The next eight years would have Jehoram making boneheaded play after boneheaded play, blaming God at every turn for his own stumbling incompetence.

More and more vassal cities rebelled as word got around concerning Jehoram's "fucktardedness" (an ancient Hebrew word meaning 'to have succulent figs for brains'). Even Jehoram's former ally, Edom, cut ties with the dumb clod. Also, because he was a complete idiot, Jehoram started up an Israel-wide "Worship a Golden Calf" campaign around this time, further ingratiating himself into the Lord's inner circle.

By this point, the Lord was getting understandably sick and fucking tired of all the bad press he'd gotten taking the heat for Jeroham's ability to run headfirst into every wall he came across. Proving that it doesn't pay to badmouth the omnipotent, God afflicted the shit-stupid bastard with the most painful bowel disease available at the time. So crippling was the disease, in fact, that Jehoram had to have his bowels removed.

Removed. Keep in mind that even in a contemporary setting, with 21st century advances in medicine and surgery, this would be an excruciatingly painful procedure with a high casualty rate. Now remember that Jeroham underwent surgery 2,750 years ago, when people worshipped anything shiny and cut off your hands if you cooked the wrong brand of dirt in front of them. Now try and get your head around an 800 B.C. procedure culminating in you on one side of the room and your intestines on the other.

Jehoram died in agony soon after (enormous surprise)— despised by his people, with his lands facing enemies on every front. On his deathbed in 847 B.C., he had the solace that his kingdom was being simultaneously razed to the ground by the Philistines, the Arabians and the Cushites, who abducted Jehoram's wives and all his children during their pillage. Jehoram was denied a king's funeral, and was buried in a commoner's grave.

Consider this the next time you're in a poopy mood because you're late for work and you'll probably feel better about the traffic.

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