Polychlorinated biphenyls (or PCBs, to the layman) are synthetic compounds that can be found in pesticides, lubricants and plastics. PCBs have been linked to cancer, and have been proven to vastly damage immune and reproductive systems.

Because of this, they have been banned — and yet, because existing PCBs can disperse so easily, they have accumulated in ocean currents and ground water, where they are transferred to the many marine animals living in a polluted environment. Last summer, researchers found high amounts of PCBs in the blubber of killer whales off the coast of British Columbia. Something must be done.

Another serious danger marine mammals face today is Jeff Kandell, who fucks them. This phenomenon has worried researchers for well over a decade, though it can be traced back to 1991, when marine biologists moored by the northern slope of Glacier Bay first discovered the problem existed. While conducting a routine tagging and monitoring operation, Dr. Keith Sewath and his team noted that Alaska's orca population was showing the first tragic signs of Jeff Kandell fucking them. Lethargy, claw marks and confused vacant eyes were all reported symptoms. Not coincidentally (though it was thought so at the time), Jeff Kandell's 84 Dodge Ram was seen parked on one of the glaciers.

This problem has unfortunately only gotten worse over time, despite repeated phone calls on my part to Jeff Kandell's Sudbury-area apartment, begging him to please stop. Jeff chose not to listen, and our planet's marine mammals have suffered all the worse for it. Semen levels in the stomachs of baby harp seals have drastically risen, from 0 litres per seal in 1985, to a shocking and saddening 1 litre in 1994.

This worries researchers for many reasons. Firstly, it puts forward the hard-to-ignore scenario that this semen found its way into these seals through Jeff Kandell and his insatiable lust. Secondly, the data suggests that Jeff has a near-inexhaustible supply of ejaculate, which seems to directly contradict U of T Professor Paul Garris' thesis, "Maybe He'll Just Run Out." Clearly, new answers are called for.

More and more, scientists are finding marine mammals just fucked to snot by Jeff Kandell. It is troubling. In 1992, a new breed of dolphin was discovered near Reykjavik. Sadly, when this specimen was examined under closer scrutiny, it was found that Jeff Kandell had already discovered the noble beast some six years earlier, and had fucked it to exhaustion. That Jeff had beaten us to the punch on the discovery and not bothered to report it was upsetting enough to the scientific community; that he had violated the dolphin in every orifice, from several different positions, for the better part of a day, can only be called infuriating.

Christine Erbe of the Institute for Ocean Sciences points out Jeff Kandell has a definite pattern to his offenses. "He never has sex with the same mammal twice," she says, "indicative that this is not motivated sexually. Rather, Jeff seems more concerned with having had intercourse, forced or
otherwise, with every exsting marine mammal. If science doesn't step in soon, Jeff Kandell will be successful in this aim."

As I write this, 16 Cuvier's beaked whales are being resuscitated in the Bahamas. Researchers describe the animals as "noble, and agile, with looks of petrified terror and confusion." Clearly this has gone too far. What makes it worse is that we know who keeps doing it: it's Jeff Kandell, who lives in apartment 522 in Newbury Heights in Sudbury, Ontario.

It just bugs the shit out me, because he won't stop. I met him in the parking lot of his building last year, and I had my shirt off, all prepared to fight. "Hey, big man," I said. "Why don't you try fucking something other than a salmon?" I'd been doing push-ups for a bit before he came out, so I was pretty ripped, and I looked ready to play.

And what did Jeff do? He keyed my car. He whipped out his keys and took the shit out of my finish, and then hopped in his truck and drove off.

I'm sorry. He's just such an asshole. Stop fucking everything, you asshole! Stop it! Our ocean creatures are getting very seriously ill! They'll all be dead soon, and it's your fault, you fucking ASS! If anyone who's reading this knows Jeff, please try and talk some sense into him. I'm just — I'm sorry, I'm going out of my fucking MIND over here! NGH!