When The Thrashing of the Christ was first released, several athiests and lesbians expressed concern that a film composed entirely of brutal torture would receive an R rating instead of an NC-17. The allegation was of course ludicrous — while the film is naturally composed entirely of torture, it is of Jesus and has no nudity.

Nonetheless, in an effort to placate some parents who may choose to shield their children from the inspiring glory of the Christ, Mel Gibson grudgingly presents The Passion of the Christ: Family Edition, which we hope you enjoy showing to your children on your way to Hell.

The Passion of the Christ: Family Edition uses state-of-the-art digital effects to remove all aspects of violence from the film, offering parents and children an opportunity to enjoy the telling of Jesus's torture and execution in such a way where neither is shown. Among the many changes is the substitution of Christ's blood for strawberry jam.

Even with these family-friendly additions in place, The Thrashing of the Christ has several scenes that jam fights would simply not explain, such as the scene where Jesus's head is beaten off a wooden post for fifteen straight minutes. For these scenes, the Family Edition's effects team digitally remastered the Christ's face so that he appears to be enjoying it:

To add even more family-friendly content, a sidekick was digitally inserted into the Family Edition in the form of Crossy the Talking Crucifix, who appears to Jesus throughout the film to offer advice and cause comedic misunderstandings. "Crossy's like a skateboarding hacker who teaches Jesus the importance of saying no to drugs," explains Family Edition's supervisor Bill Henderson. "He's like the Fonz from Happy Days, except he doesn't sexually assault women."

"Jesus isn't mentioned once in the Old Testament, which pretty much proves that God intended him to be a surprise for children. The Thrashing of the Christ: Family Edition is full of surprises."

"I used to think Jackass was cool until my parents told me to stop watching it. But Thrashing of the Christ was way cooler! Yesterday I crucified Jordy, and tomorrow I'm gonna resurrect him!"

"Since Jesus is both God and the son of God, technically he impregnated his own mother. I appreciated how the Family Edition glossed over this by having Mary give birth to a stork, which flew to Heaven and fetched Jesus."

"Family Edition is an excellent teaching tool for my Cedric. By explaining to him that Jesus was gay, and this is what God does to gays, I think I've taught him the most important lesson of the Bible: to scare children into not being homosexuals."