Pinkerton's Weblog

Lost in Translation

I recently got into a heated discussion with someone about the indie darling Oscar nominee Lost in Translation (they liked it, I didn't). I thought it was sluggishly paced and poorly directed; they thought it was nuanced, textured and real. We agreed to disagree.

Afterwards, though, I tried to think about how I might have made it better. I think the results speak for themselves:

They're Extreme Tactical Weapons Force. The most elite branch of National Security. "You ever gonna change, Murdock?" They break more rules before breakfast than most people make all day... "A scorpion can't change its poison tail, Talia. You know I break more rules before breakfast than most people make all day." "I guess it's a good damn thing I don't play by any, then." Their methods are dangerously extreme. "Extreme Tactical Weapons Force is out of control, sir! We have to pull them in!" "They're also the best damn Extreme Tactical Weapons Force we've got. And you damn well know it." "Damn you for being so damn right." But when an elite corps of albino terrorists threaten to unleash biological thought bombs on America… "I want one billion dollars in kruggerrands, or I'll see to it that every mind in America gets, shall we say... a very bad cold." [laughs] "You're insane." "Am I? Or is it that I'm so sane, I'm unleashing biological thought bombs on America?" BILL MURRAY IS BLADE MURDOCK "Don't insult me, Murdock. You'll never make me talk." "No. Maybe not, Vorkandac. Maybe not." "But I think I've got a group of business suit ninjas here who can." "Bonzai, mofo." SCARLETT JOHANSSEN IS TALIA CHANCE "Something's wrong. Murdock! That gasoline salesman! He was an albino! GET DOWN!" BOOM! JEREMY IRONS IS BENEDICT MATRIX WILLEM DAFOE IS FAST EDDIE "Here's the deal, Benedict. I give you Murdock and Talia on a platter. You give me the blueprints to your thought bombs." "What a strange, sad, hot dog-scented little man you are." "Ha ha ha! GUHHHHN FINGAS!" With WINONA RYDER as "Patches" "Get down on the ground! There's a warrant out for your arrest, Talia! This is real! Don't make me shoot you!" "Damn it, Patches. There's a bomb in that Thanksgiving turkey. If I don't diffuse it, Murdock's family will eat it, and explode. I can't let that happen. So if you're gonna shoot... shoot." "Goddamn it, Talia. I hate it when you're right." THIS SUMMER... "MURRRRDOCCCCKKKKK!" EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW ABOUT SUSPENSE... "Damn it, Collins, I said shoot Blade Murdock! That's an order!" "I... can't, Sarge." "Looks like your men went and grew a conscience, Williams." "DAMN YOU!!!!" EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW ABOUT LOVE... "When I'm with you, Talia, I... feel like I'm drowning." "So... what's so bad about drowning, Murdock?" "Well. You die." "Okay, two things." EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW ABOUT BIOLOGICAL THOUGHT BOMBS... "Ha ha ha! THOUGHT BOMMMBS!" ...IS ABOUT TO GET... TRANSLATED "But... but you can't kill me. I have diplomatic immunity, Murdock. And you have the papers to prove it." The meaning of those papers, Benedict..." CHK-CHK "...might have gotten lost. In translation." "Ha ha ha! GUHHHHN FINGAS!"

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