A MAN sits alone in a room; he looks upper-class, with a TWEED JACKET and a PIPE. BOB enters through stage left.

BOB
Hey, guys, I'm here! I—

He looks around at the empty room in confusion. He then spots the man.

BOB (CONT'D)
who are you?

MAN
Bob, hello. I'm Dr. Ashworth. Please…
come in. Sit down.

BOB
What is this? Where is everybody? I
thought—

DR. ASHCROFT
I do apologize, Bob. I'm afraid we had to
tell you a … little white lie to get you
here.

BOB
(holding up box)
We were gonna play Scattergories.

DR. ASHCROFT
Please be calm, Bob. This is an
intervention. Your friends are very
worried about you. They CARE, Bob.

A pause.

BOB
Where ARE my friends?

DR. ASHCROFT
(checking watch)
Ah. Actually, I was wondering about that
myself. I said three thirty, I don't…

He trails off. This news sinks in with Bob.

BOB
My friends didn't show up for my
intervention?!

DR. ASHCROFT
Bob, please, calm down. It's not unusual
for friends to not bother...
SHOWING UP for an intervention. It
happens all the time.

BOB
(somewhat pacified)
Really?

DR. ASHCROFT
(leading Bob calmly to
centrestage by shoulders)
If that gets you through the night, sure.
If I could just sit you down over here…

JERRY enters through stage left.

JERRY
Hey, sorry, am I late?

BOB races over to Jerry.

BOB
Jerry! You showed up! You care!

JERRY
(haltingly, insincere)
Hey… man… you know… I'm here…for you,
buddy.

He trails off. To Dr. Ashworth:

I was told there would be free
cigarettes?

Dr Ashcroft nods at the memory, and hands Jerry a CARTON OF SMOKES. He then leads Bob to a chair at centre stage.

DR. ASHCROFT
Let's get started, shall we? Bob, please,
sit. I want you to know that we're doing
this because we care for you, very
deeply. Your friends are worried about
you, Bob. They're deeply concerned.

Dr. Ashcroft and Jerry stand at either side of Bob, who is seated — Dr. Ashcroft down on one knee, reassuring Bob, Jerry standing around looking into space, bored.

BOB
Listen, I — I know I have a drink now and
then, but — but I can quit whenever I
want to! Alcohol doesn't own me! I don't
have a problem! I would know if I had a
problem. I — oh, it's all a lie!

Bob begins LOUDLY SOBBING.

DR. ASHCROFT
This isn't about your drinking, Bob.

BOB
It isn't?

DR. ASHCROFT
No.

BOB
Saps.

Bob pulls a CAN OF BEER and GUZZLES it.

DR. ASHCROFT
Bob, we've called you here today to
discuss a greater problem. There's no
easy way to say this, so… I'll just come
right out and say it. Bob… you're an
idiot.

BOB
(burping loudly)
What?

JERRY
(maudlin)
It's true, Bob. You're a… total moron. We
just never knew how to say it.

BOB
This is crazy! I'd know if I was an
idiot!

DR ASHCROFT
Well, no, Bob, that's sort of the point.
You're far too stupid to realize what a
slack-jawed, thick-skulled jackass you
are. You just live out your days in
blissful ignorance. Cutting off people in
traffic. Standing still on the left lane
of an escalator. Holding up lines while
you haggle over the amount of ice in your
Coke.

JERRY
Breathing through your mouth.
Accidentally clubbing yourself in the
testicles with your briefcase. Shitting
your pants. Eating things you find.
Tripping down flights of stairs. While
shitting your pants.

BOB
I don't see what me tripping down a
flight of stairs while shitting my pants
has to do with being stupid.

JERRY
Do you remember when you stabbed yourself
in the liver with that pen, Bob?

BOB
My liver was itchy.

JERRY
Intelligent people don't stab themselves
with pens, Bob.

Bob looks to Dr. Ashcroft for confirmation. He SHAKES his head.

JERRY (CONT'D)
Or when I convinced you that the
government wanted you to pay an ass
wiping tax every time you went to the
bathroom? And that you should pay me so I
could give it to them?

BOB
(ashamed)
And I decided to save the money.

DR ASHCROFT
Exactly, Bob. And so we've decided to
help you.

He pulls out what looks like a complicated IRON.

BOB
That will make me smarter?

DR ASHCROFT
Yes, Bob. It will make you smarter beyond
your wildest dreams.

He moves it all over Bob. There is a THRUM-THRUM-THRUM noise.

DR ASHWORTH
There.

BOB
I… don't feel any smarter.

DR ASHWORTH
No, Bob. I lied. I just sterilized you
and gave you cancer.

BOB
Oh.

A pause.

BOB (CONT'D)
Hey, how come Jerry got free cigarettes
and I didn't?

FADE OUT