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Until July ninth though, we must be satisfied with the trailer. It begins with an establishing shot meant to explain that wherever this film is going to take place, the sun apparently rises and sets extremely fast. The trailer then magically whisks us away to the Caribbean, as the first title screen reads, aptly: "Welcome to the Caribbean." Just as we're mentally thanking Disney Pictures for making us feel so genuinely wanted here in the trailer, discomforting suspense music pipes in. The second title screen informs us that there are three thousand islands in the Caribbean. Many might get too swept up in the slowly-building suspenseful music to realize that this isn't really very ominous at all — perhaps a lot of people assumed there were a lot more islands in the Caribbean, and are now on the edges of their seats to find out where the rest went. Of the three thousand islands, we soon find out that one of them is shaped exactly like a skull. The viewer can only assume that this will be the island on which our (as-yet unseen and unheard-from) heroes will be battling the titular pirates. I conclude this only because, if I was in the Caribbean, it would seem like such a wasted opportunity to have to-the-death sword battles with murderous pirates on Coconut Island or Sunny Sandy Island, what with Skull Island just sitting there empty and unused. (Though it's not terribly relevant, I've always wondered how, in an age without aerial photography or reliable map making, pirates would have been able to name any island based on what it might look like 50,000 feet in the air. I suspect the idea of naming islands after their shape must be a 20th century convention attributed to pirates after the fact — otherwise, you'd think every island would be named Blobby Roundish Island of Indeterminate Size. But I digress.) The trailer makes no reference to whether Pirates is about ghost pirates of the Caribbean chasing around a modern-day Geoffrey Rush and Johnny Depp, or if this is meant to be a period movie from the fifteenth century, or if it's just meant to be a clumsy money-grab by Disney based on the flimsiest of premises. In fact, the Pirates trailer ultimately provides little to no information about anything — the plot, quality, story, tone, script, time period, or pace of the movie to come are all kind of skipped over. However, by the time we get halfway through we are able to glean that there will, in fact, be lightning. Beyond this, the only things I could tell you confidently about the film are that; 1.) It takes place in the Caribbean; 2.) There are pirates of the Caribbean; 3.) There is a skeleton foot somewhere in this movie.
Jerry Bruckheimer and his lightning tree are also shown in the trailer, giving viewers the unspoken assurance that, if nothing else, this will be safely among the loudest films ever. Still, I'm wondering how hard it could have been to toss us a scene or two of pirates chasing Johnny Depp around an island. With a July release date, they must at least have some of the CGI done by now. Trailers this shameless, which don't divulge any of their undoubtedly priceless plot, but still feel confident enough that we'll be interested based on creepy music and stock footage alone, are just begging to fail. A minute and a half trailer, a four month wait for the feature film, and what are we given as an enticement? Some wind blows on some palm trees, and we see a foot. Sweet Christ on a pony, if you changed the music and took out the credit listing in favor of a shot of Kermit with an eye patch, we could all be waiting on Muppet Treasure Island II: The Search For Tim Curry's Self Respect. I predict Pirates of the Caribbean will break attendance records the first weekend it's out, taking into account a country-wide heat wave and a total lack of air conditioning everywhere but in movie theaters, and theater owners giving tickets away, and free booze. Otherwise, look for this to most likely make a lot of money anyway. Skeletons are usually good business for old people who grew up watching Jason and the Argonauts (the film or the actual Argonauts, depending on how old they are); the CGI effects used to create the illusion that CGI skeletons are attacking a blue-screened Johnny Depp will get all the boys who play Counterstrike and Everquest into the theater; Johnny Depp will bring the women; Olando Bloom will bring the girls; and Geoffrey Rush will bring, let's hope, the sincerest of apologies. RATING:
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Anticipation
has reached a fever pitch for the film Pirates of the Caribbean,
the sequel to the popular Disney World ride Pirates of the Caribbean.
To date, diehard fans of the original Pirates have debated for
hours online over purported changes, leaked from inside sources. First
and foremost among chat group grievances was the substitution of Johnny
Depp for the popular Animatronic Pirate #14 from the original. Other
rumors — that the film would, unlike the ride, not be ten minutes
long, have annoying theme music, and be stupid — led to an online
petition to have the film stopped, until a Disney representative gave
a press release last month, putting the rumors to rest. Yes, the film
would in fact be longer than the ride's ten minute length; however,
maintained the release, "the spirit of the ride Pirates of Caribbean
has always been its capability to induce boredom, and its devotion to
crushing stupidity. This spirit has been retained faithfully in the
feature film." Appeased, fans now avidly await the sequel's release,
debating which of the blandest, most insulting elements of the politically
correct ride will make it to the silver screen. Now all that's left
is to wait for Pirates of the Caribbean to wash ashore July ninth
at a theater near you — hopefully near enough that you'll be able
to hear the groans of physical discomfort from anyone in the theater
and keep safely away. 
Beyond
this, it's all guesswork. Pirates was either unfinished at the
time the trailer was put together, or extraordinarily bad at the time
the trailer was put together. The fact that we are told who is in the
movie rather than shown not only seems pointlessly suspicious, but is
disrespectful to every trailer-watching thirty-five year old lonely
female in the tri-state area who bought a ticket to Daredevil
in the hopes of seeing Johnny Depp wearing leather chaps and a rope
belt. Another crushing blow: Orlando Bloom is also nowhere to be seen,
though he shows up on the cast list beside Depp and Geoffrey Rush. Bloom,
one of the only people since Leonard Nimoy who women want to fuck while
he wears pointy ears, is (as many of you know) the straight shooting
elf from The Lord of the Rings. The ladies don't get an eyeful
of him, either. However, in all fairness, we are spared the image of
Geoffrey Rush as well.