Me: "Okay, everybody, let's quiet down. First off, I'd like to welcome everybody to Pinkerton Consolidated. I'm J.R. Pinkerton — you might have seen me on the cover of Forbes magazine. You would have seen this if you looked in your welcome packages. I've included a copy of Forbes magazine and taped a picture of myself to the cover.

"I'm very excited about the upcoming year, and I hope that all of you share that enthusiasm. I've brought you here because you're the best, and the brightest. As I look around the room right now, I see a lot of fresh new faces here, and they're fired. I see a few old faces too, which confuses me, since I would have thought you'd see this coming. See what coming? you might ask.

[Clicks button starting projector. Powerpoint slide cues up.]

"Firstly, you're fired." [click] "Secondly, you're cleaning out your desk by five. I represented this in a graph." [click] "There's the graph." [click] "This slide might need some explanation. The two circles in the right quadrant represent your ass. The large brown rectangle and the arrow represent you not letting the door hit your ass on the way out of my tastefully decorated office." [click] "This is me in Bermuda last Christmas. I don't know who she is." [click] "This is my new cigarette boat. You have now idea how difficult it is to get a CD player installed in one. That wraps up my presentation. I look forward to working with all of you in the months and years to come, but mostly in the hours to come, where I'll be supervising you while you clean out your desks. I open up the floor to questions."

Employee: "Um. Yes. Is this some kind of joke? I moved here from Portland for this job."

Me: "Wow. Really? Did you bring a lot of stuff and put it in your desk like I asked everyone?"

Employee: "Yes! I did! And now I have to clean it all out!"

Me: [laughing like a pig]

Employee: "This is obscene! I'm telling the labor board!"

Me: "Oh really? Well, why don't you go ahead and tell them, then? Gentlemen?"

[Labor Board steps out from behind curtain]

Me: "Ah, top drawer. This gentleman has something he wishes to tell you."

Employee: "Oh. Well, alright. Sirs, this man…"

Me: [draws German pistol from suit pocket, shoots man five times in chest]

Employee: [slump thump drip drip drip]

Labor Board: "This man what? He didn't finish his sentence."

Me: "Oh. Well, it must not have been important. Thank you gentlemen, good day."

Other Employee: "This is insane!"

Me: "Well, if you don't like the way we do business here, you're certainly welcome to leave."

Other Employee: "We don't want to leave! We want justice!"

Me: "Very well. Show of hands: who here wants justice?"

[50% of crowd puts up hands]

Me: "Very well." [pulling rope to draw back curtain. Behind curtain is an enormous cannon. The cannon is aimed at a cement wall. Painted on the wall, covered in red smears, is the word JUSTICE] "Alright. Let's get started. Keep your hands up."