake you’ve ever made. Also: studies show that women would rather fuck a guy with an STD than someone who’s overweight, so good luck with that while avoiding contracting illnesses when picking up a toothbrush, tubby.

Up next, an article about battling depression, since the editors must have felt I’d need one after making it through the previous section. The thrust of it concerns people around the world and, statistically, why they’re all happier and having far more sex than I am. They must all have STDs, which as mentioned is an incredible turn-on in women if you're skinny.

Up next: an article by women, for men, detailing all of the ways that I should work harder to not appear fruitish and ineffectual in their eyes – their unforgiving, all-seeing eyes. Here I learned that of the sex I’m not having enough of, I’m also not taking long enough to finish, statistically. (Most women, according to Men’s Health, would prefer 44 minutes of tender, energetic sex, followed by 60 minutes of cuddling. I hope I speak for any right-thinking man when I say ladies, I appreciate the tip, but that's insane. How much time do you assume we have? I like pizza, but I don't take two hours to eat a slice.)

Next I learned that, given the innate psychic mind control all women evidently possess, any woman I’ve ever liked has known that I’ve liked her, due to the unconscious “tells” I’ve been giving off with my body movements, facial expressions and hand gestures. The article is helpful in telling me how to suppress them, though the effort would be fruitless, as another article explains that studies show women may be able to smell dominance and weakness innately. Not that it matters, of course, since even if I’d managed to bed them, it’s clear I wouldn’t have come close to pleasing them anyway, what with my lung cancer, diabetes and avian flu. The article then helpfully provides six or seven intercourse positions, including the Shoulder Holder, which involves my partner wrapping her legs around my face and – assuming the depression brought on by sleep loss that instigates my tumor doesn’t do it first – looks dangerous enough to kill me.

The magazine caps things off with a ranking of every city in America, and why the one I’m living in is the worst (the stress levels of New York City contribute to early death, it seems). Then an interview with Eric Bana, and some 45 different top secret articles about getting hard abs fast.

To summarize: absolutely everything I’m doing, from sitting to sleeping to eating to walking to talking, is killing me. Everything I do, say, or think about saying to women is wrong, and one of 25 distinct reasons why I’m statistically less than a man in the bedroom. And depression will kill you.

All of this leading me to ask: Who reads this garbage on a monthly basis, and why do you hate yourself so much?

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Edit, May 17, 2006:
Blogger Ilyka Damen kindly links back to this article, and adds a lot of intelligent stuff about how men's magazines are making guys feel as bad about themselves as women's magazines traditionally do. This was a point I didn't want to overtly make – "It's one thing if the ladies feel like crap, but making guys have low self-worth is going too far!" doesn't exactly paint me in a flattering light – but I'm glad someone bothered to mention the symmetry.

I also frankly love this line, about why I was even reading Men's Health: "I assume it was an accident, because the only way I could accept Pinkerton reading Men's Health on purpose is if Batman were on the cover."