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In April of 1993, the production executives at 20th Century Fox decided on a bold new strategy: they would make a movie that absolutely everyone would want to see. The film they would make would encapsulate the human experience entire, and would hold resonance for every single person in the world, regardless of the path their life had taken. Their accounting department assured them that such a movie, were it ever developed, could conceivably make all of the money in the world. By June the project was greenlighted. This only left the problem of discovering the universal truths of the human condition. They sent out feelers amongst the philosophical community, all of whom presumed they were kdding. One philosopher, smelling the opportunity to make a buck, wrote back. The results of that correspondence: ---------- To:
20th Century Fox Proposal #1: ·
I'm born. ---------- To:
Burt Pensel Status: REVISIONS NEEDED Committee Notes: lacks zing. Committee is of the mind that proposal does not encapsulate the "it" factor of the human condition. While the committee recognizes the necessity of following scientific method in researching the universal laws that govern humanity, we would remind you that there are investors to consider. Recommendations For Next Draft: committee feels more research should be given to other universal qualities of the human experience. Kenneth suggests commenting on the weather, which everyone has. Looking forward to next draft. ---------- To:
20th Century Fox Proposal #2: ·
I'm born. ---------- To:
Burt Pensel Status: REVISIONS NEEDED Committee Notes: while the committee recognizes the universality of damning God and fucking, respectively, we are of the mind that the swearing could be toned down. Otherwise, we feel that this is an excellent start. Brenda blueskied some ideas regarding relationships. We suggest you add a love interest. Recommendations For Next Draft: More on relationships. Less fucking and damning of God. ---------- To:
20th Century Fox Proposal #3: ·
I'm born. ---------- To:
Burt Pensel Status: REVISIONS NEEDED Committee Notes: the committee feels you're on the right track. Just a little more retooling, and we're confident you'll have nailed the universal quality of life. Recommendations For Next Draft: Maybe something about childhood? What about Jesus? The committee realizes that not everyone believes in Jesus, and wouldn't dream of suggesting you work him in somehow anyway, as this would compromise the universality of your results. However, we need not remind you that the majority of our investors are Christians. See what you can do! Plus, could you make it a little sexier? We'd like to capture the youth market. ---------- To:
20th Century Fox Proposal #4: ·
I'm born. ---------- To:
Burt Pensel Status: REVISIONS NEEDED Committee Notes: the committee was confused at first, since we could not find any explicit mention of Jesus. We think there might have been some crossed wires. Could you please make Jesus' role here more explicit, while still of course maintaining the universality of the human condition and taking into account those who may not believe in Christ? While we're on the topic, why not "I go to Heaven" or something similar? It's a good happy ending. Our investors would love that. Recommendations For Next Draft: Roger and Marcy felt the whole "childhood segueing into adulthood" aspect wasn't really brought out enough. Kenneth suggested that you might have made this intentionally obscure so as to take into account the deaths of children. We all found this a little depressing. While we of course sympathize that you are trying to make this as applicable to the universal human condition as possible, could you please change your proposal so that children do not die? Thanks. Plus, more sex. And swear more. We're trying to capture the youth market. ---------- To:
Burt Pensel To:
20th Century Fox Proposal #5: ·
I'm born. ---------- To:
Burt Pensel Status: REVISIONS NEEDED Committee Notes: alright, the committee roundtabled, and we think we've nailed the problem. Recommendations For Next Draft: More sex. Less swearing (we'd like to get PG-13). More Jesus. Could we throw in a fight scene? And let's get a twist ending. ---------- To:
20th Century Fox Proposal #6: ·
I'm born. ---------- To:
Burt Pensel Status: REVISIONS NEEDED Committee Notes: the committee is beginning to worry that we've lost the universality. Kenneth, for instance, tells me that his spin kicks are less than flawless. Marcy is confident that she is not a ghost. Recommendations For Next Draft: Can we trim it down a little? ---------- To:
20th Century Fox Proposal #7: ·
I'm born. ---------- To:
Burt Pensel Status: APPROVED |
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