I, for one, think it's just great that vacuum cleaners
have those clear windows on them now. You can really
see how much semen you're getting off in one shot
that way.
A good way to train in boxing is to cast a shadow
of yourself on a wall, and then spar with it, seeing
the way your body moves as you punch. This is called
shadow boxing. An even better way is to tie a guy
up so he can't move, and just keep hitting him. This
is called punching a tied-up guy.
I think you should be able to put an life insurance
policy out on pets, because I'd have absolutely no
problem with killing a gerbil.
If Isaac Newton were alive today, he sure would look
stupid telling us all about gravity. Yeah, thanks
for the tip, big guy.
I'm a firm believer that when you're driving, it shouldn't
matter whether or not you're drunk if you're intentionally
trying to hit people.
"Oh GOD!" she moaned. "You're...so... good!" She's
right, I thought. I am pretty good. So why was she
having sex with him, then? And couldn't they keep
it down a bit? I was trying to sleep.
To
the rich man, getting a well-cooked meal is expected.
To the poor man, any meal at all is a gift. Pathetic,
right? Hey, let's get back to talking about that well-fed
rich guy. I wonder if he owns a jet or something.
That would just smoke.
I had been under his mental control for days on end.
His powers of suggestion and hypnotism were too much
for me to overpower. I found myself forced against
my will to do his every bidding. "Geez," I said, "you
sure are a good-at-mind-control person." "I think
the term you're looking for," he replied, "is Svengali."
Yeah, whatever, pretentious guy.
The crippled old hag wandered into the small village
that afternoon. She pointed to the sky at a crow circling
overhead. "That," she hissed, "is the omen of your
doom!" The villagers were shocked and afraid, even
though they all knew the crow. The crow's name was
Mike.
It sure isn't funny to see a guy in a wheelchair try
to get up a flight of steps, when there isn't a ramp.
Even when I rocked around in the wheelchair I'd rented,
flapping my arms around and making rocket noises,
I couldn't get a laugh.
I think I'd make a pretty good God, as long as all
anyone ever prayed for was a good swift kick in the
ass.
Sometimes, on a clear night, you can look out at all
the billions of stars in the sky, and see how big
the universe really is. Then your thoughts turn to
this planet called Earth, and you think about all
the billions of people all over the world. Then you
realize that every one of those billions of people
pees at least once a day, and you start thinking about
all those billions of gallons of pee, and how could
they possibly get rid of it all each and every day?
And that's usually when you decide never to drink
tap water again.
If I had my say, I would have made it so Hitler went
to Heaven instead of Hell. Think about it. In Heaven,
everybody'd be giving him dirty looks and swatting
him in the head for all eternity. In Hell, he'd just
be getting high-fives all the time.
When the aliens first landed, everyone was afraid
for their lives. By the time we realized the aliens
only wanted peace and equality, it was too late. We
had slaughtered them all. Except for a few, which
we kept around as slaves.
People
are always so impressed by my humanity when they discover
how steadfastly opposed to the death penalty I am.
I don't see why. It's my own ass I'm looking out for.
