Samgam's disappearance upset Lordo greatly. The Faggot Archers had returned the ring to him C.O.D. earlier that morning, and Lordo had intended to slip it into Samgam's pocket, ridding himself of two nuisances in one savvy play. It was bad enough that Lordo had to swallow the $50 deposit on the missing helio-copter — but Samgam leaving meant he'd run out of fall guys as well. Samgam had been Lordo's last hope to get rid of the ring, since he knew Samgam's family well. He had it in good confidence from Fellatio Dustbin on his mother's side that Samgam was the product of vast amounts of inbreeding, and would no doubt let Lordo tie the ring around his neck and push him in the direction of the Cloak-Ghosts, so long as Lordo gave him a digestible cookie for his troubles.

"Take your stupid ring back," read the letter from the Faggot Archers, to which the ring was hastily taped. "The evil Saffron was poking around our garden looking for it; trouble like his we don't need. The Cloak-Ghosts went all over the carpet. We're sending you the cleaning bill."

Luckily Galfgab was in the Shribe that week performing his magic show at Caesar's Palace, and so Lordo decided to consult with his good friend.

"Oh, you. Fuck off, Lordo," said his good friend Galfgab, slamming the door in Lordo's face and double-bolting it. Galfgab then sat down to a plateful of delicious ham sandwiches, and was furious when Lordo threw a brick through his window ten minutes later and toppled into his dressing room with all two hundred pounds of his rolling fat Halfsie girth.

"Galfgab, you old bastard!" yelled Lordo. "Want to buy a ring?"

"Like I was born yesterday," shooed Galfgab. "I was out skiing and playing canasta with the Faggot Archers on Saturday. They told me all about your ring and the Cloak-Ghosts."

"Damn it," said Lordo, pocketing Galfgab's watch when he wasn't looking. "I need a patsy to take this stupid thing off me quick."

"Galfgab, I got my hand stuck in a Mason jar again," said Strider Stepopolous, bursting into the room with his hand in a Mason jar. Galfgab carefully broke it with a hammer while Lordo showed Strider the ring.

"Pretty," said Strider.

"You bet," concurred Lordo. "Twenty dollars."

"Done!" said Strider, handing him five hundred dollars, which Lordo pocketed, rolling his eyes.

"There," said Galfgab to Lordo, as the Mason jar smashed. "Problem solved. And give me my watch back, you greasy little Halfsie."

Sadly, Lordo did not know what kind of trouble he had stirred up. For Strider was actually Beaucoup-Beaucoup, son of Argogoragoran, the man who had first tried to keep the one ring to ring the ring-dings back in the Battle of Oopsalot.

The Cloak-Ghosts chased after Strider and killed him, but then they felt bad, so they bought his family a wreath made entirely of poison oak. This disturbed Galfgab, so he called on Ambrip, the beautiful elfy, who found the ring hidden under one of the Cloak-Ghosts' doormats.

~ ~ ~

Meanwhile, the Cloak-Ghosts brought a small, gold object to Saffron. "Here is the ring," said one.

“You nitwit! This is a housekey!" shouted Saffron.

"Deadlydead's in TROUBLE!" chanted the other Cloak-Ghosts, and then they all ate Jello.

Back in the Shribe, a little, hunched over creature called Gorrlub was looking for the ring. He searched high and low, but because the ring was at a medium height, he couldn't find it.

Continue on to Chapter 2: The Mystical Bachelor Apartment of El Rondolo