TIMMY, a young boy, runs into his bedroom, a PAPER BAG tucked under his arm. Anxiously, he sits down in the middle of the room, undoes his PANTS, and pulls them to the floor.

He opens the paper bag, and lifts out several PORNO MAGAZINES.

Looking around guiltily, he opens one of the magazines.

Suddenly, a VOICE:

VOICE (V.O.)
Timmy!

Timmy looks around in a panic. Finally he looks upward.

TIMMY
God?

GOD (V.O.)
What... the HELL... are you doing?

Timmy spills the magazines all over the floor in his hurry to pull his pants up.

TIMMY
Nothing! I wasn't doing anything!

GOD (V.O.)
(suspiciously)
Timmy... were you MASTURBATING?

TIMMY
(Mock indignant)
What? No!

GOD (V.O.)
Timmy...

TIMMY
I was gonna... masturbate a little...

GOD (V.O.)
Timmy, you know what I think about
defiling yourself. That's why I watch
children everywhere masturbate. I watch
every second of it, but I hate every
second too.

TIMMY
I'm sorry.

GOD (V.O.)
Hang on. Let me come down there.

Sounds of thumping and moving around. GOD enters in a toga.

GOD
Hello, Timmy.

TIMMY
I didn't mean to, God. I just -- I'm so
confused. I get these weird feelings, and
I just figured maybe... I don't know...

GOD
You figured you should stimulate the head
of your penis until you ejaculated?
That's never the answer, Timmy. The good
book says that sex is wrong, but also
that touching yourself is wrong too.

TIMMY
I just don't...

GOD
Timmy, Timmy. It's normal to be confused.
But when in doubt just remember that
everything to do with your genitals will
send you to Hell.

TIMMY
Oh.

God gets comfortable on adjoining chair, in a "Let Me Rap Atcha" kind of pose.

GOD
Timmy, a woman is a complex creature. I
can understand the conflicting emotions
that you're feeling right now. You're
curious about girls, and the way you feel
about them. You're noticing changes,
Timmy, that are special, and that you've
never felt before.

Timmy NODS in agreement.

GOD (CONT'D)
Maybe you're even curious about a little
role-playing. Maybe you're thinking, "If
she sticks her finger in my ass, does
that make me gay?" Or maybe you're
thinking of giving it to HER in the ass,
and you're wondering if she'll be into
that. Maybe you're worried about pulling
out, and where you should shoot your load
when you do.

A beat.

Timmy NODS in agreement.

GOD (CONT'D)
These are all normal thoughts to think,
Timmy. The important thing is to never
act on them. Women are all little teases,
Timmy. Now, here's a little something you
might not know. A woman's labia is...

Suddenly, a KNOCK at the door.

FATHER (V.O.)
Timmy, what's going on in there? I heard
masturbating!

He opens the door.

FATHER
Oh! I didn't know you had company. Hello,
God.

GOD
Hey, Pete. I was just teaching your son
Timmy here a little something about
playing with himself. He knows now
exactly how bad it is, doesn't he?

TIMMY
Yes, sir.

FATHER
You listen to God now, Timmy. He visited
me when I was young, and forbade me to
touch my genitals too. And look where I
am now! Assistant Manager of Accounting
at President's Choice Foods' Toronto
office.

GOD
You earned that title, Peter. By never
touching yourself, and turning instead to
the path of god.

FATHER
I wont even let my wife touch it!

GOD
That is best. You are wise to do so.

FATHER
I haven't ejaculated since I was
fourteen! Luckily, Timmy was born by
immaculate conception!

GOD
What?

FATHER
Immaculate conception! I've never slept
with my wife, but we have a son!

A beat.

FATHER (CONT'D)
Immaculate conception!

GOD
Ohhhh! Immaculate CONception. Yes. Mm
hmm. Immaculate conception. That is true.
I forgot about that.

Another beat.

GOD (CONT'D)
How... how is Debbie, anyway?

FATHER
Oh, she's great! Repressed and upset, and
just as depressed as you could imagine! I
love her to bits!

GOD
Well, say "Hi" to her for me. Tell her...
you know, tell her God said "Hi."

FATHER
I will, God. She never stops talking
about you.

The father leaves.

GOD
So, Timmy.

TIMMY
Yes, God?

GOD
I... nothing. Look, here's a dollar. You
be a good boy, now. Run off and play.

Timmy runs out of the room.

God nudges the MAGAZINES with his foot. Then he looks around.

He sits down at the chair and pulls off his ROBE. He picks up a magazine.

Father re-enters suddenly.

FATHER
Say, God—

God THROWS magazine in air.

GOD
Agh!

[blackout]