Pinkerton's Weblog

"Berry" Good News

No, you're not imagining things. Unless you were imagining that Leinenkugels Brewing Co. has some "berry" good news, in which case yes, you are imagining something. The truth.

(I'm assuming by this point in the post that you've worked out where you stand on the imagining things/not imagining things spectrum, based on what you may or may not have been imagining when you read the previous sentence).

According to the official Leinenkugels website, "there's more than one way to indulge in the sweet taste of berries this summer." I know what you're thinking: there's only one way to indulge in the sweet taste of berries this summer, and Leinenkugels are a pack of filthy goddamn liars. If I want the sweet taste of berries, I have to get in the car and head to the berry fields. It's just that simple... right?

Wrong. "If heading to the berry fields is not an option," Leinenkugels' website explains, ignoring the fact that heading to the berry fields is rarely not an option for most people, "pick a Leinenkugel's Berry Weiss, now back on store shelves through October. Since 1996, Leinenkugel's Berry Weiss has blended the sweet flavors of loganberries, elderberries and blackberries for a summer quencher that satisfies even the thirstiest lumberjack and heartiest sweet tooth."

It looks like there's also more than one way to get satisfied by this versatile summer quencher. If you're a thirsty lumberjack, for instance, this drink was made with you in mind. Ditto for sugar addicts. Perhaps if you're the lunatic who writes copy for Leinenkugel's Berry Weiss, you will also be satisfied by these blended sweet flavors. It's left ambiguous, perhaps purposely.

We now move on to a Leinenkugel's Berry Weiss FAQ, no doubt in response to the overwhelming questions people had about this exciting new product. One such question: "How much berry flavor is brewed into each barrel of Leinenkugel's Berry Weiss?", betraying more than a layman's knowledge of the product, as I had been unaware it was even brewed in barrels (if forced to guess, I would have said a big and old boot). The answer: "Each barrel of Berry Weiss is hand-flavored to capture the taste of over 12 lbs. of berries."

You hear that, cynics? Twelve goddamn pounds of fucking berries. In one barrel. You try and even fit twelve pounds of berries in a barrel and see how far you get. Leinenkugel's Berry Weiss managed to do that while somehow leaving enough room to fit in their disgusting berry drink, which is apparently "hand-flavored". The less said about this the better.

Another pertinent question: "What berry juice has been used to dye and add color to sailor's uniforms?" Apparently, blackberry juice -- the same ingredient used in Leinenkugel's Berry Weiss. It's never adequately explained why someone would bother to write a beer company asking the answer to dye trivia about sailor's uniforms. Ultimately, it was lucky they did, though, since Berry Weiss is made from the same ingredient, and thus inside Leinenkugel's area of knowledge.

I refuse to even entertain the idea that Leinenkugel's Berry Weiss is intentionally misrepresenting thier product with fictional questions from imaginary Berry Weiss fans, since that's preposterous. So what most likely happened here is that someone had an undyed sailor uniform emergency, and with their ship about to leave port, had resorted to frantically emailing corporations for help.

Another question: "What is the more "senior citizen" berry of Leinenkugel's Berry Weiss fruity trio?" As it turns out, the elderberry. It's a good thing Leinenkugel's Berry Weiss has a limitless supply of patience with their fans. This strikes me as a fairly easy question; it's just eating up useful FAQ space that could otherwise be used to address valid, life-threatening concerns about the use and storage of Leinenkugel's Berry Weiss. Also, when I hear someone use the phrase "fruity trio", all that tells me is that five minutes ago it was a fruity quartet, but then you walked over here.

Another question: "which berry is said to have special healing powers?" My answer: "Berries don't have powers and you're an idiot. Throw away your keyboard and don't let me catch you online again." Their admittedly more helpful answer: "Blackberries are believed to have cured loose teeth, gout, anemia, sore throats and cholera."

Note the clever use of "believed to have," which manages to imply that the blackberry's power to cure cholera is inconclusive, while the past tense use tells you that even if people once believed it could, they certainly don't now, since it's ridiculous. While legally protecting themselves, Leinenkugel's Berry Weiss nonetheless manages to get across the subtle hint that its product contains a potentially cholera-eradicating super-chemical. Most likely it will have no effect on you at all; they admit this freely. Can you take the risk? I'm willing to wager you cannot.

Following the FAQ are several recipes no human would be able to read and still want to try cooking. One involves potatoes and bacon, for God's sake. If you're convinced you can make anything edible with ham and berry-flavored Leinenkugel's, get out of my kitchen and go sit down. You've had too much sun.