Why did Donald Duck adopt Huey, Dewie and Louie, instead of having his own kids? I don't know, but I'd like to think it was because he killed their parents in a drug deal gone sour, and was forced by the courts to adopt them. Also, maybe Donald Duck was impotent.



How come when those circus guys drink gasoline, they can spit fire in a big plume, but whenever I try it, I have to get my stomach pumped?



If one man's trash is another man's treasure, then why is it no one ever wants to buy my cigarette wrappers and used condoms?



When I die, I hope I can get a coffin perfectly molded to my body, so it looks like a big giant me, only made out of wood. Then I could make a deal with the carpenter to carve me a six foot penis.



If you're a doctor, and you know one of your patients is going to die soon, it must be really tempting to tell them they're just fine, so they can live out the rest of their days happily. I would imagine it would also be pretty tempting to play with the corpse once they're dead, and pose it for pictures and stuff.



It sure would be great if the meek did inherit the Earth. Because then I could just take it from them.



I guess the worst part of my trip to Mexico was when I found out that "cockfighting" didn't really mean what I thought it did.



Who would have guessed that the summers of yesteryear would disappear so quickly? Well, if anyone did, I'll bet it was Batman. He's a detective.



If there were a billion monkeys typing at a billion typewriters, I'll bet it wouldn't be too long before one of them got sucked up into the paper spool, and all the other monkeys just laughed and laughed at that one dead monkey.



I'll never forget that time I found that turtle, lying on its back, trying to right itself. And it suddenly occurred to me how senseless life sometimes is, and how helpless all creatures must feel. And then I remember camping out there for the week, just sitting there, watching that turtle die and rot. Man, that was a hoot.



Libraries would be a lot more fun if they thought it was real funny when you made sound effects to the book you were reading, instead of just making you leave and telling you not to come back.



I think if I was in a play, and one of my fellow actors suddenly farted really loudly on stage, I'd just pretend it was part of the play, and keep going. Although, if he kept farting for the rest of the play, in a long continuous stream of rancid gas, then I might have to tell the audience it wasn't part of the play.



If I was an Olympic weightlifter taking steroids, and I had to pass a urine test, I bet a good way to fool them would be to drink pee beforehand.



If you're being tried for something, and the court's got a whole lot of evidence against you, and you're probably going to go to jail, don't just jump up and try to run away. It turns out they're prepared for that kind of thing.



I don't think there's anything quite as comforting as hearing the laughter of children. Especially when they're laughing at another child. I always enjoy that.