As a young fuck-enthusiast, you may be asking yourself: "Why am I reading this article, and not fucking?"

If you're not thinking this, you certainly should be. Joe and Jane College Fuckscene are, even as you read this sentence, pumping triumphant fists in the air while they make big heaping piles of love in the dorms, student residences and Subway bathrooms that surround you. So why aren't you? Right now? With the person to your immediate left or right?

As a member of that luckiest of breeds, the college student, you have a duty to live up to for the rest of us. Though you don't realize it yet — and why should you? — it will never, ever be as easy as it is right now to get into the pants and moisten up the naughty bits of absolutely everyone around you. As a college student, you are out of high school, out of your parent's house, and out on your own for the first time. You are surrounded by single people your own age — people bursting at the seams with newfound independence, who want to meet you and like you and want you to like them. You could throw a rock and hit someone you will later be sleeping with (assuming you don't throw the rock too hard).

Because of this, you should be doing everything in your power to get laid as often as possible, while this embarrassment of choice still exists. When not eating, sleeping, or going to class, you should be fucking. Fucking often. Fucking hard. Fucking until your sex parts are numb and lifeless. Don't worry about rejection. Don't worry about reputation. Don't even worry about how ridiculous your penis/vagina looks (and sorry, but yes, he/she lied and it looks hilarious). Just fuck, often and indiscriminately. I'll tell you why: I've now been out of college for two years. I still know and talk to all the people I actually wanted to maintain contact with. However, I never see any of the people who I didn't fuck, for whatever reason, while at college. On a few occasions, I refused to take care of business for what seemed like coherent and well-founded reasons at the time. I now see them for what they were: times I wasn't, but should have been, fucking.

Believe me, no one was more shocked than I was that I even got opportunities. I wore cheap, ill-fitting clothing. I received ten-dollar haircuts. I read literature and philosophy and was always blathering on about some silly political stance or other that, two years later, I struggle to even remotely give a dick-toss about. I was poor. Ill-mannered. I smoked. I had the emotional depth and personal maturity of a can of salmon. If ever there was a candidate for the Lifetime No Fucking section, I was that candidate. I tell you these embarrassing truths for one reason: Even I managed to get laid at college. My head reels to think about how well people without the above character flaws were making out. Presumably like bandits.

I'm going to let you in on The Big Secret. I'm not supposed to, but here it is anyway: college students of America, the future is a bitter, desolate wasteland entirely bereft of hope. The world you know now — where single, attractive people with nice teeth and intelligent things to say mingle by the thousands; where today's only responsibility is to attend a three hour lecture and type out an essay about T.S. Elliot — does not exist out here.

Out here, nobody gives a shit about T.S. Elliot, and we certainly don't care about your postmodern feminist take on his poems. Out here we're burdened with responsibilities, bills, jobs, concessions. We find ourselves with less time on our hands, and we spend what little time we do have going to places we don't like, in a desperate attempt to meet single people our own age.

The second you leave college, you will get older. Your dating pool, too, will age - rapidly, unmercifully, like Dorian Gray's portrait. Your current goal of nailing that nineteen-year-old frosh / taming that brutish quarterback into submission will become progressively more creepy-sounding / unrealistic as the years pass.

When you do fuck, that fucking will rarely be as special as the awkward, laughable sex you fumbled through in college. When you do fuck, more will be expected of you. Were you taking notes, all those years in college? Because this will be a test it would be unwise to cram for.

In short, my friends, enjoy the fuck-filled bounty that is college while you still have it. Get out there and have enormous amounts of sex. Fuck loudly. Fuck proudly. (Oh, and if you can, try to nail that nineteen-year-old first-year with the tight little package, so that I may live vicariously through you. Spare no details when you relate these stories to me.)

When you eventually do leave college - and you do have to eventually, because if you stay, you'll just be one of those people, and you'll become unfuckable anyway — do the smart thing and travel. Especially on a kibbutz. From what I gather from the people at work who've done that kind of thing, it too is a veritable sex-train. You could end up sneaking in another two fucktastic years under the radar if you play your cards right.

"But I'm not Jewish!" you note. Okay, next rule: Become Jewish. It's a decent enough religion, the clothes are tasteful, you get a lot more big-ticket household items at wholesale, and the kosher meals are actually inspected with greater care and tend to taste better.

Oh. And if you mix about a half cup of red wine, a half cup of Worcestershire sauce, a quarter cup of Soya sauce, and a tablespoon of salt into a container, pierce a thick steak with a fork, let it marinate for a day, then cook it on a barbecue — man, is that good eating.

This is the full extent of everything I know.