next day, the ring came back to Lordo with a letter that said "Lordo Ringfellow! You have already won one million dollars!" Lordo read the letter, then went to sleep and woke up in the land of Goldifolds, the faggot archer, who told him never to wipe his mouth on his sleeve. Also, Goldifolds was allergic to peanuts.

Lordo stayed in the land of Goldifolds for many moons and many suns, but the ring hung heavy around his neck, and he knew he could not tarry long in that enchanted place. Specifically, he knew when Goldifolds pushed him out the door suddenly and yelled at him through the mailslot to take a hike.

"Saffron's been snooping around," she said, primly brushing some letters out of her mouth. "Besides, you're always bitching. We can't stand you. Your feet are huge and you always eat the last slice of pizza. It's not you, it's me. I'm just not ready for a relationship right now." Lordo told her in a soothing voice that he understood completely. "Come closer to the mailslot, that I might tell you a secret," he said while he threw a pointy rock through the mailslot at her.

From the Land of Goldifolds Lordo walked to the House of El Rondolo, the wisest of the Seven Immortal Spaniards. And there he settled for many moons and many suns, bitching all the time and eating all the last slices of pizza, until El Rondolo couldn't stand him anymore and immediately called a council. At the council he invited Galfgab, who was known throughout Muddle-Earth for his wisdom and card tricks; and the Faggot Archer Labbo Leg-of-Lamb, who was fleet of foot and near to El Rondolo's heart, and would creep to El Rondolo's study late at night to, as El Rondolo put it, "consult on the matter of the ring." Galfgab noted wisely that their consultations seemed to shake the paintings in his guestroom next door with increasing regularity, and El Rondolo told Galfgab that maybe he was a little too wise for his own good, and should stupid up a little if he didn't want a punch in the mouth. Last at the council was the cave-midget Grabby Groinloin, who was brick-stupid and entirely useless, except that El Rondolo figured Lordo might not take well to getting kicked out, and he wanted some cave-midget muscle if things got hairy.

"What's to be done about the ring?" asked El Rondolo at the Council.

"What's to be done? Shoo. Nothing's to be done. You worry too much," said Lordo, lounging on El Rondolo's couch in a housecoat, stuffing handfuls of Ring-Dings into his mouth while he watched General Hospital.

"On the contrary," said Galfgab wisely, for he was the wisest in the land, as he never tired of telling everyone. "Saffron has heard the name of Lordo Ringfellow Dustbin. He tarries not and comes, I hear, racing with his Cloak-Ghosts to reclaim what is his."

"Mffxxxllfdk?" said Lordo, his mouth full with the last slice of pizza, which Grabby Groinloin had been eyeing. Grabby scowled and went to the study to shoot billiards until he cooled down.

"There is great danger coming, Lordo," consulted El Rondolo.

"You've got thick walls," said Lordo.

"The Cloak-Ghosts are tireless and unyielding in their thirst for the ring, Lordo," advised Galfgab.

"It keeps them busy, I guess," demured Lordo.

"I want you out of my house, Lordo," admitted El Rondolo. Lordo wouldn't budge, and eventually had to be pried from the couch and forcibly ejected off the balcony.

"I name thee the Fellowship of Lordo Ringfellow!" called El Rondolo happily to the retreating backs of Lordo, Leg-of-Lamb, Grabby and Galfgab, whose head was spinning as to how he'd gotten roped into joining them.

Lordo called out his own name for El Rondolo, and his fellowship with other parts of his body. He then took a sizeable crap on El Rondolo's front lawn before heading out to the Minty Mountains.

"Good riddance," said El Rondolo, returning from the balcony just in time to catch the last ten minutes of General Hospital.

Continue on to Chapter 3: Shenanigans In The Mountains