Never forget the "five W's" of successful reporting: What, Who, What, Who, and What.

The downfall of any reporter is unpreparedness; remember to watch pornography to near-excess, so that you will have plenty of porno-based nicknames available for political informants you meet in shadowy car parks.

When conducting interviews with informants regarding potentially upsetting topics, move gradually from the general to the specific as a way of easing them into the subject matter. For example, "What are you, some kind of pussy?" works as a general introductory query, while "What kind of pussy are you, anyway?" hones into specifics.

Human interest stories are often misleading; for instance, simply because you find it interesting, there is no guarantee anyone else will even care how much gasoline you can drink before blinding yourself.

Always conduct follow-up after a story breaks. Many of your sources will be distraught, and therefore susceptible to the idea of making out with you or even getting down to some dirty old sex.

When conducting an interview, your first instinct will be to talk instead of listen. This is because you are an insufferable loudmouth. Honestly, man — no one cares about your goddamn car.

Healthy relations with your co-workers can often be the deciding factor in a successful story. Try devoting a feature article flattering female staff on how unbelievably smoking their racks are. If possible, have follow-up healthy relations with them.

Avoid stereotyping. The only real differences between our many races are skin color. Skin color, laziness, the ability to slamdunk, and slanty eyes.

When following up on an explosive lead, patience is the key. Don't just run right out for victory sex with a prostitute, risking exposure to numerous STDs. Run background checks on your victory-sex prostitutes before giving it to them.

When interviewing children, remember to act cool. Kids always trust anyone willing to buy them beer.

Never distance yourself from a story. Be sensitive to the dangers your informants may face when talking to you. Invent as many stories as possible to minimize real-life tragedy.

Reflect often on the subject of journalistic integrity, and the many ways in which you refuse to let it apply to you.