[Opening credits close. Dick Clarke enters through curtain, skips out to centre stage to raucous applause]

DC: "Hello, ladies and gentlemen! And welcome to another unforgetable episode of "Funniest Moments in Sitcom History"! As always, I am your host — Dick Clarke!"

[audience applause]

"And, due both to an unbreakable ten year contract with NBC, and the relentless evil of Satan forcing his will upon myself and the rest of mankind, may I grudgingly present my partner — two hundred and sixty pounds of shit in a bag!"

[pause]

"Who you might also know as Ed McMahon!"

EM: [off-stage] "Hey-OHHHH!" [sound of brisk jogging, interrupted by loud tripping noise, clattering] "Son of a—" [sounds of more clattering] "Get it off! Get the chair off my leg!" [sound of soft crying, followed by sounds of several pairs of feet running towards crying noise, sounds of pulling and grunting] "Ahh! Oh, Jesus! Ahhhh! Chair!"

[cut back to Dick Clarke with pained grin on face. Ed McMahon limps gamely out to centre stage]

EM: "Ha ha! There's more chair backstage — than there used to be. Whooo." [rubbing knee] "Maybe the — maybe the chairs backstage had —" [cough] "Had BABIES, Dick. Ha ha ha. Maybe they — had babies."

[pause]

DC: "Was that a joke?"

EM: "Yes."

DC: "How could you get this far in — were you fellating Carson?"

EM: "That's hardly fair, Dick. You know—"

DC: "No, it's a simple question, and I'm dead serious."

EM: "No, I never fellated Carson."

DC: "Did he ever fellate you?"

EM: "Yes."

[pause; both notice audience]

DC: "Folks, welcome back to another comedy-packed show! Tonight we'll show you all the classic bits you've been clamoring to see, clawing frantically at one another just to capture the merest glimpse of, gouging skin, drawing blood, all in a frantic mindless death rage to see these clips! And we're going to show them to you!"

EM: "Hey-OHHHH!"

DC: "How about THESE classics? Like the classic episode of 'Cheers,' where one of Carla Tortelli's dangerously sagging breasts finally goes rogue, snapping its bra strap and jackknifing into Norm's eye? How about episode R-223 of 'Diff'rent Strokes,' where everyone unanimously agrees to despise Gary Coleman? Or episode 466 of 'Golden Girls,' where, mid-scene, and to the horrified confusion of crew and audience alike, bats fly out of Blanche's vagina?"

EM: "Shocking and even disturbing!"

DC: "You said it, Ed! And don't forget funny with a capital F!"

EM: "Funnier than THAT, Dick! Funny with a capital T! Ha ha ha!"

[pause]

DC: "I…"

EM: "I'M NOT HIGH!"

[pause]

DC: [making conscious decision to ignore Ed] "But first, let's take a trip down Memory Lane, to episode 4FF-T of 'Designing Women.' I'm sure you'll all remember this classic episode! And if you don't, you will in a few minutes!"

EM: "Unless you have an exceptionally bad memory!"

DC: "Or you're a retard like Ed!"

EM: "Ha ha ha! That's right!"

DC: "It's — you're not even paying attention..."

[cut to 'Designing Women' episode]

DC: [voice over] "In this now classic blooper reel, Annie Pott's character admits to taking some of the group's business capital to buy a new dress — for a blind date! The scene is already rampant with hilarity, but it gets even FUNNIER when things don't go as planned. Let's watch!"

Annie Potts: "Well, listen, everybody — I have a confession to make."

The Fat One: [eating ham] "Oh, honey, what is it? You can tell us!"

The Brittle Man-like One: "That's true. We've been friends forever, and we'll BE friends for ever, or my hands aren't suspiciously large."

The Forgettable Blonde One: [unintelligible]

DC: [voice over] "Wait for it… Waaaait for it..."

Annie Potts: "Oh, girls, you're right. Our friendship IS worth more than a silly ol' secret anyway. Alright, you remember how I had that blind date last night?"

The Brittle Man-like One: "As clearly as my protruding Adam's apple!"

The Fat One: [guzzling Texas mickey of solidified beef gravy] "How'd it go?"

DC: [voice over] "Here it comes. Watch Annie's face closely on this blooper..."

Annie Potts: "Oh, it went well." [shamed] "But I suppose I should tell you WHY it went well."

[large baseball-sized clot of diarhhea falls out the bottom of Annie's skirt, splatting to the hardwood floor between her legs]

Annie Potts: "Oh. I. Ha ha ha! I can't believe I..." [cupping mouth with hands, shaking with laughter] "Is that mine? Ohhhh, lord! Ha ha ha!"

[audience and cast burst into laughter]

DC: [voice over] "Now that the 'crap's' out of the bag, no one can contain themselves, they're laughing so hard! And you know what they say about bloopers — once the ball's rolling...!"

Brittle Man-like One: "Ha ha ha! Ohhhhh God! Oh! Ha ha ha!"

Annie Potts: [laughing uncontrollably] "I'm sorry! Ah ha ha ha! I — I've ruined the ha ha ha!"

[penis flops out of Brittle Man-Like One's skirt; audience laughter]

Brittle Man-like One: "Ah ha ha! Look what you made me do! Laughing so hard! Ha ha!"

Fat One: "Ha ha ha! You all are CRAZY!"

[blood shoots out of Fat One's eyes in two long steady streams of gore; audience laughter]

Fat One: "My eyes! My eyes!"

Forgettable Blonde One: "Ha ha ha! Ohhhh, Mercy." [talking to someone off camera] "Can we do this again? Should we... what? Oh, we're going to mop up the blood and feces first? Oh, okay. I just — no, it's fine."

[heard off camera] "Ten minutes, everyone!"

[cut back to centre stage. Dick Clarke sits in comfortable director's chair. Ed McMahon is noticeably absent]

DC: "Ha ha ha! Wasn't that an absolute GEM? I thought so. Up next is a new segment for the show, where—"

EM: [trundling out from behind curtain with white powder caked around rim of nose] "Ugh. Heyy... oohh..."

DC: "Nice of you to join us, Ed."

EM: "Get off my back, alright, Clarke? I will make widows of your children."

DC: "I — what?"

EM: "Mayyy-ohhhhm!"

DC: "Your face is bright purple. Are you..."

EM: "No, I'm fine. Don't worry, I..."

DC: "Are you sure? You look horrible, Ed."

EM: [sitting down in adjacent chair] "No, really. Fine. Let's do this motherfucker." [noticing urine stain on pants; trying to rub it out with saliva-coated thumb]

DC: [turning to audience] "For our next segment, Ed and I have decided to try something a little different, and give you a little rapid-fire back-and-forth of our favourite moments over the many decades of classic moments in sitcom history. Isn't that right, Ed?"

EM: "I — yes. That's right."

DC: "And even though some of us don't show up for rehearsal, some of us certainly do. Some of us even bother to take the time to come up with new innovative segments for the show, while others of us choose to sit backstage in a sweaty downward spiral, vacuuming up veritable truckloads of the white lady. Some of us, consequently, are prepared for the next segment, while others of us are Ed McMahon."

EM: [confused] "That's — right, Ed."

DC: "And now, may we present..." [music cues] "Dick and Ed look back at Fifty Years of Sitcom Gold! Ed, why don't you start?"

EM: [frantically] "NO!"

DC: "Okay, why don't I start, then." [behind DC, viewscreen shows picture of Alan Alda] "Now, no retrospective would be complete without mentioning M*A*S*H, easily one of the most influential and moving sitcoms in history. Many don't know that M*A*S*H the show actually lasted longer than the Korean War itself! Ha ha! But we certainly didn't mind, as we tuned in each and every week to laugh, love and cry with Hawkeye, Big Ass Hallihan and Klinger. Ed?"

EM: "Uh. I love — it when TV — is on... and then—" [picture of John Ritter shows on viewsceen behind Ed] "And — and then this guy showed up — and that was... GOOD… but — never touched her, I never — HE had his hands all over her, and I — just one more fix, I promise, end of the week,
you'll — I can't even — red smarties — blue diamonds — yellowleaf clover — don't you steal my Lucky Charms, Ed McMahon, but — why can't I just come once, it won't even — like the TV when it buzzes and — good."

[pause]

"Dick?"

DC: "We all remember a loveable lout who called the world Meathead and meant it..." [picture of Carol Carolyn] "Archie Bunker was a filthy-mouthed racist ass. And white people loved him and thought it was funny when he bit a cigar and hated blacks and jews. Blacks naturally hated him, as did the mysterious Chinese. But whites loved him. And he hated the Chinese. And liked meatheads. So whites hate the Chinese. Ed?"

EM: "Watch my erection!" [picture of Belki and Cousin Larry show up on viewscreen behind EM] "Watch it!"

[five minutes of dead silence]

"There! Did you see?"

DC: "We're going to have to cut for commercial break. When we come back: Mona hits menopause with the resounding force of an airline crash on 'Who's The Boss?' Plus, never-before-seen footage of a post 'Wonder Years' Fred Savage being belittled mercilessly by a crudely drawn smiling man with a talking phallus! All this and Ed's erection when we return to... Funniest Moments in Sitcom History!"

[cut to commercial]