A pretty obvious question one could raise from all this nonsense is: If King Jehoram was such a loopy basketcase, and—by the Bible's own admission— managed to run Judah into the ground in a brief eight-year timespan through his dedication to all things depraved and evil... Well, then how the hell is any of this Edom's fault? And why devote an entire book of the Bible chastising them?

The answer: The people of Judah really really hated the people of Edom, and vice versa. The whole Jehoram affair, as it turns out, was just the latest incident in one of the longest-standing feuds in Bible history—a feud that started thousands of years before, with two brothers named Jacob and Esau. In order to understand the convoluted mess that is The Book of Obadiah, we'll need a Stan Lee-like callback to a previous issue of The Bible, which I've provided below:

In issue #344 of Uncanny Bible Stories ("Enter... God's Wrath!"), we are introduced to athletic hunter Esau and his effeminate younger brother Jacob. Esau spends his time providing for the family—hunting wild buffalo, chopping wood and tending to the crops. Jacob, conversely, hangs around the hut all day playing cribbage with mom, braiding her hair and gossiping about which eligible bachelors from neighboring tribes have gotten married recently. Father Isaac loves Esau more. Mother Rebecca has a soft spot for Jacob.

Esau, being the eldest son—and, though it's never overtly mentioned, the only son on the premises not spending his days catnapping and making his skin more supple through the application of mud and aloe—is due to receive his birthright of taking over the family. (It's a little vague what a blessing like this entails, but given the scarcity of impregnable females and relatively low population, I invite you to come to your own smutty, upsetting conclusions.)

Jacob covets Esau's birthright, convinced that his ability to bring the hut together with tasteful throwrugs and wildflower bouquets makes him the obvious choice to lead the clan. His mother agrees (come to your own smutty upsetting conclusions), and together they concoct a plan to cheat Esau out of his birthright.

Esau returns the next afternoon, hungry and exhausted from a day spent hunting. Jacob welcomes his brother with a steaming bowl of lentil stew. Esau makes a grab for the bowl, but Jacob snags it back suddenly. "First, give me your birthright," he says.

"It's hot and I'm starving, fag," Esau growls. "Give me the fucking stew before I make you eat your own asshole."

"Say you'll give me your birthright first," prods Jacob.

"Yeah, whatever," agrees Esau dismissively, grabbing the bowl from his brother and wolfing it down in one gulp.

Years later, father Isaac has grown old and blind. Sensing he's long due for a dirt nap, he calls for his son Esau so that he can give him his blessing to take over the family. Wife Rebecca, having plotted with her effeminate, mincing, showtune-singing son for years now, calls Jacob instead. Jacob, being essentially hairless, has dressed up in sheepskin to make himself seem hairy, so as to better fool Isaac into thinking he's Esau.

As a result of their years of scheming, Rebecca and Jacob manage to fool a helpless blind man and rob a rightful heir of his birthright. Once Esau finds out what they've done, he rushes to his father Isaac's side. Isaac, realizing that his wife and child have betrayed him, dies weeping. Esau wails in mourning for his father and vows to kill the deceitful Jacob. Hearing his brother's anguished screams, Jacob sprints cowardly into the night. The end.

Okay. Are you ready for this? You're gonna love this. Here's God's take on the whole nasty business: "Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated." (Romans 9:15)

Yep. That's right. According to the Bible, Jacob—the callow, shiftless brother who tricked his blind, helpless father into betraying his brother—is the hero of this story; and Esau—who spent his life tirelessly providing for his family and was tricked out of his birthright by Jacob—is the bad guy. Why? Because of his careless disregard for God's blessing, and for his angry vow on his father's deathbed to kill his brother.

The people of Judah, by the way, are the descendents of Jacob; and the people of Edom are the descendents of Esau. This is why Obadiah fills up a book threatening their deaths at the hand of God: They have betrayed the people of Judah (who had enslaved them), just like Esau had betrayed Jacob (by threatening to murder him for ruining his life). Judah, like Jacob himself, is essentially blameless here. They're the Chosen People of God.

Welcome to Bible Logic.

It's okay to lie, cheat, enslave, steal, actively plot against family members, deceive the blind, and dishonor your father, apparently. Just don't ever say something dismissive about your birthright to someone when you're really hungry. Because that's bad.

"Thou art greatly despised." (Obadiah 1:2)

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