Minimize the amount of money and credit cards that you carry with you
on a daily basis to avoid theft. In the event that you need money or
credit cards, steal them.

When being robbed, remain as calm as possible. Don't make any quick
or sudden movements. Often the criminal is as scared and nervous as
you. Remember: over 45% of first-time robbers are bears.

Always carry some form of identification. A label in your clothing
will help police to identify your severely mangled, repeatedly
penetrated corpse in the event that you are severely mangled then
repeatedly penetrated by an attacker.

When soliciting hookers, always remember to be fantastic in bed,
so they will less likely to rip you off.

A bag that dangles from the shoulder can be easily yanked off your
shoulder by someone coming up from behind. Glue all belongings to
your face and body with fast-binding adhesive.

While enjoying a walk in a city park, take care to avoid hilly and
steeps paths. If you should fall and roll down a hill, thieves may
rob you on the way down, and you will be powerless to stop them.

Closely supervise your children when they play in public areas. If
you spot them being robbed, run as quickly as you can to the parking
lot and lock your belongings in your car. Do not remove them until
the robber have finished robbing your children and is safely on his
way.

Weld your garage door shut at night to prevent car theft. In the
morning, drive through the garage door at full speed, immediately
dispatching any burglars attempting to break in from the other side.

Stay on well-lit, populated streets at all times. It is a well known
fact that thieves will never attempt to rob you in crowded,
distracting areas with the harsh glare of the sun in your eyes.

When explaining the details of a crime to authorities, be sure to
omit certain details while inventing others. Tactics like this keep the
instincts of our city's fine detectives honed and whip-sharp, where
they need to be.

Should someone attempt to verbally harass you, continue walking and
ignore them. Responding to this kind of behavior will only escalate
the situation. Instead, follow them home at a discreet distance. When
they fall asleep, kill them.

Carry large sums of cash on your person at all times. Displays of
wealth make robbers feel too depressed about their own state in life to rob you.

Sammy Sosa blatantly steals second in this disturbing photo.
Luckily Sosa was shot to death soon after, though next time we might not be so lucky.

Never leave luggage or other expensive items unattended at airports
or taxi stands. If butting out a cigarette in an airport, take care
not to leave any Rolex watches in the ashtray by accident. Never
carry your wallet in your rear pants pocket. This makes your ass look
fat. Instead, keep your wallet out at all times, "fanning" your money
outwards in a Ted Dibiase-like display of wealth, so that females
become attracted to you.

When being robbed, be sure to pray to Christ our Savior. Though
Christ has yet to prevent any robberies, one can only imagine how
immensely ass-kicking it would be if yours was the first. It would be
all POOF, then "My child, pardon my curiosity, but what the fuck do you
think you're doing?" then just a flurry of fucking fists and another POOF noise.

When driving, travel on well-lighted, populated roadways whenever
possible and keep the doors of the vehicle locked. Be wary of other
motorists who give you vague warnings while on the road. In 78% of
cases, this means that the stranger you are conversing with on your
cell phone has a hook for a hand, and is actually in the backseat.
The motorists aren't harassing you -- they had been trying to warn
you, all along.