God spends the majority of the Book of Malachi getting a big head of steam on for all the people who don't have the time to worship the absolute hell out of Him. With no offense to the guy, He seems to hammer on this one nail an awful lot, and it's not a terribly attractive character trait. You sort of want to take the poor schlub aside and offer him some pointers: "Guy, chicks dig confidence."

After five pages of God getting little bits of spittle on his lip telling you the incredible number of ways He intends to destroy you for not worshipping Him, you can't help but conclude He could've trimmed the Bible in half if He'd just hired a better PR guy. Nike didn't get their market share by saying they'd give ass boils to anyone who didn't buy their shoes: they hired Michael Jordan and had him make slam dunks and yell "Nike cures cancer". God's a bit of a tool when it comes to self-promotion, it turns out. If it hadn't been for getting Jesus to product place for Him, I doubt He'd have lasted past 100 AD.

There's probably a good reason the Book of Malachi got shuffled to the absolute back of the Bible—they've got him after the index in some versions, right before the author blurb. If you're willing to take Malachi at face value, God came down from the heavens to dictate wisdom that humanity could study for centuries, but somehow got hilariously sidetracked and spent His alloted five minutes remembering how much He hated some guy named Esau before telling us all to worship Him or He'd beat on us like a tambourine.

Saner heads might suggest it wasn't God with the raging hate-erection for Esau, but rather Malachi himself, who probably got one too many bags of leaves upended in his yard, then decided getting what a colossal penis his neighbor was etched into the Bible was more important than God's message to His people.

You have wearied the Lord with your words," says God at one point. You can almost imagine Him clutching the bridge of His nose here. If there's one thing you can take away from the Book of Malachi, it's this: stop bugging God. He's not your fucking hotline. If you're going to act like a dick all day, don't waste the brother's time. God's got better things to do than listen to your bullshit.

Also, if you've got a sick goat and a healthy goat, sacrifice the healthy one, or God is going to absolutely beat your ass sore. Getting divorced? Watch out. He's not huge on that either.

"I will rebuke your offerings,
then spread dung on your faces." (Malachi 2:3)