Pinkerton's Weblog

Me and Fred Savage

Two questions I’m emailed surprisingly often: “Are you ever going to put Me and Fred Savage back online?” and “Who’s the little [elf/monkey/crazy lunatic] in your wallpaper? He’s [funny/scary/monkey/insane]-looking.”

To answer the first question: Me and Fred Savage is finally, in its entirety, back online. Enjoy. To answer the second: the little elf dude was the main character of Me and Fred Savage.

Those of you interested in the story of how these comics came into being can read about it here. Those of you who'd rather just read the comic, click on the image below.

I should warn you: these were written ages ago when I was younger and a lot more brash with my comedy. They're really, really offensive. For serious. Not safe for work.

The Cover Critic: Avengers #33

After giggling at DC's Justice League of America yesterday, it occured to me that I should examine a Marvel title to balance the scales. So today we'll be taking a look at Marvel's version of the Justice League, The Avengers. 'Nuff said!

Most Avengers covers illustrate our heroes in a cool mid-fight pose as they pummel the stuffing out of a rival league of supervillains. It’s as if a photographer happened to chance by just as every Avenger was about to deliver a knock-out blow.

Sometimes, to keep things fresh, everyone gets a cool mid-fight pose against one enormous supervillain. Iron Man fights his thigh! Captain America tosses his shield at an exposed ankle while Thor hammers away at a tricep! Just a few more hours, gang!

It’s for these reasons that I’ll always enjoy the cover for Avengers #33, which manages to side-step all this heroic nonsense in favor of the simple pleasures of holding a non-powered guy down and absolutely beating on him.

The title “To Smash a Serpent!” blazes over our heroes, though it could easily read “To Slap a Serpent a Couple Times in the Face!” or “To Embarrass a Serpent In Front of His Relatives!” and still faithfully explain the actions on the cover. Captain America looks like he’s delivering less a trademark knockout blow to the jaw here so much as a Wet Willy.

Aren’t the Avengers government-funded? Assembling six superheroes to hold down a guy in a lizard costume and work him over seems like a waste of tax dollars. Captain America could have easily walked down to the park and gotten the Serpent in a full nelson all by himself, without Goliath and Scarlet Witch on the clock.

For that matter, is this even an Avenger-level problem? I thought we paid these guys to handle global threats to security, like when Dr. Doom orders his laser gorilla army to attack Brooklyn or whatever. The Serpent’s brown housecoat looks menacing and all, but the ability to look ridiculous in public isn’t actually a super-power. The NYPD should be more than up to the task of subduing a fruitcake in a lizard mask and galoshes. If not, there needs to be a few more levels of protocol before we call the Avengers hotline. Let the fire department have a go at him, for God’s sake.

The story in the comic reveals that this is a Very Special Issue of the Avengers, with Cap and the gang tackling the issue of Racism. The Sons of the Serpent, a thinly-veiled caricature of the Ku Klux Klan, hold a rally to discuss non-whites in America and why that's bad. It’s up to the Avengers to expose the whole thing as a Communist plot and punch them a great deal.

It always bothers me when comic book writers presume to involve superheroes in real-life problems. At the end of the day, we’re talking about grown men and women running around in spandex firing force-bolts from their nipples at guys named Baron Zemo and the Mole Man. I appreciate the attempt here to illuminate serious issues, but it’s difficult to take an argument about gay rights seriously when it’s being explained to you by a man in lightning bolt pajamas with little wings glued to the sides of his head.

Besides that, while it might be morally reprehensible to hold a rally condemning non-whites, it’s not actually illegal — so it’s a little iffy what grounds the Avengers have here to break it up with violence. That the Supreme Serpent is, by the end of the comic, revealed to be an Asian communist dictator seems to clear the whole thing up, teaching us a valuable lesson that racism is wrong, and usually the fault of those slant-eyed Commies. How dare those Asians come to America and organize rallies to promote hatred of non-whites in Americ—wait, that makes no sense.

Fantastic Four and the Justice League

I'd planned to write a big opinion post about the Fantastic Four trailer that came out last week. My points:

• It looks ridiculous!
• Scratch that. It looks 4diculous!
• Weren't they just casting this thing a few months ago? Did they film it with a picture phone on the drive over to the editing room?
• Didn't The Incredibles already sort of do The Fantastic Four? More to the point, didn't The Incredibles already do it in a far, far superior way to anything this rushed, inexpensive-looking flotsam could accomplish?

Those were pretty much the bases I was gonna round on this one. However, as is so often the case with our false illusions of individuality, I discovered that every one of these views has, for the last week, been flogged ad nauseum by the Simpsons-quoting hive-mind known as the internet. It's incredibly depressing when the thoughts you'd assumed were yours are simultaneously posted by several hundred thousand others in a one-week timeframe — many of whom, judging from their vernacular, see literacy and grammar as shackles to be hewn by the strength of their passion for the subject matter.

At any rate, the discovery left me without a topic to criticize for thousands of words, as is the tradition around these parts. As a substitute, I invite you to check out the cover for Justice League of America #103, in which the world's greatest super-heroes are confronted with a nightmarish and needlessly melodramatic tombstone prop by the translucent and equally melodramatic Phantom Stranger:

Despite his non-corporeal state, the Phantom Stranger manages to grip a shovel easily, suggesting he spent the entire evening digging the plot himself. I can't help but marvel at the prepwork implied here. Once he'd gotten down six feet, he then drove over to the engraver's to pick up the tombstone he'd pre-ordered; then phoned the Justice League to have them meet him at the graveyard at precisely midnight (they evidently had no objections to this); then raced back to the cemetery before midnight and hid behind some bushes. That's a hell of a lot of effort just to theatrically illustrate to someone that you're going to kill them. He could have achieved the same reaction if he'd just held the shovel menacingly over his head.

I also love the indignity suggested here by the Phantom Stranger. Digging up one plot was exhausting and time-consuming — he’s certainly not going to be bothered to dig six, happy to simply stack our heroes one on top of the other before filling the grave back in. (With that many bodies, he couldn’t need more than a shovelful of dirt or two.)

Hunting out this back issue would doubtlessly reveal a storyline completely at odds with the attention-grabbing cover, of course. You’d find out that the Phantom Stranger was merely warning the Justice League of their doom, rather than threatening it (making it even more pathetic that he’d go to all that effort with the grave business). Comic book covers are famous for this. Leafing through issues at the convenience store, you’d get your attention grabbed by this totally kick-ass cover with Green Arrow holding a loaded gun to Batman’s temple or something, frantic with rage and shrieking at the Justice League in all caps, “STAY BACK! I’M GOING TO KILL BATMAN!” You’d have no other options but to buy the comic. What did Batman do to snap Green Arrow’s tether like this? Drank all his Dr. Peppers out of the Justice League fridge, maybe? Who knows? Worth checking out, anyway.

Naturally, within the first two pages you’d find out they’d just been rehearsing for a play, or something equally stupid. By page five they’d be rushing off to battle Lex Luthor’s Kill-Bots, the electrifying confrontation promised on the cover a distant memory. I’d probably be more furious with comics for manipulating my emotions so nakedly if it wasn’t for the fact that I managed to fall for it every time. Seriously, you think I'd have caught on.

I think my favorite part of this cover is Batman’s reaction to all this:

How can you not love the moxie on this guy? Threatened with death by a hat-wearing phantasm, every other member of the Justice League is understandably horrified. Batman, on the other hand, just looks irritated. The look of disgust on his face, the outstretched palm to Superman, as if to say, “Can you believe this guy?” He’s a busy man, that Batman. Getting dragged to a graveyard at midnight marked the limit of his patience, Phantom Stranger, and you just went over.

Oscar Conspiracy Theories

The 2005 Oscar nominations came out today, and I have to say I agree with most of the choices (not that anyone of consequence in the film industry was waiting for my approval, of course, but I give it all the same).

I do admit, though, that Alan Alda's nomination for Best Supporting Actor is a bit of a puzzler. In The Aviator alone, I'd have given the nod to Alec Baldwin or John C. Reilly above Alda, who basically played... well, Alan Alda, which is to say a slight variation of Hawkeye from M*A*S*H.

This reeks of one of those "He'll be dead soon, best get this over with" awards, in the vein of Martin Landau's Ed Wood win some years back.

I'm also extremely confused as to why the Academy insists on keeping animated films in their own little category away from the rest of the contenders. Judging a documentary separately from other films I can understand — if it's doing its job well, the focus of a doc should be less on storytelling and more on a gripping interpretation of a historical event or relevant personality.

It's more difficult for me to wrap my head around why an animated film — with its like-minded focus on storytelling and character — should be judged seperately from any non-animated film. Few Oscar fans would deny that the Best Picture award is "the show" — it's the big one. Winning for Best Animated Film is like getting a You Almost Made a Real Movie! trophy.

Normally this wouldn't grate at me, but in a year where The Incredibles towered head and shoulders over every other film in critical acclaim, box office and audience affection, it seems a bit suspicious that it's been left out of the Best Picture category.

For all you conspiracy nuts out there, suck on this: inside the industry, it's widely understood that Martin Scorsese, having been denied Oscar gold despite decades of landmark filmmaking, is pretty much a lock for Best Director and Best Picture. However, giving the trophy to the difficult, three-hour-long butt-number The Aviator over crowdpleaser The Incredibles would just anger viewers. Keeping Incredibles off to the side gives it an easy win — not to ruin the suspense, but it'll probably beat A Shark's Tale — while still giving mad props to a filmmaker who's probably ready to throw a tantrum if he doesn't get something to put in his trophy case soon.

Alternative conspiracy theory: the Academy is setting up Scorsese to fail, hoping an Oscar loss this late in the game will provoke the director into an on-air rampage, during which his enormous eyebrows are revealed to be sentient and deadly.

Three Great Sites

One of the great things about my job is that, as the paid editor of a humor website, I now get paid to surf the net looking for funny stuff. One of the horrible things about my job is that I so rarely find any.

So the excitement I get when I accidentally stumble on a great, funny website is palpable. I'm so surprised by the rare pleasure of reading something online that isn't crap I'll end up devouring it in one go, pausing only for bathroom and snack breaks.

Every one of the sites below gave me that experience recently. I've got 'em all linked on the side panel of my blog, but since each gave me much and asked for little, I'm giving 'em the meager center stage at JP.com. (As for common themes: they're all about comics in some way. What can I say — I like comics.) In no particular order...

I Read The Comics So You Don't Have To
By Josh Fruhlinger, "I Read the Comics" is an often cruel, always hilarious site for those of us who anxiously and religiously scattered the newspaper for the funny pages as kids — and who now, as adults, wonder why they aren't funny anymore (or, for that matter, if they ever were. It's one thing to read Garfield and not laugh; quite another when it's concrete evidence you were an extensively stupid child).

Josh dissects every strip from Dilbert to Zits with minutiae-obsessed analysis completely at odds with the light, inoffensive subject matter. What I love most about his dissections, though, is that — like me — he does love his comics, even when rending them to shreds. Among my favorite sections so far:

- For Better or For Worse, for its attempt to wrestle with the strip's weighty soap opera style and Canadian roots;
- BC, for Josh noticing that it's not actually funny and, in fact, may well be the product of a madman;
- Family Circus, for reasons that should be immediately self-evident to anyone who's ever read Family Circus.

Daily Dinosaur Comics
Written by Ryan North, Daily Dinosaur Comics strikes me as a quiet, possibly even ugly child. There's nothing to recommend itself to me at first glance, but over time the peculiarities grow on me and become cherished idiosyncracies.

I recognize this might not sound like glowing praise. I'm just trying to steel you for a strip that, on a first visit, might lose you completely with its repetitive, prolix style. Trust me: hit the archives, start at the first one and work your way forward. I've found it to be one of the most off-kilter, imaginative and thoughtful comics currently being produced on the internet today.

Scott Tipton's Comics 101
I'd give Scott Tipton's Comics 101 a plug if for no other reason than I grabbed all the Batman comic scans from one of his essays for use in Batman Origin Comics. Luckily there's plenty more to recommend here, from highly informative comic book history to an entertaining style that balances a playful needling of the subject matter while retaining a healthy reverence of it.

Curious about the history of Superman? Ever wondered what that Crisis on Infinite Earths hoopla was a few years back? Interested if Aquaman was ever once, in his many incarnations, not a useless donkey? Scott Tipton's your man. I could spend — and come to think of it, have — entire afternoons perusing the archives.

Got a favorite site? Post it in the Comments section!

The Return of Batman Origin Comics!

As before, co-written with the illustrious Peter Lynn.

(Click here to read part one.)