whispers child actor Alistair Crispin as the ring-holder Lordo Ringfellow.

"I could have sworn I fucking had it a second ago. Honestly, this is so fucking embarrassing."

I am once again on-set, this time for the final scene between Crispin, alongside noted 'plus-size' actor Rudy Ruddy, who plays manservant Samgam Gamalam. Crispin is caked in make-up, and looks pale and deathly. Rudy runs in to minister to Crispin, cradling his master's head in his meaty lap in a manner that isn't entirely pleasant to witness.

"It's alright, Master Lordo," says Rudy, running a hand through Crispin's tousled hair.

"Samgam," whispers Crispin between parched lips, as Rudy leans in to hear better. "There's something I've been meaning to tell you this whole journey."

"Beggin' your pardon, Master Lordo," says Rudy, his eyes misting, "but I think I know what you're fixin' to say, as I've been thinkin' the same."

"I… hate you, Samgam," croaks Crispin. "So much."

"Aye, Master Lordo, and I love you as well, sir," says Rudy, clutching Lordo to his disturbingly sizable breast.

"No. No, you're not listening," says Crispin in an irritated tone. Behind the camera, Peterman mouths Crispin's words. "I strongly and truly dislike you. I wish you wereMGHGHMMFFHH!"

 Crispin's words trail off into Samgam's chest as he is given the mightiest bearhug this reporter has ever seen.

 

 

"I think the heart of the films really rests in the deep, powerful, even latently homosexual relationship between Lordo and his manservant Samgam," explains Leonida Soyben after the powerful scene has been discarded and substituted with completely computer generated actors.

 "In one scene, for instance, Lordo has forced Samgam to carry both of their packs while he follows along behind him, spitting in Sam's hair and launching kicks into his backside. And the whole time, Samgam cheers him on, with 'Nice one, Mister Lordo!' and 'I felt that in the base of my spine, Mister Lordo! Well aimed!' His concern for Lordo's welfare, it's… well, it's touching, really. And, of course, somewhat disturbing. And, as I mentioned, latently homosexual."

"It's this unbreakable bond of friendship between Lordo and Samgam," adds Jack Peterman, "that I think really makes up the core of these films - even if you stripped away, say, the big castle siege scene, or the final battle between Agrabon and The Dark Lord Sorbon."

"And that's very fortunate," he admits. "Because we're running a bit long anyway, so there's two more scenes we don't need."