Pinkerton's Weblog

My First Review...

...or at least one of my first. I've never actually sought out reviews of the books I've appeared in, so for all I know there've been several. This one got sent to me by email. I've decided to link to it here because 1) It's a good review and 2) It mentions me. Not exactly stringent standards, I admit, but I stand by them.

I'm going to go kiss myself in the mirror. Back in a bit.

Star Wars Episode III: Proposed Titles

Star Wars Episode III: The Empire Gets Busy

Star Wars Episode III: Bad Bad Ben Kenobi & The House of Chocolate Funk

Star Wars Episode III: Amidala & Anakin Fuck

Star Wars Episode III: Simplistic Half-Baked Theology and Cool Swordfights

Star Wars Episode III: The Littlest Jedi

Star Wars Episode III: Hot-Handed God of Hong Kong Cops

Star Wars Episode III: Padawan Pipe-Fittin'

Star Wars Episode III: The Eye of Braxus

Star Wars Episode III: The Legend of Bagger Vance

Star Wars Episode III: Operation No One Gets Out Alive!

Star Wars Episode III: Amidala Shits Out Some Kids

Star Wars Episode III: Little Annie Skywalker & The Legend of the Space Pirates

Star Wars Episode III: Two Straight Hours of Intergalactic Senate Hearings Followed By Anakin Falling in a Vat of Lava

Star Wars Episode III: Jo Jo Skywalker, Your Life is Calling

Star Wars Episode III: Is That a Death Star in Your Solar System, or is The Empire Just Happy to Subjugate Your Planet?

Star Wars Episode III: Space Fuckin'

Star Wars Episode III: The Search For Spock

Star Wars Episode III: Who IS That Mysterious Cloaked Figure Who Looks Like Senator Palpatine?

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Effeminate British Mince-Droids

Star Wars Episode III: The Twin Fury of Han Duo

Star Wars Episode III: Savagely Cornholing Every Fond Childhood Memory You Had About Star Wars

Star Wars Episode III: Featuring Special Guests Aerosmith

Star Wars Episode III: DeathForce

Star Wars Episode III: Obi Wan Kenobi, Agent of J.E.D.I.

Star Wars Episode III: More Horseshit About Midichlorians

Star Wars Episode III: Like Playing a Video Game, Except the Story's Less Interesting

A Real Looker

Patricia: "This salmon is delicious. How’s your hamburger?"

Jay: [slumped down in chair sulking] "Sucks."

Patricia: "Oh."

Jay: "I asked for raw hamburger and they cooked it anyway. Assholes."

Patricia: "I think the waiter thought you were just kidding." [pause] "I know I did."

Jay: "Well, I wasn’t."

Patricia: "Doesn’t eating raw meat give you tapeworms or something?"

Jay: [mumbling] "...so gonna put my dick in the mint bowl on the way out."

Patricia: "What?"

Jay: "I didn’t say anything."

Patricia: "I thought you did."

Jay: "No. I didn’t say anything." [figuring it out] "Maybe you're just stupid. You thought I said something because of that."

Patricia: "So… why did you answer my personal ad again?"

Jay: "I think we both know the answer to that." [pushing forty dollars across table]

Patricia: "What’s this for?"

Jay: [waggling eyebrows]

Patricia: "I don’t understand."

Jay: [waggling eyebrows, gesturing at crotch]

Patricia: "I don’t understand."

Jay: [waggling eyebrows, gesturing at crotch] "I want to pay you for sex."

Patricia: [frozen] "I’m sorry? I think there’s been some misunderstanding."

Jay: "What? But your personal ad."

Patricia: "'Single white female, late 20s, seeks caring, sensitive man…'"

Jay: "Which I am..."

Patricia: "'…who likes dinner and dancing and having fun."

Jay: [starts dancing in chair] "Woo! See?"

Patricia: "'…My friends tell me I’m a real looker. I hope you do too!'”

Jay: [pause] "A real what?"

Patricia: "Looker."

Jay: "Not a…"

Patricia: "LOOKER."

Jay: "Oh." [pause] "Ohhhhhhhhhhh."

[pause]

Jay: "I don’t suppose you’d want to…"

Patricia: "No."

Jay: "Right. Listen, I think I’m going to leave early. You don’t mind if I skip out on the check, do you?"

Patricia: "Help yourself."

Jay: "Thanks. You don't mind if I eat your salmon, do you?" [grabbing salmon off plate, folding it and shoving into pocket] "Bitching. Okay, call out if it looks like the waiter's gonna tackle me." [sprints off like mouse]