some ways, I feel a little like that immortal literary hero Lordo Ringfellow. Just like I'm trying to muster the will to finish this sentence, so he too assembled his fellowship in the book "The Fellowship of Lordo Ringfellow": Samgams, his trusty sidekick; Gobbo Galfgab, the kindly magician; Strider Stepopolous, the noble talent scout; Grabby Groinloin, the raging cave-midget; and lithe Labbo Leg-of-Lamb, the spritely faggot archer.

Oh, the times they had! My favourite adventure of theirs was when they visited the Piles of Volvula, where Gobbo Galfgab sacrificed his life fighting the dread Leg of Many Foots. Luckily, the rest of the fellowship made it across the bridge in time to hack away its moorings, sending the Leg of Many Foots and Galfgab plummeting to their deaths, with Galfgab's last words echoing in the stony depths: "You assholes!"

Or when Lordo’s Uncle Bellow Bellyfellow gave him a ring made by the evil Saffron, and then he was chased all over the place by the Cloak-Ghosts from the land of Molehole! And the only ones with him were his friends Samgam, Pinniks and Trustlethwimble. Meanwhile, Saffron came back and is got the evil wizard Zoolathreeb to make a whole army of Oncs to get the "One ring to rill the rototills."

I was scared out of my wits in the chapter when Lordo, Samgam, Pinniks and Trustlethwimble get chased through the town of Breeb. Oh, those Cloak-Ghosts! Oh, how horrible were their wailing laments that whistled through the air and chilled the heart of Lordo: "Hey, Lordo, you should give us that ring, how about it?" And then Lordo bravely pulled out his trusty blade, Rustmagnet, shook it vigorously, stabbed Trustlethwimble in the chest and yelled "Take him instead, he's wounded!" And the Cloak-Ghosts were upon Trustlethwimble, and he was heard from no more, which was just fine with Lordo, as his name was hard to spell.

And the three remaining halfsies fled with Strider Stepopolous to Wepple Mop, and waited there at the top of that ancient ruin. And it seemed as if the Cloak-Ghosts would claim them, for they pounced upon Strider and the halfsies in the night, and were armed with large boards with bicycle chains wrapped around them. But then Strider Stepopolous rose to his full height, and the Cloak-Ghosts cowered before him, and Strider bellowed: "I'll be right back," and left, never to return.

And oh, how the halfsies trembled! Trembled, that is, until Lordo's great half-uncle on his mother's side, Dildo Dustbin, settled into the melee with a helicopter, flying the halfsies off to safety at the last minute — except for Pinniks, who didn't have the right change for the helicopter fare and was left to perish.

And then it was off to the Land of Faggot Archers in the helicopter, for meat and wine and much singing about their adventures, all of which were outright lies. "And then Pinniks and Trustlethwimble charged with Strider Stepopolous and ended their lives gloriously," Lordo sang.

"Where was this?" asked the doubtful Faggot Archers, who knew Strider Stepopolous, and wouldn't have believed he'd give up his seat on the bus to a dying woman, let alone charge at the Cloak-Ghosts."

Oh, somewhere over there," replied Lordo, waving vaguely to the West. "But enough about that stuff. Who wants to buy a ring that makes you invisible?" And many did, and Lordo pocketed two hundred and fifty dollars in Faggot Archer money.

But lo, what happened next! Lordo Ringfellow spent the money to arrange for a concert back home in the Shribe! The main act was Melrose Melrose Larry, the famous halfsie harpsichord player who played his hit song "Merry Elwas" 45 times! But all that noise alerted the Cloak-Ghosts, who rode their Pain-ponies to the Shribe and started eating all the Crispers! Lo and behold, who should show up but Galfgab, three sheets to the wind and shouting about someone stealing his corn. This was enough to scare off the Cloak-Ghosts, but not before they polished off all the White Zinfandel as well.

Well, this didn't sit well with Samgam or even the head halfsie, Loboslobos Villalobos; and they took Dildo Dustbin's helicopter, which they renamed a helio-copter, and they flew into the mouth of a whale, never to be seen again.

And there our story begins.

Continue on to Chapter 1: That Crazy Ring