“Well, that was fun,” said Strider Stepopolous. “Now, I nominate myself as new leader.”

Everyone had a good laugh at this, and Strider started crying, which everyone had an even better laugh at.

“It’s what Galfgab would have wanted!” said Strider through a flood of tears. “I’m Beaucoup-Beaucoup, son of Agragorbargojabob, the one who took the ring to ding the ringdings!”

“Who cares?” said Borgonium.

“Who’s Galfgab?” asked Labbo.

“What’s a ring?” asked Trustlethwimble.

“I pooped my pants,” admitted Samgam.

Eventually Strider dropped the matter and silently vowed to get revenge on everybody present. “We should try to make it to Mirky-Lurk Forest by nightfall,” he said sagely. “If you look closely, you can just see it, many leagues distant, in the east.” He pointed.

“What, you mean that forest right there?” asked Lordo, pointing at Mirky-Lurk Forest directly in front of them.

“I don’t have my contacts in,” backpedalled Strider.

“You don’t wear contacts,” said Lordo.

“Shut up,” said Strider, and they all clomped into the forest in silence. Within minutes, Strider had led them into a trap, and they all sat hanging in a giant net perched in a tree.

“Good one, Stepopolous,” cursed Borgonium.

“Who’s patting my butt?” shrieked Lordo.

“Sorry, I thought we were celebrating again,” said Labbo.

“Does anybody have an apple?” asked Grabby.

“My hands!” yelled Samgam.

“Fucking idiots,” muttered the Mirky-Lurk Elfies on the ground, shaking their heads.

The Mirky-Lurk elves poked and prodded the fellowship, threw eggs and old tires at them and finally stole their nipples before they lowered the net and freed them. When the net opened, in a clearing in the Mirky-Lurk Forest, up sat CP3P3P, rubbing his head in pain.

"Oh my goodness!" said CP3P3P, and in an instant, all the Mirky-Lurk elves were on their knees, bowing and chanting in their high-pitched voices.

"What are they saying, Goldenrod?" asked Strider.

"They seem to think I'm some sort of God, master Stepopoulos," replied CP3P3P. Sensing a threat to the power he wanted to have, Strider unfastened all the bolts on CP3P3P, broke him into tiny, metallic pieces and buried him in a ditch later that night.

The next day, they awoke to a sumptuous feast of apples and applesauce and apple crumble and apple pie and apple soup and apple-fried apples. Grabby was the first to the table, stuffing his shit-fat face and farting out slightly visible fumes. When a Mirky-Lurk elf accidentally handed him some peach cobbler, Grabby went slightly insane, broke out his straight razor and set to shaving all the trees in the Mirky-Lurk Forest.

"I...do...NOT...like...peaches! I...HATE...peaches!" he screamed over and over again for six days straight, much to the dismay of one Mirky-Lurk elf named Peaches who secretly thought he was cute.

The remainder of the stalwart friends met up with Oolaboola, queen of the Mirky-Lurk elves and she addressed them in turn.

"You are very brave," she said. "Very brave and very stupid. Very brave and very stupid and some of you are very well hung. I won't say who you are, but you can most definitely come see me tonight in Room 614 of the Mirky-Lurk Forest Days Inn, one who shall only be known as...Orgonium-Bay."

"Damn, that Orgonium-Bay is one lucky sumbitch," thought Borgonium, who thought Oolaboola was beautiful but who was unfortunately barely versed in English, let alone pig latin and therefore missed her hamfisted and bone obvious advances.

"You are all very good of heart, except for one. The one who will try to steal the Ring to Roll Out the Barrels and who I hope comes to my room and has sex with me," continued the queen.

"Someone ELSE is trying to steal the ring?" thought the ever-oblivious Borgonium. "I thought I was the only one."

"You ARE the only one, Borgonium," the ESP-gifted but now very frustrated queen said to him telepathically. "I'm talking to YOU, Borgonium. I want YOU to bang me senseless, you moron, Borgonium!"

"Man, I don't know who this Borgonium is, but he's totally lucky!" thought Borgonium as he chugged another tin of turpentine. "I wish that was MY name," and with that, he began eating his own foot.

"Fine," continued the queen. "Borgonium, you go ahead and eat your foot. The rest of you, protect the ring, blah blah blah, the end," and she stormed off to fire up her vibrator.

Apart from that, the time spent in the Mirky-Lurk Elf kingdom was splendid. The fellowship's wounds were healed by the elves, all except for Labbo, who got a Mirky-Lurk Elf whore to bite off his testicles in exchange for Trustlethwimble.

"It's a dream come true!" cried a delirious Labbo before passing out from pain and loss of blood only to wake up three days later coated in vomit, only a third of which, he estimated, was his own. He got up, shooed away the Mirky-Lurk teens who were engaged in a rousing game of "Puke on the Sissy" and set off to find the rest of the fellowship. Eventually, he found them, all standing in a circle, pissing on his blanket.

"Welcome back, Labbo!" shouted Borgonium, and as he turned to face the faggot-archer, he urinated into Lordo's mouth.

This annoyed Lordo, and he walked away, his trousers still very much undone. He walked for a time until he came to a clearing. Standing in the clearing was Oolaboola, queen of the Mirky-Lurk elves.

"Look into the mirror, Lordo and tell me what you see," she said. Lordo walked up to a giant mirror in the middle of the clearing and looked in.

"I've lost weight!" he exclaimed, ignoring the visions of fire and darkness surrounding his reflection.

"What else?" the queen pried.

"I need a haircut?" asked Lordo.

"No, no, no. The ring is surrounded by great evil. You are surrounded by great peril. The road ahead is long and dangerous," the queen told him.

"Where do you see that?" asked Lordo, as images of Satan danced around his reflection.

"Jesus fucking hell Christ," Oolaboola burst out. "You people are absolute idiots! If the fate of the world truly lies in your hands, we're all doomed! All of us!"

"Do you want the ring?" Lordo asked.

"HELLS YES!" shouted Oolaboola. She grabbed the ring and put it on and she and Lordo were married that very summer day in a lovely ceremony under the moonlight. Samgam was the best man and totally made out with Labbo, the maid of honour, and everyone got drunk, then piled into their cars and crashed into lampposts.

Continue on to Chapter 7: Love & Marriage