Scene 6: After The Plane Crash

Amanda Kirby: "Dr. Grant, now that we're on the island, you have no choice but to help us find our son Billy!"

Dr. Grant: "I don't have to do anything. You lied to get me here. And now we're probably going to die here."

Paul Kirby: "Wait! Did you hear something?"

Velociraptor: [plunging out of brush] "SKREEEEEEE!"

Me: "Sweet fucking Jesus!" [runs away]

Scene 12: First Contact

Paul Kirby: [petting dinosaur] "It's — it's amazing. And it's an herbivore?"

Dr. Grant: "That's right, it's harmless." [looking ominously around] "Not like everything else here."

Me: [stumbling through brush] "Agh! What the hell's that?"

Dr. Grant: "Don't worry, it's harm—"

Me: "Sweet fucking Jesus!" [beats dinosaur to death with stick, runs away shrieking]

Scene 16: In The Birdcage

Dr. Grant: "If we can just cross this dilapidated bridge through this plunging chasm and not get killed by these pterodactyls circling overhead, we'll be fine."

Me: [crying softly]

Paul Kirby: "I don't like it — it's TOO easy. What's the catch, Grant?"

Dr. Grant: "The catch is the that the pterodactyls will probably go after your son Billy. He's smaller — they'll pick him first."

Amanda Kirby: [dramatically] "Well, we're not going to let that happen."

Dr. Grant: "No we're not. So here's the plan — we form a human shield around Billy and walk across the bridge agonizingly slowly. It's the only way."

Amanda Kirby: "So we're agreed. Jay, you should take point. You — Jay?"

Dr. Grant: "Where's Jay?"

Paul Kirby: "Where's Billy?"

Jay: [sprinting across bridge, holding Billy up in front of me]

Billy: "Mommmm!"

Jay: "Shut up, you bastard! You're only good for one swoop, then they'll come after ME!" [dramatically] "And I'm not going to let that happen."

Scene 22: King Of The Dinosaurs

T-Rex: "GGGggggggggggGGGGGgggggggggGGGgggggggGGG…"

Dr. Grant: "Okay. Everyone stay perfectly still, and—"

Jay: "Sweet fucking Jesus!" [sprints away]

Scene 30: The Chasm

Dr. Grant: "We've got to swing across the chasm! It's our only hope!"

Jay: "I hate this! I hate you! I hate dinosaurs!"

Dr. Grant: "Jay, pull yourself together! We're almost to the coast, and then we'll be safe!"

Jay: "Oh, bullshit! I only got one character development scene in this entire movie, remember? And it showed me being sneaky and evil!"

Dr. Grant: "Yes, I remember — you were grifting. So?"

Jay: "So that's the kiss of death, you ass! Look at your character development scenes: playing with a baby, donating food to orphans, putting that puppy's leg in a splint! You're guaranteed to reach the escape boat! I'm brontosaur bait!"

Dr. Grant: "Actually, the brontosaur is a gentle—"

Jay: "Shut your mouth before I fill it with leaves."

Dr. Grant: "Okay, fine. So you're marked for death. What do you suggest?"

Jay: "Well, hear me out here." [clubs Dr. Grant unconscious, ties him to body as human shield] "Alright, where's that fucking boat?"