Pinkerton's Weblog

Break-Up

I remember falling asleep next to my last girlfriend. She'd have these horrible nightmares sometimes — I'd spoon up closely to her and rub her shoulder, whispering soothing nothings in her ear until she calmed down in her sleep. I remember thinking how good it made me feel to make her feel better and watch over her even when she was sleeping.

I'd sit up and listen for her breathing to slow down to normal again.

Then— POW! Right in the shitbox with the ol' dirty cock.

Anyway, we broke up.

I remember this other time coming home from work and finding my girlfriend in tears. She'd just gotten off the phone with her mother — her grandmother had passed away in the night.

Standing there in the hallway, feeling small for my work problems, trying to comfort her, not knowing what to say, it was the first time I remember ever feeling a barrier with her — a sense that there was something wrong that I couldn't fix, that there was a part of her I didn't know.

Then I thought back to the day that my grandmother had died, and I suddenly realized what I needed to do.

"Honey? Do you remember when my grandmother died? Do you remember what you told me?"

"Yes," she whispered.

"And what did I say?"

"You said you wanted to put your dirty ol' cock in my shitbox."

"That's true, I did," I said, liberally distributing a few inches of the filthy ol' cock out of my pants. "Now, I've got a crazy idea here, I want you to hear me out..."

And then suddenly I'M the one getting kicked out of the apartment. People grieving suck ass, man.

"Excuse me, garcon— shitbox for one. I believe you'll find the reservation under a Mr. Floppy O. Cock."

"Jay, for the last time, I'm working. I'm not wearing that stupid maitre'd outfit." [type type type]

"Perhaps THIS will refresh your memory."

"Twenty dollars. Yes, great, thanks. I really need to get back to work." [type type type]

a pause.

"Perhaps THIS will refresh your memory."

"Jay, that had better not be what I think it is on my shoulder."

a pause.

"I drew a moustache on it."

"Get out!"

"Alright, Jay. My parents'll be here any minute. One more time. What won't you ask me?"

"mumblemumble..."

"Louder."

"If I can stick it in your dumper."

"What won't you stick in my dumper?"

"My filthy ol' cock."

"And what won't you call your genitals at ANY TIME tonight?"

"My filthy ol' cock."

And what will you not -- under any circumstances -- even if you think it's called for, or if you misinterpret that someone wants to see it -- pull out of your pants tonight?"

[reluctantly] "My filthy ol' cock."

"And what won't you say tonight?"

"Anything."

"Good. Okay. Remember. Smile. And you're a mute."

[knock knock knock]

"That's them. How do I look?"

[leering, making move for pants zipper]

"Nevermind. Mom! Dad! How are you? How was your trip?"

"Horrible traffic off I-90. Your poor mother was a wreck."

"Well, let me take your coats. Mom, Dad, this is Jay, my mute boyfriend."

"Hello, Jay."

"Hello, Jay."

[mimed friendly hello]

"Can I get you anything to drink, Mom? Dad?"

"I'll have a sherry, dear."

"I'll have your mother up the shitbox, dear."

"DAD!"

"What? I will. Jay— you had this little number up the shitbox yet?"

[eyeing girlfriend nervously] "I'm... not at liberty to say."

Girlfriend runs out of room crying. Jay waits for the sound of door slamming.

"Okay, yes."

Books I Intend to Write

---

Leukemia:
The Silent Killer

Me Not Talking:
The Silent Killer

Me Stubbing My Toe on That Fucking
Hopechest You Leave Lying Around:
The Cursing Killer

People Avidly Discussing How Brilliant I Am, Vol 1

Funny Things I Made Trusting People Taste

Amusing Secrets of My Ex-Girlfriends

Triumph:
How I Won 2028 Olympic Gold By Cheating

Amazing Sex:
People Magazine's Three-Time
'World's Greatest Lover' Poll Winner Explains All

The Unforgiving North:
My Voyage to The North Pole
& The People I Left There For Kicks

Slavery:
How About Retards Instead of Black People?
(Winner of 2012 Pulitzer)

Burden of Dreams:
The Ben Johnson Story I Made Up
& Got Sued By Ben Johnson Over (2nd edition)

Women From Various Countries
Discuss My Legendary Prowess in Bed, Volume 7
(Winner 2030 Nobel Prize for Literature;
Winner 2034 Nobel Prize for Literature
when accidentally re-submitted;
award kept on grounds that book is
still better than anything else released that year)

I Once Swallowed an Entire Hamster
(2027 Pulitzer Winner;
Winner 2028 Booker Prize;
picked as Car & Driver Magazine's "Best in Show")

Pictures of Me Working Out:
Mr. Universe Talks Pectorals

The Unforgiving South:
My Travels Through the Louisiana Heartland
(originally appears in 4 installments
in New Yorker as "These Grits Taste Like Shit;"
"These People Should Be Exterminated;"
"And They Actually Vote;"
& "I Hate Hate HATE The South")

My Life as a Porn Star:
a Five-Time Oscar Winner Shares his Roots

Pictures of Delicious Steaks
That I've Eaten Before I've Eaten Them
(Winner, 2020 National Book Awards)

My Thumbs & Where I've Put Them
(New Paperback Edition: Now Includes 3 New Chapters,
Including: Madonna, a Cat's Anus, My Ears)

True Tales of the Mutant Zombie Marine Corps!
(Winner of the 2009 Booker Prize For Outstanding Journalism)

More! Kids Say the Craziest Zaniest Things

A Three Musketeers Bar Before Dying

A Raven Atop My Bedpost,
& Other Intensely Symbolic Things
Sure To Win Me This Year's Booker Prize
(Winner, 2040 Booker Prize)

Avril Lavigne: By The Numbers

Number of unique words in 500-word Avril Lavigne song: 100

Title of song: "Complicated"

Number of unique words in 130-word poem "Simplicity" by Robert Service: 92

Average number of unique words "Simplicity" contains for every unique word in "Complicated": 3.5

Lavigne, on Lavigne: "I'm a skater punk who writes guitar-driven rock."

No. of tracks on Lavigne's Let Go for which she has sole writing credit: 0

On writing guitar-driven rock: "I sit down with a guitar player usually."

No. of guitar players Lavigne sat down with to write Let Go: 5

Other artists to sit down with same guitar players: Wilson Phillips, Madonna, Cyndi Lauper

On her sound: "I just didn't want to be bubblegum pop."

No. of 2002 Grammy nominations received by Avril Lavigne: 5

Lavigne, on proper pronunciation of first name: "It's not Aye-vril. It's Avril!"

Lavigne's pronunciation of David Bowie's last name at nomination ceremony: "Bau-ee"

Proper pronunciation: "Boe-ee"

Number of 2002 Grammy nominations Bowie received: 1

David Bowie's greatest accomplishments in 1984: Grammy, Best Video; MTV Video Music Award, Male Video; MTV Video Music, Vanguard Award

Avril Lavigne's greatest accomplishments in 1984: was born

Proper pronunciation of Avril Lavigne's last name: "Lah-veen"

Incorrect: "Luh-vig-nee," "Lah-viegg-nuh," "Lugh-fugh-bugh"

Lavigne, on her sound: "I don't like using the term 'pop star' because that's not my personality...I'm hardcore."

Acts to label themselves "pop stars": Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake

Acts to label themselves "hardcore": Black Flag, Dead Kennedys

No. times the words "boy," "feel" and "cry" appear on Black Flag's Damaged: 0, 2, 0

On Dead Kennedys' Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables: 0, 1, 0

On Lavigne's Let Go: 16, 11, 13

Lavigne, on lyrics: "Girls seem to be more sensitive, right? Guys like to hide their feelings."

No. times the words "boy," "feel" and "cry" appear on Justin Timberlake's Justified: 16, 39, 40

On Spears' Baby One More Time: 1, 4, 1

Ranking Lavigne (47) would receive by totaling these numbers, with Dead Kennedys (1) representing hardcore and Justin Timberlake (141) representing wussiest, most not-hardcore thing in universe: 66.6% hardcore; 33.3% pop star

Hardcore/pop star ranking Britney Spears would receive by this same ranking: 96% hardcore; 4% pop star

Lavigne, on similarity to Britney Spears: ""I'm not like [her]. I'm just being myself, being real."

Formula that scores readability based on complexity of words and sentences: The Flesch-Kincaid Index

According to Flesch-Kincaid Index, how old person must be to read the Financial Times: 18

To read the Times Educational Supplement: 17

To read lyrics to "Complicated": 8

To read lyrics to Britney Spears' "Baby One More Time": 8

To read lyrics to Eminem's "Without Me": 13

To read Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities: 13

To read lyrics to Justin Timberlake's "Like I Love You": 6 and under

No. times Timberlake says "girl" on Justified: 58

Amount Lavigne won at Kingston Exhibition and Home Show's Country Singing Show Down in 1999, in Canada: $1000

City in which author of this piece lived in 1999: Kingston, Ontario, Canada

Place author of this piece worked as Event Coordinator in 1999: Kingston Exhibition and Home Show

Duties of author during this summer job: accounting, putting hog and cattle finalists into database, some lifting

Unofficial duties: playing Prince of Persia on old 486 computer

Level I obtained on Prince of Persia by end of summer: 8

Awareness level I had of Avril Lavigne at time: 0%

Interest level I had in Country Singing Showdown: 0%

Interest level I had in Gymnastics Showdown: 97%

Relation of interest level to participant's actual proficiency in gymnastics: low to none

Relation of interest level to tightness/sheerness of outfits: very high

Relation of interest level to possibility of scoring with gymnast: very high

Likelihood that I met Lavigne that summer: 20%

Likelihood that I gave a crap: 3%

Mental state of author throughout summer: very high