the Lord demanded that His prophets solicit prostitutes
just to make a bad simile isn't explored. Perhaps He'd
misplaced His sock puppets.
is the first of the twelve "minor prophets" that make
up the back of the Old Testament Bible. (Don't let "minor prophets"
throw you, by the way. At first I thought it was a catty dig from
some die-hard Old Testament fanbase posting insults on internet
forums: "Hosea totally sold out after his first prophecy!"
"It's not about being a divine conduit for the will of God
anymore! It's about the money." Alas, it's not nearly
so interesting; it just means the prophecies are shorter.)
Book of Hosea chronicles the story of spoiler
the prophet Hosea. According to Hosea, the Lord
God comes to him with explicit instructions that he marry a prostitute.
No, really. Hosea speedily complies and shacks up with the prostitute
Gomer (presumably unrelated to the Pyle family), whoin a move
uncommon to the professionspits out a shitload of kids. Hosea
does his best with his new-car-smell harlot wife, buying her lots
of nice things and making love to her with regularity. Despite Hosea's
sex-and-purchase-based love strategy, though, she continues to harlot
around like it's going out of style.
several decades of faithless marriage between Hosea and village
bicycle Gomer, God reveals his reason for demanding all the hooker-sex
in the first place. The union, it turns out, makes for a perfect
metaphor for the Lord's relationship to Israel. In
forsaking their covenant by exploring other religions (golden calves,
Ba'al and whatnot), Isreal is like the faithless whore Gomer, and
God the exasperated spouse. You hussy, Israel.
the Lord felt it necessary to demand His prophets solicit prostitutes
simply to make a bad simile about false gods isn't explored with
any conviction. Perhaps He'd misplaced His sock puppets. Either
way, the remainder of the Book of Hosea has God continuingand
continuing, and, believe me, continuingHis argument
about the whole Isreal-whore thing. God hammers His point home,
then through the drywall, then out into the other room. Cliff's
Notes version: The Lord will sell us into captivity for our idolatrous,
sinning ways. He will punish us with judgment for our wicked disloyalty.
He will take back everything he gave us, strip us naked, lay waste
to our fig trees and watch as we die of thirst.*
Will God laugh with his hands atop his hips while we die? He doesn't
say, but judging from the tone here: most probably yes.
I had to sum up the Book of Hosea in a nutshell: watch your back,
Israel. God's a good damn cop, and you just pushed Him too
But that's not all! If you worship false gods now, the Lord will
also suffocate your children and grind their skulls to powder at
no extra cost!