Pinkerton's Weblog

I'm Back...

Howdy, folks! I've taken kind of a longish absence from the blog and websites recently. What with my recent car-beating, my upcoming move and all the other assorted distractions that come with holidays and a new year, it's been rather slow around JayPinkerton.com and The Trailer Trash, my other site. If you wrote me and I never wrote back, I apologize. Hopefully I'll be back in the saddle soon enough.

In the meantime, I skimmed some old forum posts from the last few months and pulled stuff that had me giggling.

Peace out, assorted dawgs.

Compassion is my Co-Pilot

During a forum debate several weeks ago on the pros and cons of vegetarianism, a lone vegetarian provided a well-reasoned and brave argument amidst criticism and hatred. He calmly explained that he wasn't trying to convert anyone, and he didn't think he was better than anyone. He simply did not wish to eat meat. Prejudice was his reward, as hundreds of forum posters heaped scorn on him for his beliefs.

I was one of them. Man, it was hilarious.

Be Jay Pinkerton's Friend For Only $19.99!

Basic "Casual Friendship" Entry Level Package: $19.99 a month.

With this package you get a poster, laminated membership card (10% discounts on any purchase of gift for me), my Monthly Newsletter, and A COOL PEN! Entry Level Friends will also be put on a lawyer joke email forward list.

Note: Friendship is implied only -- if I see you in the mall I won't acknowledge you, and by purchasing the package, you consent to me selling your email address to several spam mail companies.

Now, the "Pinkerton's Choice" Deluxe Friendship Package will run you around $49.99 a month, but it's a much sweeter deal. You get everything in the Entry Level, plus I'll acknowledge your existence up to five times a year, either through a collect call or a casual nod. Plus, Deluxe Friends are allowed to buy me presents that I select from a catalogue.

The "Platinum Pinkerton" Executive Friendship Package runs around $149.99 a month. You get everything from the first two packages, plus once a month we'll go out and you can buy me beer, then make sure I get home alright.

Joining Pinkerton's International "Pussy-Plus" Harem is for females only and free -- but I do require at least three 8 x 10 nude glossies and the applicant's assurance that they don't mind getting into a Batgirl outfit occasionally, pretending I'm the Riddler, that I just robbed Gotham Bank, and that I need to be punished with dirty fucking. Also, if the applicant is married, I will require a letter of reference from her husband. Fill out an application form here.

Apply today! Positions are going fast!

Buffet of the Damned

There's a Chinese buffet I sometimes go to Friday afternoons. Every week I let myself cheat on some fatty, greasy food. Sometimes it's pizza, sometimes it's a bacon double cheeseburger. But mostly it's this crappy Chinese buffet food (which I suspect resembles traditional Chinese food in much the same way that a traditional pizza from Italy resembles a deep-fried Baco-Meat-Lov-R-Maxx pan pizza from Pizza Hut).

For 8 bucks I can load up my plate (and arteries) with chicken wings, sweet and sour pork, chicken balls and sixteen other things that pretty much drip grease onto the plate. If I can't actually hear my ass getting fatter while eating, a restaurant's wasting my time.

Today's Friday. That meant my precious Chinese buffet.

So I was completely alarmed to walk over to it today and find it closed. Not just closed, but completely boarded up, with a thick wall covering it.

Because it's a Chinese buffet, of course, the first thought that immediately runs through your head is: was it closed... or shut down?

The second, much more frightening thought: why was it shut down?

Three: did it have anything to do with the fact that after eating there, my poops glowed a soft green?

Has anybody else frequented a restaurant that got closed down, possibly for health violations? Or am I just recklessly stupid with my life?