The Book of Malachi

 

You've got to hand it to Malachi—the guy's got balls. Not only does he claim to channel the very word of the Lord; by the end of the first paragraph he's speaking for all of us too. The Book of Malachi offers us a back-and-forth dialogue between God and us, with Malachi subbing in the questions he assumes we'd ask. It reads a lot like if you were getting chewed out by the school principal, except every time it was your turn to talk, the retarded kid who got graded by putting Cokes in the Coke machine answered for you.

If I'd been given an audience with God, I'd like to think I'd make some small talk first before I lubed up any fastballs. "You look absolutely exhausted," I might say, or "That glowing robe has a really slimming effect on you."

Everything Malachi puts in our mouths is total character assassination. God enters the chat with "I have loved you," which seems nice of Him and a strong conversational opener. According to Malachi, you respond by getting all up in God's face, asking: "How have you loved us?"

You honestly want to slap Malachi for misrepresenting you so horribly. If I'd been given an audience with God, I'd like to think I'd make some small talk first before I lubed up any fastballs. "You look absolutely exhausted," I might say, or "That glowing robe has a really slimming effect on you." I doubt my first words to the Lord would be "I know you used to do shit for me, but what have you done for me lately?", is my point. It's God, fuckstick. He just told you He loves you a whole bunch. At least wait till the poor bastard sits down before you start cross-examining Him like Matlock.

God bristles a little, understandably, then answers by proving His love for us. Given that this is the Old Testament, though, God proves said love for us in the most convoluted and insane way possible. God's proof of loving us, it seems, is because He loves Jacob but hates Esau. It's not entirely clear how that's relevant.

God goes on to explain that His profound hatred for Esau led Him to make his lands "a desolation, and his heritage a desert of jackals." Nice choice of words for God, really. As is typical of the Old Testament, God gets a little carried away explaining precisely how He intends to fuck up this milksop Esau for crossing him, and we get a lengthy section of the Lord laying out the many awesome ways in which He'll make sure Esau regrets the day he ever heard the name God.

At this point, you might be thinking this is less about God loving you, per se, and more about God really hating this Esau guy. Keep in mind Esau might be a fresh wound for him. You let it slide and nod.

God rounds out His speech against all things Esau by explaining that a son must honor his father; and since He's the father of everything, He should thus get honor and respect squared. He's still skirting the whole "How have you loved us?" issue, though my guess is He's still just steamed that you jumped on Him about loving you the second He got through the door (thanks, Malachi). This is His way of saying, "You know what, maybe fuck me loving you. Why don't you love me a little, huh, asshole?" Note for next time: ask about God's day first, then openly challenge His love for you.

 

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