Jay Pinkerton.com

October 29, 2004

Hey, People Who Leave Comments on My Blog! Read This!

So I was chatting last night with someone I got to know from her reading my blog, because — I won't lie to you — I'm an insecure compliment whore. The only thing I love more than the sound of my own voice, really, is the sound of other voices telling me how great the sound of my own voice is. Chatting with people who read things I write allows me to circle endlessly in on my favorite subject — me — without getting beat up a lot.

"So... would you say every word that comes out of my mouth is genius?" I asked. "Be honest with your praise."

"Sure, whatever," she said.

"That's what I think too," I agreed. "Sometimes it's hard topping myself with every one of my blog posts. And yet somehow I always do. I'd be frightened by it if I wasn't so talented."

"Uh huh," she said.

"So can you send me pictures of your breasts?" I asked, changing the subject.

The connection must have been bad or something, because she ignored this. Instead, she asked me if I ever visit the websites of the people who post in my comments section. The question baffled me.

"How could I read my own stuff if I went to another page?" I posed. "Do you mean to say they cut and paste my articles into their blogs, and I could read them in front of an exciting new internet backdrop?"

Apparently this isn't what she meant at all. Apparently some of you guys actually have websites of your own, and apparently many of them are hilarious. I doubt this, of course — the idea that others could be similarly blessed with my talents seems to refute the very laws of biology. But I played along for the time being.

She mentioned one article by one of you in particular that she enjoyed -- something about a freezie pop, and sucking on it, and showing pictures of sucking on it, and something about using the freezie pop as a metaphor for cock sucking. Or something. "It was hilarious," she assured me.

"It must be hard for you to tell me all this while not sending me pictures of your breasts," I said, endlessly refreshing my inbox. At this point we must have been cut off, because I got a dialtone.

Anyway. Any of you chuckleheads recognize this article as your own? Got something funnier than the article described that you'd like me to read? Post in the comments below. I'm always looking for fresh funny voices to showcase on the Lampoon. And in the absence of these fresh funny voices, I'd even be grudgingly willing to settle for yours.

Posted by jay pinkerton at 03:25 PM | Comments (34)

October 26, 2004

UPS is the worst shipping service in North America

After I moved to LA, I had my dad send my computer tower to me by UPS. For $120, it was cheaper, I figured, than having to buy a new computer here.

Two weeks go by. The date I was supposed to have received my tower (Oct 19) comes and goes. UPS delivery men fail to appear at my door. Irritated, I go to www.ups.com and track my package:

According to UPS, my computer tower arrived safely in LA on the 19th and went “OUT FOR DELIVERY”. As best as I can tell, it then entered into the Bermuda Triangle and was devoured by pterodactyls, since I didn't actually receive it.

Adding insult to the injury of losing my computer tower, the million megwatt bulbs at UPS then actually sent me a bill for my lost package. Evidently there was an “Entry Prep Fee” when my computer entered the US border, to the tune of $21.00. UPS decided it was fair for me to pay this, as it helps to pay the wages of the people who then take packages from the border and lose them in nearby creeks and ponds.

I received this bill yesterday and decided maybe it was time to phone UPS. After waiting on hold for 25 minutes, I was transferred to a bored-sounding woman who couldn’t have sounded less interested in my problem without hanging up on me. Eager to get this across, she did just that, and I got a dial-tone.

Phoning back, I waited another 15 minutes on hold, then expressed my concern to an identically bored-sounding woman that I was being billed for a computer tower I never actually received. She promised to “put a trace” on the lost package.

Today I phoned UPS to follow up on the status of my trace. Waiting 20 minutes on hold, I was then transferred to a man who told me that the department I’d been speaking to yesterday was, it turned out, the wrong department. He transferred me to another one for another five minute wait.

Now on the phone with the right department, I was finally able to get the results of the trace on my package, which was that no trace had been put on my package.

“Are you sure?” I asked, flabbergasted. “The woman yesterday said she put a trace on it.”

“There’s no trace on this package, sir,” I was informed.

“Well… can you put a trace on the package, then?”

“That trace has to be initiated by the sender, sir,” she explained. “The sender needs to initiate the trace with its point of origin, a Mailboxes, Etc. outlet in Ontario. They can then talk to us and initiate a trace.”

The depth of everything wrong with this sentence overwhelmed me, so I was forced to slow down and go over every bit of stupidity individually.

“I can’t initiate the trace myself,” I clarified.

“No, sir.”

“And the sender can’t initiate the trace. Only Mailboxes Etc. can.”

“That’s who we have an agreement with, sir, so yes.”

“But my package isn’t IN Ontario. My package is in LA.”

“Not necessarily, sir.”

“What?”

“We have your package leaving Illinois. We then have a tracking number of your SHIPMENT in LA.”

“What?”

“We have evidence that the truck that would have carried your package was there when it should have been.”

“So… you scanned my package in Illinois, then when it got to LA, you scanned the truck?”

“Yes, sir.”

“So we have no idea if my package was on the truck, but we know for certain that the truck it would have been loaded on existed in physical form on the 19th. That’s how you track this.”

“Yes, sir.”

“So my package is anywhere from here to Illinois. That’s what we know.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And you want me to go back to the one place I know it isn’t, and get my father to force an 18-year-old at Mailboxes Etc. to initiate a trace.”

“No, sir. Mailboxes, Etc., as the insurer of the package, would then settle the difference with us.”

“Wait. Mailboxes, Etc. would initiate a trace or not?”

“No, sir. Mailboxes, Etc. would receive the difference of any insurance of the package.”

“No. Stop. Why are you talking like the package is already gone? Why are we talking about Mailboxes Etc and insurance? Just... just find my package. Trace it.”

“Sir, I can’t—“

“Trace it now or I will have my attorney phone you in five minutes, I swear to fucking Christ.”

I don’t have an attorney, of course, but this seemed to work, since she then initiated the trace. She informed me that the trace would take 10 business days, at which point the results of the trace could be sent – and only be sent – to Mailboxes, Etc. At which point, allowing for 2 weeks by business mail, it would arrive at Mailboxes, Etc., and God willing an 18-year-old would then open the mail and phone my father, who could phone me and tell me where my tower is.

Why would they make it this difficult? Because they don’t care. My package was insured for $500. In terms of manhours and effort to trace the results of their fuck-up across multiple timezones and four airports to eventually find the package an airport attendant is probably using as a doorstop right now, they lose money. In their mind, this is already over. My package did not get to its destination. Whatever. They’ll now force Mailboxes Etc to pay the $500 insurance fee. And they will never think of it again. This “trace” they’ve already committed to twice, I guarantee you, will never happen. They will wait ten days, and then they will pay $500, and fuck you.

In case all of this isn’t abundantly clear right now:

Fuck UPS. They are negligent, incompetent, do not care about their customers, lose packages, have no infrastructure to track said lost packages, and then send bills to people afterwards for the packages they do not receive. If I can convince ten people to use FedEx instead of UPS I will sleep happily tonight. If you work in a business that requires package shipping, and you have the choice, choose any other delivery service than UPS.

Fuck UPS.

FUCK UPS.

DID YOU KNOW?

According to My3Cents.com, UPS is the lowest rated of any delivery service!

It also has the distinction of having received the most complaints of any other delivery service, with over 138 distinct users actually taking the time to voice their displeasure! Among some of the complaints:

"I had insurance for $1000.00 on a package that was crushed by ups and destroyed. They never even inspected it and immediately claimed it was not packaged correctly. . . If I had it my way, And the money to back me, I would lobby congress to pass a bill which would give us the consumers the power to do something against this corporate giant. UPS is a thieving dishonest company and should be sanctioned."

"Worst delivery service I have ever seen. They consistently route packages to wrong facilities which adds gross delays. UPS also reports 'Exception' and falsifies delivery tries (when in fact none were made) on their website. The company lacks serious method, order, training, communication and honesty in their dealings."

"...I finally reached a person on the phone who said that UPS would initiate an investigation that would take 8 days. After 4 days I called back to inquire. I was treated like I had crossed a CSI police barricade and compromized an active investigation. By this time the UPS web site was telling me that I was not using a valid tracking number. So, I waited another 4 days and called again. Now they tell me that the investigation is ongoing, but that they haven't located the shipment. The seller says that they may refund my money, but only after UPS concludes their investigation. Now it has been a month."

"Many hours were spent on the phone with dozens of representatives, or waiting by the phone for other representatives to call back. On more than one occasion I have been hung up on, on other occasions greeted by rude and unprofessional representatives. . . THOSE WHO READ THIS. DO NOT, EVER SHIP ANYTHING YOU CARE ABOUT WITH UPS."

Posted by jay pinkerton at 04:33 PM | Comments (19)

October 25, 2004

UPS: Unconditional Parcel Screw-ups

I just received a UPS bill for my PC, which says I owe them an additional $25.00 charge for having delivered my PC on the 19th.

I had to give them a call and, as politely as I could, mention the fact that while I was happy to pay them the money, I hadn't actually RECEIVED the package yet.

They've now put a "trace" on it, which is UPS code language for "Here's the thing -- if you don't have it, we have no fucking idea where your computer is."

Lovely.

Where My Fucking Computer Might Be:
A Dramatization

At the crack of dawn, while everyone else lies comfortably in their beds, the hardworking men and women of the United Parcel Service get to work. "Let's see what's on the docket today," says Parcel Manager Chet. "A computer delivery to LA? This looks like a job for UPS!"

Packages safely stowed away? "Check!" says Chet enthusiastically. Next stop? Sunny LA!

UPS AWAYYYYYYYYYYY!

Just hours later, Chief Parcel Supervisor Gary sprints to his destination! Nothing's keeping this package from getting to its destination, on time, and in great shape. "Your computer, sir!"