While researching the Book of Hosea I read a lot of online essays by Christian scholars. I became sympathetic when I saw just how much these poor guys had to read between the lines with the Old Testament.

The problem is that modern Christianity takes its cues on morality from the New Testament, most of which is directly contradicted in the pages of the Old. You'll have OT God saying something indescribably awful, like: "Their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up (Hosea 13:16)." Now some poor Christian scholar has to run "I kill babies" through the New Testament decoder ring until he's able to come up with something like: "This passage is really God saying that he loves us, and that we must prepare ourselves for the coming of Christ."

It's hard to fault these guys for trying to knead a little New Testament sugar into the proceedings. After all, there's not a word about loving neighbors or God's love or even Christ in the OT—mostly just a lot of ranting about worshipping false gods being the last mistake you'll ever make, and one bitch gets turned to salt. As far as I could see, there's not even a single mention of Heaven in the Old Testament. Basically, you submit to God's will for your entire lifespan. Then you die. If you don't, he kills you. God is then flabbergasted and enraged when people start worshipping sex gods.

The Lord 's biggest marketing flaw—and most likely why he had to constantly threaten people against worshipping the competition—is that, let's face it, he's just such a fucking downer. Every time Israel took a moral nosedive, you could set your watch by the old bearded guy jogging in from the desert to let everyone know how pissed off God was. Where was God when Israel was ticking along like a Swiss watch? They were His chosen people, after all—there had to have been something there to commend them. Just once, would it have killed God to send a prophet into town with a little flattering encouragement?