INT. AN OFFICE IN HELL - HELL

A DEMON sits at a desk, shuffling papers. He is dressed in FULL DEVIL GETUP — horns, red tights, trident and cape.

There is a KNOCK, and an underling pops his HEAD in. A BEDRAGGLED-LOOKING MAN follows behind, his clothes tattered.

UNDERLING
Mister Wormwood?

MR. WORMWOOD looks up and notices him.

WORMWOOD
Ah. Ashpacker. Come in.

ASHPACKER
I've brought the prisoner, sir.

WORMWOOD
Excellent. Bring him in.

He turns his attention to the PRISONER. Ashpacker leaves.

WORMWOOD (CONT'D)
Sit down, prisoner.

He does.

WORMWOOD (CONT'D)
My name is Mister Wormwood. Vice
President in charge of Acquisitions, Hell
Enterprises. And of course, we both know
who you are.

PRISONER
(shrugging)
I suppose.

WORMWOOD
I'll get to the point. Every so often we
like to check in with our more... valued
acquisitions. And you haven't been up for
review in... let's see...

He opens up a DUOTANG and looks through it.

WORMWOOD (CONT'D)
...two million years?

PRISONER
Five million.

WORMWOOD
Well! I'd say you're DUE, then! So,
Prisoner...
(he looks closer at paper)
...five nine nine eight two three five
dash A. How has Hell been? So far, I
mean. You know. Overall.

PRISONER
Um. Horrible.

Wormwood raises his head for a long GOOFY-SOUNDING evil laugh.

WORMWOOD
Yes. Yes. And the crows peck at your
eyeballs every...
(he checks the duotang again)
...Monday, nine o'clock?

PRISONER
Yes, sir. Like clockwork.

WORMWOOD
(making check in duotang)
Excellent, excellent. And what about the
white-hot charcoal briquettes? Are they
being inserted into your anus with a
maximum of difficulty?

The prisoner mulls this over.

PRISONER
Yeah, kind of.

Wormwood enjoys another GOOFY-SOUNDING evil laugh.

WORMWOOD
Delicious! What about Andy Dick? Can I
assume he accompanies you to the bathroom
at all times?

PRISONER
Yes, sir. It's... very aggravating. He
just stands there and stares the whole
time.

WORMWOOD
(making another checkmark)
Excellent. Well, prisoner, everything
seems to be in order. We'll check in
again in another five million years, to
see if —

PRISONER
(interrupting)
I don't deserve this, you know.

WORMWOOD
(genuinely surprised)
Don't DESERVE it? My friend, I can think
of no one who deserves it MORE!

PRISONER
(shrugging)
I led a good life. I was kind to people.
Paid my taxes. Kind to the elderly. I
shouldn't be here.

WORMWOOD
But... you're Adolph Hitler.

PRISONER
I don't follow you.

WORMWOOD
(flabbergasted)
History's greatest monster?

ADOLPH HITLER
Me?

WORMWOOD
You ordered the death of millions of
innocent people. You instigated a world
war. Your atrocities are the worst in
recorded history. Surely this must be
ringing some bells.

ADOLPH HITLER
I didn't do anything like that. I was an
accountant.

WORMWOOD
(perplexed)
ADOLPH Hitler?

ADOLPH HITLER
Yep.

WORMWOOD
You died in 1945?

ADOLPH HITLER
No, 1927.

WORMWOOD
Adolph Lukas Hitler?

ADOLPH HITLER
Adolph Hans Hitler.

WORMWOOD
But that makes no sense. That means you —

A sudden SURPRISED JOLT as realization dawns.

WORMWOOD (CONT'D)
Would you excuse me for just a moment?

ADOLPH HITLER
Sure.

Wormwood exits, all SMILES. Adolph busies himself with his HANDS.

WORMWOOD (V.O.)
ASHPACKER!

ASHPACKER (V.O.)
Yes, sir?

WORMWOOD (V.O.)
We've been torturing the wrong goddamn
Hitler!

ASHPACKER (V.O.)
Are you sure, sir? He's German, and...

WORMWOOD (V.O.)
It's the wrong Hitler! Where the hell's
the — find the REAL Hitler, you
fucking...

Wormwood enters again.

WORMWOOD (CONT'D)
I'm back. Sorry about that. Just a few...
so you've been here, what, five million
years?

ADOLPH HITLER
More or less. You've been torturing me
for nothing, haven't you?

WORMWOOD
(breaking down)
I am SO sorry about all of this!
Listen, we'll get you up to Heaven as
soon as we can. If I could just get you
to sign a few forms abdicating us of
blame...

ADOLPH HITLER
I suppose my roommate Ted Stalin doesn't
deserve to be here either, then?

A beat.

WORMWOOD
Fucking... ASHPACKER!

He runs out of room.