“Oh. Hi, Borgonium,” said Lordo, looking up. “Listen, can this wait? I want to go get Rob Scheiders’ autographs.”

“This won’t take a second,” said Borgonium, licking his lips in anticipation. “Listen Lordo, buddy, pal of mine, I’ve been thinking. You seem like a smart guy.” He looked down at Lordo, who was busy shoving caterpillars into his mouth.

“And you could be even smarter with this handsome bound set of encyclopedias,” he carried on, producing a fat book from his briefcase. “Just look at all that information! It’s got everything in here from Aragornonojobob to Zoolathreeb!”

“I can’t read,” confessed Lordo, grabbing a stick from the ground and poking himself in the eye. Borgonium pulled out a book marked “R” and flipped to the page marked “Reading.”

“Now you can, with this handy book!” he enthused.

“Wow!” agreed Lordo, much impressed. “How much?”

“Just one ring of power!” tried Borgonium.

“That sounds fair – hey, wait a minute,” said Lordo, suspicious. “What do you want with the ring of power?”

Borgonium sighed. “I’ll level with you, Lordo. My mother’s dying.”

“So?” shrugged Lordo.

“Oh,” said Borgonium, taken aback. “Alright, I’ll really level with you, then. My land, Minus Genepuddle, is under constant attack from the Ornt hordes of Mole-hole. If I were to return with the ring of power – hoo boy!” he finished, thrusting his fists in the air and dancing around.

“The ring isn’t actually very powerful,” admitted Lordo. “All it does is turn you invisible.”

“But just think, Lordo! An entire army of invisible soldiers! We’d be unstoppable!” Borogonium frothed at the mouth.

“No, no, no, you’re not listening,” said Lordo patiently. “It just makes YOU invisible.”

“Oh,” said Borgonium, deflated. “Well, just think, then! A VISIBLE army of warriors, led by an INVISIBLE captain! Yes guy! Hoo lordy! I – okay, that actually is just stupid.” Borgonium sagged. “No, you’re right, the ring’s pretty useless.” He walked off in a pout.

“What a dolt,” said Lordo, before realizing he’d just flubbed a chance to pawn off the ring on someone. “Fuck!” he yelled, spinning around. “Borgonium, come back! I forgot to tell you! It also shoots lasers! And it makes you fifty feet tall! Hello?” Running fast to catch up with Borgonium, he stumbled over Samgam, who was lying on the ground covering himself with leaves.

“Samgam!” said Lordo. “What the hell are you doing, you fat retard?”

“Oh, hello, Mister Lordo,” said Samgam pleasantly. “The Rob Schneiders turned out to be Cloak-Ghosts, and they summoned a host of Ornt warriors, and everyone’s being slaughtered.” Sure enough, Lordo heard the clanging of swords in the distance, mingled with Strider’s girlish shrieks. “I was just hiding myself with leaves until the fight was over,” finished Samgam.

“I’ve got a better idea,” said Lordo suddenly. “What say you and me hightail it back to the Shribe and pretend none of this stupid business ever happened?”

Samgam’s face perked up, and a fat globule of snot expelled itself from his nostril. “Oh, Mister Lordo! That’s a wonderful idea!” Lordo helped Samgam up, and they looked around them. “Which way is it back to the Shribe, do you think?”

“Well,” reasoned Lordo. “We were heading East towards Mole-hole that way,” he said, pointing to the West, where the Shribe was visible in the distance. “So that means our home is to the West, back THAT way,” he concluded, pointing to a blood-red sky with purple thunder arcing down to meet several pitch-black volcanoes and one hundred foot pyres of evil-looking statues.

“Well, let’s not waste any time then, Mister Lordo!” said Samgam. “To the Shribe!”

“To the Shribe!” hollered Lordo, attracting the attention of several nearby Ornts, who ran towards them. “And fast,” he added, sprinting away with Samgam at top speed.

Meanwhile, Borgonium arrived on the scene just as Trustlethwimble was being led away by Ornts. “I’ll save you!” he yelled, running forward, tripping on a branch, cracking his skull off a rock, and settling dead to the ground. Nearby, Strider, Grabby and Labbo were busy taking on wave after wave of Ornts.

"Fight!" shouted Grabby.

"Fight!" concurred Labbo.

"Fight!" chimed in Strider.

Grabby plunged his axe into dozens of the evil beast-men, Labbo fired his bow and struck down several dozen more and Strider, who often confused the terms "fight" and "run", ran away from them in circles around a tree until the Ornts all got dizzy and needed to sit down for a while.

Down by the Tickety-Boo River, Lordo and Samgam were waddling fatly toward a nearby boathouse, and set to work at stealing an unguarded rowboat. Lordo stepped in first and the mast sank halfway into the water.

"Push, Samgam! Push you mildly retarded little piece of piss!" encouraged Lordo and Samgam pushed the boat into the water. Samgam pushed and the boat was asail. He set one foot in the foot when Lordo cried, "No! Push! PUUUUUUSH, you ass! I didn't say 'get in'! I said PUSH!" and Samgam, who was far more loyal than he was smart, went out and tried to push again but this time the water was over his head and he sank, his 40-pound halfsie feet weighing him down.

"Yesss!" shouted Lordo, victoriously as he threw rock after rock at Samgam as the latter disappeared quickly into the murky depths.

Luckily for Samgam, all the rocks Lordo was throwing at him piled up at the bottom of the Tickety-Boo and soon Samgam was able to stand on the large pile of rocks and breathe the air.

"No! No no no!" screamed Lordo, whipping a particularly sharp rock at Samgam's skull. "Nonononononononononononono!"

"Oh, Mister Lordo, you've saved me!" said Samgam, showing off all the short-term memory of a Cocker Spaniel with Down's syndrome. Samgam then grabbed the boat and clambered in just in time to dodge the boulder that Lordo had heaved at him. The boat continued on its way across the Tickety-Boo River, rocking ever so gently from the force of the brutal shoe-beating Lordo was inflicting on his trusty sidekick.

Back on the shore, Grabby, Labbo and Strider had defeated the wicked army of Ornts. As Grabby licked his wounds, Labbo took the opportunity to stick his hand up his own anus up to the elbow, a trick he'd been meaning to try ever since he noticed that the Mirky-Lurk elves had a tendency to do that, as that was where they found their apples. When, instead of an apple, he pulled out a kidney, he quickly gave up on that particular quest. Strider, through all this, was patting down the Ornts, looking for condoms since he'd decided that, man or woman, he wasn't going to sleep with Glorndmindle without protection until his elfy-love had been tested.

Strider went from Ornt to Ornt, until he came upon a familiar figure. Borgonium was lying, head impaled, on a rock.

"Borgonium!" shouted Strider, cradling his fallen comrade's bloodied head in his right arm while using his left hand to pat down the dying swordsman for condoms.

Borgonium looked up at Strider and croaked, "Do me a favour, Grabby -"

"Strider," corrected Strider.

"I'm not Strider," Borgonium tried to help.

"No, I'M Strider," Strider snapped impatiently.

"Look, when you see Strider, tell him to tell my people that I fought well and died valiantly," moaned Borgonium.

"Whatever," replied Strider, for he'd found a wrapped Durex Shiek in one of Borgonium's pockets and was no longer really paying attention. He stood up, dropping Borgonium's head on the jagged rock terrain, and rejoined Grabby and Labbo on the beach.

"There go Samgam and Lordo," said Grabby, pointing to a boat in the distance where one figure was clearly strangling another.

"Should we go after them?" asked Labbo, trying in vain to shove his entrails back into his now-loosened-beyond-belief sphincter.

"No, no. They'll be fine. I'm sure of it," lied Strider, who had spent a good couple of days throughout the quest putting up posters when the other members of the fellowship weren't looking, offering a handsome reward for Lordo's severed head.

"Should we keep looking for Ornts and killing them?" asked Grabby.

"Nah. I saw an Arby's back there a little ways. Let's go get some roast beef sandwiches," Strider replied. When the others looked at him cynically, he was quick to add, "I'm buying," and suddenly everyone was happy. The three skipped off arm-in-arm, toward the Arby's.

"Hey, where's Borgonium?" Labbo piped up.

"I think he's gonna meet us there," said Strider.

~ ~ ~

Samgam and Lordo reached the other side of the Tickety-Boo and disembarked from their boat. They managed to drag their fat forms up a hill and were soon on a rocky outcropping overlooking the swirling dragons and fiery pits of Molehole.

"Home sweet home," said Samgam, pointing at the sun.

"I'm glad you're here with me, Samgam Gamalamma," said Lordo.

"I'm not," confessed Samgam.

"No. No, me neither," admitted Lordo, and he slipped an apple he'd stolen from the Mirky Lurk Forest into a stocking and quickly set to beating his friend about the head and neck with it.

Continue on to Epilogue