Dick Clarke: “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another hilarious episode of ‘Funniest Moments in Sitcom History’! Tonight we’ll take you through even MORE of those classic scenes that had us rolling in the aisles! The “break-up” episode of Cheers! the “abortion” episode of Roseanne! The “hitting” episode of I Love Lucy!"

Ed McMahan: “Ha ha! That’s right, Dick! If they tickled your funny bone once, you can be guaranteed we’ll snap up the rights and show it again and again until you’re sick of it!”

DC: “What do we have for the people at home tonight, Ed?”

EM: [picking up index card] “How about...the cat-eating scene from episode A-231 of ALF? Hey-ohhh!”

DC: “Let’s watch!” [they turn to a giant screen behind them, and camera zooms past them into screen]

Willy Tanner: “ALF? Where’s Lucky? Did you eat Lucky?”

ALF: “Ha! Willy, my man!”

Audience: [laughter]

Willy Tanner: [sputter sputter] “...youuuuuu…ATE...” [sputter] “...ourrrr...CAT?!”

Kate Tanner: “Wait, Willy! The cat was just behind the couch!”

Audience: [laughter]

Willy: “I’m sorry I ACCUSED you...ALF...”

ALF: “HA! Don’t even think about it!” [they hug]

Audience: “Awwww...”

[cut back to DC and EM]

EM: “Heyy-ohhh!”

DC: “That was very funny!”

EM: “Oh! That was good! And disgusting! Why would someone eat a cat? Ha ha!”

DC: “Ha ha! Actually, Ed, I think the premise is that he’s an alien, and that on his planet, they ALL eat cats. Ha ha!”

EM: “Ha ha! Ha! I don’t follow. ALF’s from another planet?”

[pause]

DC: [in lowered voice] “Of course he’s from another planet. He’s four feet tall and covered in fur, Ed.”

EM: [lowered voice] “I thought he was just – you know, deformed or something.”

DC: [lowered voice] “God no. Why would people laugh at a four foot tall deformed human?”

EM: [lowered voice] “I ... I don’t know. It’s kind of funny. He’s, you know..." [trailing off] "...deformed…”

[pause]

DC: “Ha ha! That ALF sure is ONE...FUNNY...CHARACTER!”

EM: “Ha ha! Heyyy-ohhh!”

DC: “And let me tell you what ELSE is funny, Ed!”

EM: “Deformed people?”

[pause]

DC: “No, Ed.” [getting revved up again] “This clip from the Cosby Show!”

EM: “Heyy-ohhhh!”

[camera zooms past hosts again into giant screen on wall]

[Off camera: “Deformed, you fucking idiot?” “I’m sorry, I panicked!” “How could you have worked with Carson?”]

[we see the Cosby Show set]

DC: [voice over] “In this classic scene, Theo has paid a friend to doctor his report card for him – from F’s to A’s! However, what he DOESN’T know is that Claire and Cliff Huxtable have already received a phone call at work about his grades!”

EM: [voice over] “So they already know he’s failed!”

DC: [voice over] “Yes, I think that was implied by what I said. Anyway, in the scene we’re about to see, Claire and Cliff try to worm the truth out of Theo, who’s given his report card to a friend to doctor!”

EM: [voice over] “But keep in mind they KNOW he’s FAILED already! Ha ha!”

[pause]

DC: [voice over] “I just don’t — I don’t understand you sometimes. Were you listening to me? I JUST got finished saying that.”

EM: “I was just trying to help, I just...”

DC: “Look, don’t bother, alright?” [revving up again] “Let’s sit back and watch!”

Theo: [entering room] “Hey guys.” [crossing to staircase] “bye guys.”

Audience: [laughter]

Cliff: “Theo! How is my BOY? Come and sit and talk with your family – who MISSES you so MUCH?”

Theo: “Hey, dad. What’s up?”

Cliff: “Theeeo – sometimes a man has to be honest about the things in his life, with the lying and the jazz and the school, do you hear what I am saying to YOU, my son?”

Theo: “Yeah, dad.” [crossing to stairs] “Well, bye.”

Audience: [laughter]

Claire: “Sit!”

Audience: [laughter]

[Theo sits]

Claire: “Theo, isn’t it report card day today?”

[Theo’s eyes get wide. Audience laughter.]

Theo: “Um. Normally, yes. But my homeroom teacher was... off sick today! Yeah! Anyway.” [crosses to staircase]

Claire: “That’s funny, Theo –“

Theo: [stops in tracks]

Audience: [laughter]

Claire: “Because I could have sworn I saw your homeroom teacher’s car in the parking lot when I drove by today.”

Theo: “Ohh, that’s right. I guess he WAS there today. Well, I guess he must have given it to me, but I forgot it in my locker. Well, bye, guys!” [crosses to staircase]

Audience: [laughter]

Cliff: “STOP!”

Audience: [laughter]

Cliff: “Boy, why is it when we are trying to have a conversation with yourself are you trying to LEAVE the ROOM, with the legs and the jazz?”

Theo: “I’ve got a lot of homework to do! That’s it!”

Claire: “Well, we should drive over to the school and get that report card from your locker.”

Theo: “But the school will be locked!”

Claire: “That’s okay. We’ll break in.”

Theo: [defeated] “Guys – I have a confession to make.”

Cliff: “I thought that you might.”

Audience: [laughter]

DC: [voice over] “Now, watch what happens next...”

[camera flips to producer with headset, who is making frantic gestures]

DC: “Uh oh! Looks like Bill’s noticed his producer’s trying to tell him something! Let’s watch!”

[Bill looks over to producer, confused]

Claire: “Theo, is there something you want to tell us about your report card?”

Theo: “Well – guys – remember how I told you guys I’d aced everything this semester?”

Producer: [mouthing words silently] “BILL...YOUR...SON...ENNIS...HAS...BEEN...KILLED...”

Cliff: [ashen faced]

DC: [voice over] “Ha ha ha! Looks like Bill’s got his hands full with THIS scene!”

Theo: “Well, I might have STRETCHED the truth a bit...”

Audience: [laughter]

[pause]

Claire: [whispering] “Bill – LINE!”

[Bill stares dumbfounded. Tear courses down face]

[pause]

Claire: [whispering] “BILL! LINE!”

Cliff: [deadpan] “Uh – how – how much is stretched? Oh God, Ennis..."

Theo: “Okay, maybe I BROKE the truth.”

Audience: [laughter]

Claire: “Well, the important thing is that you told us the TRUTH. Isn’t that right, Cliff?”

DC: [voice over] “Here it comes – watch Bill Cosby’s face very closely...”

Cliff: "Oh GOD, ENNIS!" [breaks into violent fit of loud sobbing]

[cut back to set with Dick Clarke and Ed McMahon]

DC: “Ha ha ha!”

EM: “Hey-ohhhhhh!”

DC: “That was funny. THAT... was funny!”

EM: “Very much so, sir!”

DC: “And you’ve got to hand it to Bill for being such a consummate professional. The show must go on.”

EM: “I – I don’t follow. The show must go on what?”

DC: “I don’t even believe you.”

EM: “I’m sorry, I’ve never heard that before!”

DC: “My friend, you are so fired.”

EM: “Is it a crime not to have heard of a –“

DC: “When we come back from commercial break, we’ll take a look at the set of Full House. It SHOULD be a normal scene – until a CERTAIN eldest daughter gets her first period on set – in white jeans!”

EM: “Heyyy-ohhh!”

EM: “Be right back!”

[cut to commercial]